Wednesday, April 8, 2009

God, sup? It's me again, Nikki...

For some reason, when I argue evolution and creationism in my head, I always end up thinking about sex. Like I did in this post.


I believe in a higher power, but I'm still always looking for proof. So, I ponder it a lot and it seems to me, that procreation and everything involved contains the most physical "proof" of intelligent design.

These are my latest thoughts on the subjects of divinity and reproduction...

In order to "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth" (Gen 1:28...look at me quoting scripture and all!), we have to have sex. To ensure that these two selfish, wandering, naked man and woman would actually do as commanded, God made orgasms delightful for his pleasure seeking creations!


Since orgasms are delightful, indeed, the conversation must've gone something like this:

Adam: "WOOHOOO...OMG, that was AWESOME. That was AMAZING...we have to do that EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Deal? Do you think it's possible to do it more than once a day...we should try that!!"

Eve: "It was amazing...I felt so close to you and that one part...was INCREDIBLE. I just wish it lasted a little you think you could make that happen?"

Adam, mouth agape and spent, is snoring...

Eve: "Adam...ADAM...DUDE...would you wake up. I wanna cuddle and talk."

Nine months later, when Cain ripped forth from Eve's loins wet, and bloody, and screaming...

Eve: "I hope you enjoyed yourself...because we are NEVER doing that again...EVER!! If you ever come near me with that thing again, so help me God...I will bite it off!!"

Adam: "But, baby...don't you remember how good it felt in the beginning. Remember how fun that was?"

Eve: "Yeah, it was good, wasn't it! Allright, yeah...maybe we should do some more of that!"

And blinded by their own self-gratification...generations of humans were created for thousands of years.


Now, let's say that orgasms hurt like a sonofabitch. The conversation:

Adam: "HOLY SHIT! WTF was that?? OMG...I thought it was going to fall off for a second! Damn, baby...let's not do that again. EVER!"

Eve: "AAAAAAAAAAAAGH...OMG...are we gonna die? Is this how it ends?

9 months later...out pops Cain...lots of blood, tears, sweat, and screaming...

" I gonna die? Is this how it ends?"

A few years of parenthood later...

Adam: "Fuck this...not only did that shit hurt like hell to do, but now we have this helpless, crying, peeing and pooping little brat taking our food and tying us down. Let's NEVER do that again...EVER. Deal??"

Eve: "I'm so glad you feel the same way...this sucks. I'm stressed, I'm tired, I just want some "me" time. You have a deal, baby!"

Thirty years later, Adam and Eve die. Thirty after that, their one and only son...the only human on earth dies, too. The End.


To sum up...chalk one more up for intelligent design. Because, somebody up there knew EXACTLY what he was doing!!


Heidi said...

So funny, so true. I have never thought about this issue, but you are absolutely right. Heck, our family clan would be gone for good if it wasn't for that one part.

Alicia W. said...

I like your version of human kind so much better! You are so damn funny! I needed a good laugh because this is going to be a long day at the ol' hell hole workplace.

Jess said...

I've never really thought about it like that - but now that you've opened my eyes, I must say I agree with you. That's too funny.

Rassles said...

I've never done this before, what I'm about to do. Typing these three letters below. Never in my life. In fact, I may never do it again. But it is fitting.


Helene said...

Okay, now I have you to blame for having to change my shirt yet again this morning....I just spit OJ all over myself while reading your post cuz I was laughing so damn hard!!! Why do I even attempt to wear white shirts???

Anyway, girlfriend, you are freakin hilarious...I always know when I read one of your posts, it's gonna totally make my day!!

Kameron said...

Hilarious and sadly true!

~~Mel~~ said...

You have me laughing hysterically at the moment!

Thanks for that.

Donnetta said...

I'm pretty much guaranteed that every time I click on your posts, I'm gonna laugh. Long. Hard. Loud. Wait - that sounds a perverted.

Anyhoooo - TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!!!!

Donnetta said...

I'm pretty much guaranteed that every time I click on your posts, I'm gonna laugh. Long. Hard. Loud. Wait - that sounds a perverted.

Anyhoooo - TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!!!!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

So true. Very deep.