Monday, April 6, 2009

The corners of my mind...

This is what I find when I delve into the corners of my mind...

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This movie, Time Bandits, that I used to watch when I was a kid...really scared the shit out of me. I was always terrified, but would watch it over and over...and I don't know why. WTF?? What's worse...I got the movie for my kids, and made them watch it. I can't tell if they, too, were frightened...but, I sure as hell didn't watch it with them.

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Why can't Phillipa, the British bitch on my GPS, just do her job? When I need her most...like to circumnavigate a traffic jam...she thinks I'm in some other part of the state.

And I'm all, "Phillipa, WTF? I need you right now!"

And she's all, "Enta Mota-way in threehundred feet..." in her hoity toity accent.

And I'm all, "Eff it, Phillipa, I don't need you!! I'll find my own way!!"

Then I turn her ass off!! Effing foreigners!!!

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Say, you lost a finger. Then, had one of your toes surgically transplanted onto your hand to replace it, because for argument's sake...let's say it was one of the better fingers...like the thumb, or the index finger...or, my personal fave, 'Tall Man.' Well, in order to get your new finger (that used to be a toe) to wiggle, would your brain have to send the "wiggle my toe" command...or the "wiggle my finger" command??

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I don't know why we bought a four bedroom house, with 2200 square feet...because all five of us are always within three feet of each other. For example, all 5 of us, plus the dog, on the 3 seater couch watching TV...all 5 of us in the 10 x 10 bathroom while I'm trying to evacuate my colon...four of us lurking over the shoulder of the one person who is on the computer, waiting for our turn...it's RIDICULOUS! We're like a family of goddamn rattlesnakes!!

9 comments:

The Blonde Duck said...

Popping in from SITS to say hi!

Alicia said...

You are a damn riot! I had to read this post out loud to a few of my co-workers and we all had a good laugh. LOVE IT!

Sneaky Momma said...

Funny, just the other day I commented to my husband how amazing it is that you can fit three people into two square feet of space. I think there must be some silent alarm that goes off when my butt hits the toilet seat. :)

blueviolet said...

Our GPS has a variety of voices to choose from and we tend to go with the least intimidating voice. I hope yours has the same option and you can change it to someone less obnoxious!

Heidi said...

Family of rattlesnakes.. that's funny. I am soo with you on the GPA. Mine is called Hildie and her ass is so backwards.

Kimmy said...

LOL!! What is it with the party in the bathrooms??!! I get that too. Too funny!!!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

LOL. Seriously. So funny.

Tim said...

This was so funny mainly because its all so true. As soon as I need to dump the kids off at the pool its like I walked out on stage and everyone come to watch. I dont get that. The last place I wanna be when Carey or Tayor are on the throne is anywhere inside of 1000 ft.

Bubbs

Melissa said...

I sometimes just grab a book and hide out in the bathroom just to get some 'peace and quiet' until about 2 minutes pass and they find me! Your so funny Nikki!