Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The world spins only forward...

Do you ever think about the moments in your life that change you. That have made you into what you are. I'm not necessarily talking about weddings, or births, or even deaths. I'm talking about those random times, maybe it was just a Tuesday, no different from any other...and you had a realization, or a moment of clarity. Something in your head even...when you learned something about life, and it changed you.

This is one of the more momentous ones in my life...

It was the day after The One I Miss died. The One and I were on our way to buy clothes we did not want, for a funeral we never imagined attending. I remember feeling numb...maybe it was hollow. Either way, it wasn't human.

We walked into the mall and it was shiny...and sunny...and fresh. It pissed me off. We meandered through lanes of people...happy people. I saw smiles, heard laughter, and smelled Cinnabons for fuck's sake. It infuriated me.

I remember perilously searching the faces of strangers...looking for sympathy, compassion, understanding...something. Anything.

I thought to myself...

What the hell are these people doing? Why don't these people understand? Why can't they see my pain? They're shopping for sunglasses and sipping on their fucking Jamba Juices, while I am looking for an outfit to bury my boy in.

I was appalled.

The more I searched, the more frantic I became. In that moment, I hated these people and their callous countenances. I hated my life and the shitty hand I'd been dealt. I hated the world and it's relentless rotation. I hated it all.

Then, it came. My moment. My realization.

Life goes on. It seems so simple and so obvious as I type it...almost silly. But, when tragedy hits you, in any way, shape, or form...it's easy to get lost in it. To feel sorry for yourself and to give up on ever finding a way out.

Walking through the mall, I realized that these people...and my family...and my friends...and the world wasn't going to stop and wait for me to "get over" the loss of my son. They would all move on...with, or without me.

8 comments:

Alicia said...

Excuse me while I try to clear the lump out of my throat while I type this. You have come so far Nikki and I am blown away at your strength and courage.

Kameron said...

I had that same realization after my mom died. I was sucked into a dark place, but I still had finals and graduation (which I skipped) and work. I still have moments when I break down, but they are few and farther between, so I guess we all move on. I just don't ever want to forget.

Kimmy said...

It is a painful truth. It's amazing how some situations in life can either make us or break us.

Kimmy said...

Oh yeah, you've been tagged!

Jess said...

Oh man, Nikki. I don't even know what to say - so this comment is sort of useless.

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

I look at the little face on your sidebar and it is really difficult for me to believe that you have gone through that. Not fair, not in the slightest, I don't really have a great answer for why things like that happen to us but I do know that you seem like an awesome person to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It takes a long time for a lot of people. I am really really sad about that and choked up. Please know that I am thinking about your family and if you happen to pass me in the mall..I will be the one with the shirt that says....DO YOU NEED A HUG? ((((((HUGS))))))))

Shelly said...

i hate that you had to go through that, I REALLY DO, and at the same time, hope i never have to! i could not imagine it...you are stronger than i...you will never forget your sweet boy, time will pass and hopefully things will get easier but missing him will not be one of them...you are blessed to have been his mommy and he was blessed to have had a mommy like you and now he is with GOD looking down on you and his daddy and his brothers and sister! what a day it will be when you see him again, when you ALL see him again!!

Ribbon said...

Wow ... I'm not sure what to say except that I feel that it is important to acknowledge your huge loss. I can imagine the pain and also the lessons within the trauma.
big love to you....

best wishes Ribbon