Sunday, February 28, 2010

Knocked up…


I mean…I’m not knocked up.

It’s hard to get that way without a uterus.

Those little boogers just don’t have a place to hang their hats!

That doesn’t keep Jake from trying, though. 


In our case, it won’t pay off…but, the process is fun!

My best friend from high school is knocked up for the first time. 

My neighbor’s knocked up. 

Some good friends of our family…she’s knocked up.

Heidi's knocked up.

I have three cousins who’re knocked up.

Today, I found out that my SIL is knocked up! 

It was a cold ass winter! 

It seems as though people were bumpin’ uglies to keep warm!! 

Friday, February 26, 2010

This is the girl…

…who has chicken pox.


…who was vaccinated against it.

…who got it anyway.

…who itches like crazy.

…who is missing a big party, at school today, that she’s been looking forward to for weeks.

…who is missing a regional academic competition, tomorrow, that she’s been practicing for, for months.

…who was kicked out, via the back stair well of the doctor’s office, like a leper, once she was diagnosed.

…who cried when we got in the car.

…who successfully used those tears to score Chick-fil-A for breakfast.

…who can’t return to school until Tuesday.  At the earliest.

…who would tell the chicken pox to suck it, if she were anything like her mother. 

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Everyting gonna be irie…

I think he’s gonna make it. 


He’s coming around. 

Starting to look like his old self.


He’s a slower, wobblier, more banged up version of his old self…but, a version we can live with, just the same. 


All of his plumbing works.  He just needs a little help taking care of business. 


We don’t mind helpin’ a brotha out.  We’re just glad he’s here.  Not many weenie dogs take on a full size truck, and live to tell about it.


The broken pelvis will keep him from running in the weenie dog races this year, in Austin, as planned, but, maybe he’ll be up to cheering for his friends and scoping out the competition for next year!  

I was worried sick about my pup…and am so glad that it looks as though, he’ll make a full recovery!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

What we do…

Jake works from home on Wednesdays, so, it’s just the two of us, alone in the house, while the kids are at school.

Wanna know what we do all day?

Let me clarify…

Wanna know what we do all day, that’s halfway appropriate for me to share with you on my blog?

We cuss.

Like sailors.

Every spoken sentence contains an expletive!

It’s fun!

We’re very careful to watch our language while the kids are around, and Wednesdays are our “days off.”

A couple of Wednesdays ago, Avery was home sick from school. 

Jake and I went about our normal Wednesday routine…

Throwing as many “damns” into each sentence as humanly possible, to emulate Myron Mixon, from TLC’s Pitmasters.  It was one of our favorite shows back when we had the TV, and he was our favorite pit master!

“How damn many scoops of sugar do you want in your damn coffee, Babe?”

“Hell, two’s fine.  Will you put a couple of scoops of some damn creamer in there, too?”

“I damn sure will.”

Avery wasn’t used to hearing us damn that many things, and came busting out of his room, and said, “OH.MY.GOD!!!  What are y’all doing?  Stop with the cussing!!  Is this what y’all do all day while we’re at school?  Just cuss?  Is it?”

Jake and I looked at each other, and in damn-near unison, we said, “Damn sure is!!”

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tony Montana…

Say hello…to my little friend…


He thought he was badder than the a Chevy Silverado truck. 

A broken pelvis, 5 prescriptions, and $615 later…


it turns out, that he’s not!

It’s Jake’s fault…if he’d told ‘em what I told him to tell ‘em…he’d have told ‘em to stay outta the street!

It looks and sounds bad, but, “every day above ground, is a good day!”

However, today,  Tucker Scarface would probably disagree!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My hometown...

A chick linked this news story on a forum, and started a discussion about find out if people thought it was funny, or offensive.

Back in my hometown, some people are outraged over this billboard for a local adult novelty shop...

I know it's small, but in case you can't read it, it says, "Stop vegetable abuse." Then, it lists the websites of the adult stores.

Personally, I think it's as tasteful as it's gonna get for an ad for an adult sex shop. I mean...I can think of a helluva lot more offensive images they could choose to sell their products.

It's a CUCUMBER for crying out loud!!

Young kids won't even get it. You can just lie to them, and tell them that the cucumber is sad, because kids don't eat their vegetables anymore. You skirt around the masturbation conversation, the kids are guilted into eating their greens! It's a win/win!

As for teenagers...well, they already know about masturbation whether you'd like to admit it, or not!! I mean, maybe our daughters aren't using cucumbers...but, at least you'll know what's up, if all of a sudden, the cucumbers in the house go missing!

When I was searching for an image for this post, I found that it actually started as a late night television commercial. Mind you, I wouldn't know anything about that...because I don't have television right now!! And I doubt they air it on the one channel we get...because it's that Jesus channel!! And if they DO air it on the Jesus channel...well, then I'll see you in church this Sunday!! Can I get an AMEN?

Check it...

So, what do you think? Tacky? Tasteful? Offensive? Or, funny as hell?!?

My end of the bargain...

Hi. I'm Nikki.

I'm a recovering addict.

It's been four days since my last Dr.Pepper.

I wish I could say that I feel better. That I see clearer. That my thoughts aren't fuzzy...but, I've only quit the Dr.Pepper, not the crack!

I'm kidding.

About the crack.

I swear!

Good news: I eat less. Sometimes, I would want a Dr.Pepper, so I would get a snack, too...ya know, to make my Dr.Pepper taste better! That's pretty bad, huh!

Bad news: I'm jonesing like a MO-FO!!! HARD!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Conversations in the car...

On the eve of Valentine's Day, love was on my brain.

We were driving home from the grocery store, and I asked, "Hey. You guys. What do you think love is? Fill in the blank. Love is..."

Avery, always first, yelled, "You and Dad!"

**Always first, and always profound!!**

I asked Lily, next. "Lil, what about you? Love is..."

Still staring out the window, she shrugged her shoulders, said, "I don't know."

**That child HATES being put on the spot!! Uh, no pun intended! You'll see the pun in a minute!**

Jake jumped in with, "Love is walking hand in hand."

Laughing, I said, "Awww, you're such a butt kisser!! It's Valentine's Day,'s in the bag, if you know what I mean! No worries!!"

**Thank god the kids are still too young to pick up on our innuendos. I know it won't be for long, but, until then, the innuendos abound!!**

The entire time this conversation had been going on, the radio was on, but, it was just background noise. None of were really listening, as we were having a family discussion.

Or so we thought...

Jack blurted out, "Dad! What's a G-Spot?"


I turned to Jake and said, "Did he just say G-Spot?" Then, to Jack, "Where did you hear that?"

Jack said, "On the radio. Just now. They said, 'I'm going to the G Spot.' What is it?"

I was ready to pass it off under the "it's just grown up stuff" umbrella that I am so fond of using when I don't feel like answering difficult questions, but, Jake broke the awkward silence with...

"It's where the cool kids hang out."


Satisfied with that answer, Jack sat back in his chair, arms folded, nodding his head, and boasted, "Then, I'm going to the G Spot!"

With my original conversation about love, dead in the water, I turned around, looked at Jake and said, "Way to go, Babe. WAY. TO. GO! I'm directing any calls from the school to YOU this week!!"

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Sunday…

     Snow Ice Cream was made.  And savored…


Snow castles were built.  Complete, with sofas…


Snowmen surrounded us…


(this was our fave, from down the street)

Snow angels were created…


Supersized snow balls were shoved into ponds…


Sledding was a struggle for novices…

Snowballs were thrown…



Smiles were spread across our faces for days…

IMG_9882 IMG_9701  IMG_9559

It was seriously spectacular…


Friday, February 12, 2010

12 inches…



It’s beautiful, and amazing, and FRICKIN’ cold!! 

The kids are having a blast!  Yesterday, it was snowing too hard to get good pics, so we’re going back out today for more!






A foot of snow in Texas!!!

Hell must be freezing over!!

Have a good weekend, ya’ll!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This is for you...

So, I have this blog friend, who I've chatted with via comments and emails for months and months. Several months back we realized we were actually neighbors, when she saw my kids roaming the streets in front of her house! Cool, right?

Well, we finally got to hang out for the first time a couple of weeks ago, when I hosted a Bunco night.

It was a blast, and it was great to meet an online friend.


I haven't heard from my blog friend since Bunco!

I figure, one, of several things, likely happened...

1. She got food poisoning from the dinner I prepared, and is still recovering.

2. She doesn't hang out with people who serve their guests boxed wine.

3. She's pissed because she didn't win the Shake Weight.

4. She's revolted that I would give a Shake Weight as a prize, then encourage the winner, who happened to be my son's Pre-K teacher, to demonstrate it for the group!

5. She was turned off by the sight of a grown woman, who was too tipsy to work a hole puncher, and punch an index card!

**Note to self: Next time you host Bunco, make sure there is a Designated Hole Puncher, for the seventh inning stretch!**

6. She thought my kids were loud, and had no idea that I was even louder!!

7. The dog pissed on her because he has a nervous and excitable bladder, and/or, he humped her.

8. I'm just an asshole!

God, it's probably number eight!!

Do you have any URL friends turned IRL friends?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Super Bowl Sunday...Sans Satellite!

With the big game only hours away, we decided to break down, and buy a little ole antenna for our television.

We carefully hooked it up, and began the channel scan, allowing the tele to search for any available air waves.

I researched it online while the scan ran, and discovered that we live in an area with very weak signal. We would be lucky if we received any channels at all.

We didn't have much hope, but, waited anxiously for over fifteen minutes for the search to complete.

It was actually fun.

When you go ten days without television...watching the channel scan is pretty frickin' entertaining.

Two channels.

That's all we were able to pick up.


With our fingers crossed, we pushed the channel up button, to reveal the mystery network.

The face of Queen Latifah filled the screen, as she sang the National Anthem in Miami!

We scored.

One of the two channels was the Super Bowl channel!

It was a gift from Jesus! was!

I know this, because the other channel that we were able to tune into, was the CCN.

Not CNN.



I'm assuming it's the Christian Care Network...or, the Catholic Connection Network, or the Christ is Cool Network...because, the images on the screen were of a man, in robes of white, and rope sandals, walking along a river, with about twelve robed men walking behind him.

It was Jesus!

A gift from Jesus!

We had a little fun, fine tuning our picture...just like the good ole days. Avery held the antenna, and moved it around to find the sweet spot!

We damn near broke out the tin foil!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Six Word Saturday…

“Most annoying canine in the world!”

Nothing says welcome home, like the god-awful shrieks of a paranoid little terrier!  Be glad he doesn’t live next door to you!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Writer's Workshop...

I'm playing along here today, with Mama Kat and her Writer's Workshop! Head over there to link up with other workshoppers!

The Prompts:

1.) A song you can’t escape.

2.) Explain a time there was an emergency. What “mode” did you go into? Freaking out, calm and collected, etc.

3.) Write an open later to a cartoon character.

4.) Write a poem about a moment you would like to relive.

5.) List 10 things you never knew until you were mom. Mine?

I chose #2...Explain a time there was an emergency. What "mode" did you go into? Freaking out, calm and collected, etc....


I hate motorcycles with a passion. I don't understand why anyone would want to go that fast on two wheels, without a little more protection. They scare the holy shit out of me!

Jake had one about four years ago. I don't know how he talked me into buying one, but, he did...and he rode it to work occasionally. I think I rode it once or twice with him...white knuckles, clenched teeth, and praying the whole time. I don't know who I was praying to...but, I prayed when I rode that bike!!

Eventually, he rode it less and less...and I talked him into selling it. I don't know how I talked him into it, but, I did. I was relieved.

My disdain for two-wheeled vehicles runs deep. When I see them on the highway, I get scared, nauseous, and I literally panic a little inside. They terrify me!

Two years ago, the five of us were heading home from the grocery store, on the highway. We came along side a big cruiser bike. Older guy, maybe late forties. He had a helmet, leathers, and was just out for a Sunday drive.

My heart raced as we passed him. He looked at me. I feigned a smile.

Just moments later, we approached a busy exit ahead. Two cops had a guy pulled over. People started driving like assholes because of the cops. They slammed on their brakes, began switching lanes...driving erratically, because of the po-po.

I looked in the rearview, worried about the biker guy in the next lane over, just a car length, or so, behind us.

As I did, a car swerved in front of the bike, and slammed on their brakes.

In slow motion, I saw the biker instinctively and mistakingly swerve himself, to avoid the moron in the sedan.

His wheel caught, his bike flipped.

And flipped.

And tumbled.

My eyes were glued to the rearview...and the biker...and I was screaming.


Jake, was unaware as to what was happening behind us, as he was focused on the road in front of us. He was still trying to avoid our car from becoming part of any accident.

His eyes were ahead. Mine were on the driverless motorcycle, as it cartwheeled next to our car.

Parts were flying.

It just tumbled.

Like a toy, that a child had thrown in a tantrum.

The sight of the bike in his periphery, startled Jake, and he accelerated hard, to get in front of the motorcycle. He swerved to avoid cars, and came to a stop, ahead of where the bike rested, on the shoulder.

My eyes were still glued to the rearview mirror. Watching this unfold like a tragic scene in a movie.

Seconds after the motorcycle, the biker himself came tumbling.

His body twisted and rolled.

Just tumbling.

Like a rag doll, that a child had thrown in a tantrum.

It was sickening.

He came to a stop about fifty feet behind our car.

My screams became shrieks. "OH MY GOD. HE'S DEAD. HE'S DEAD!"

Instinctively, I grabbed the handle of the door, opened it, and jumped up, to get out of the car. I had to help him. I was so focused on this man, that I was oblivous to anything else.


I listened. And turned my body, my eyes still glued to the man.

My thoughts were scattered.

I should help.

I have to go help.

He's not moving.

He's in a twisted heap, and he's not moving.

Is he dead?

Is he already dead?

His family is at home, thinking that their husband/father/brother/son is just out for a Sunday drive. He's likely done it hundreds of times before. They have no idea he's dying. They have no idea he's fighting for his life in the middle of the highway.

I have to go to him, and ask him if there is anything that he wants me to tell someone. Does he need me to tell someone something. I would want someone there, to speak my last thoughts to.

All of this, rushing through my head, in a matter of seconds.

By this time, the cops were standing around the man. They weren't leaning down to him. They weren't touching him. They just stood over him talking on their radios. I know they are not paramedics, but, it seemed cold to me at the time. They see this more often than I do, they are a little more desensitized to it.

Across the highway, a man stopped his car, grabbed a large duffle out of his trunk, and ran to the man. We deduced that he was an off duty paramedic.

My eyes never left the biker, I desperately wanted to see some sign of life.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity...I saw his chest heave. He was still twisted in an awkward position, with one arm trapped behind him, and underneath him. But, I saw him breathe. He was alive. At least at that moment.

We went home.

It seemed crazy to just leave...but, the man was being taken care of. There were plenty of witnesses. i wanted to get home.

I thought about the man for the next several days.

I was terribly shaken up.

I thought about calling hospitals, and the police station, but, thought they probably wouldn't give me any information. I just wanted to know if he was okay.

It really shook me up.

I had just started taking classes for nursing school.

I was confused.

I told myself that I was going to see this kinda thing on a daily basis as a nurse. I would see death every day. I couldn't let each one effect me like this. I was taking this too personally. That scared me. I thought that maybe I wasn't cut out for it. Maybe I didn't have the chops.

I couldn't get him out of my head.

I posted about it on the discussion board for my psychology class. All of my rambling selfish thoughts on the incident.

A day, or so, later, I got an email. From one of my classmates.

She knew the man. He was the father of one of her daughter's good friends. He died two days after the accident, at the hospital.

My heart sank.

My stomach leapt into my throat.

Tears welled up.

I was just sick for his family.

I thought about my initial reaction. About wanting to see if he had anything that he wanted me to tell his family. I felt regret. For the things I didn't do.

For the things HE didn't do.

Then, in an perspective shifted.

Shit happens. People die. Accidents happens. Things are left unsaid, by untimely deaths. ALL THE FLIPPIN' TIME!

Not a damn thing I can do about that.

I was sad for his family...but, I knew they would survive. People survive. Death happens, and the people they leave behind, keep on living.

I also realized, that I had the chops.

My instinct was to help. My instinct was to run to this man. My instinct was to care and worry about him while I thought he was alive. And think of things I could do to make the situation better. My instinct was to feel the gravity of the situation when I knew he was dead, and then, to let it go.

And, to answer the I freak, or am I calm?

A little bit of both.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

7 days...

Turns out, man can live without the tele.

Who knew?

Today marks seven days without the boob tube.

We've watched about three Netflix movies, and a couple of shows online.

That's it!

The kids have done well. They were a bit short and pissy those first few days. Hell, maybe they're short and pissy all the time, I was just too busy watching my shows to notice!!

I've started reading a book.

I go to bed at a reasonable hour, and am up at one, too.

Jake and I wind down each night with pillow talk. Strengthening, even more, our own marriage, rather than watching the crumbling ones of reality show stars.

So far, it's good.

The only show I really America's Funniest Videos. Every Sunday, we sat down as a family to watch that show.

All of this, however, does come with a price.

Jake gave it all up. He wasn't forced, but, he willingly sacrificed his "right to bear a remote," as Scott described, for the benefit of the family.

I had to give something up, too.

It was only fair.

The only thing I had to offer, was my Dr.Pepper.

I have about seven left of a remaining case...and that it is. I can't buy any more.

I made a deal.

I can guaran-damn-tee ya that my "seven days without Dr.Pepper" post...will contain many, many more expletives than this little no TV post did.

I'm quite sure of it!

God be with us all...

It takes a village…

Jack is one of those kids, that two sets of eyes, hands, and legs cannot possibly keep up with.  He would fair better in the household of a polygamist...because, sometimes...I wish I had some sister wives to help me out with that kid.

I learned a long time ago, that I couldn't chase him around everywhere he went, protecting him from himself.  When that little boy started toddling, I realized that god would have to help me out with his raising.  I just couldn't keep up on my own.

This picture was just the beginning.  He wasn’t yet able to walk, and was juuuuuust learning to stand. 

may_june_2004 049

It wasn’t enough for him to try balancing on solid ground…no.  He had to add an element of danger to learning to walk, that most kids wouldn’t dream of. 

That kid is fearless…and manages to get himself into a pickle, almost daily.

We've coaxed him down, from scaling ladders on construction sites. 

We've fished him out of the swift Red River in New Mexico, minutes after our arrival.

The other day, a neighbor had to rescue him out of the creek, when he fell in, and was stuck in the mud.  Up to his armpits. 

Construction workers in the neighborhood have brought my bleeding boy home, after a spill on his bike.

The cops have had to help us out with that kid.

It definitely takes a village. 

Huh…cops, construction workers?  At the very takes the Village People!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Post It Note Tuesday…

Head over here to create your PostIts...and head over to Supah's if you wanna play along, and link up with other PostIt'ers!




Monday, February 1, 2010

Conversations on the couch...

Jack: "Hey...Dad. Remember that time...when Avery had that dick?"

Jake: "Uh...What? What did you just say, Buddy?"

*The other two kids, stop dead in their tracks, as this thing that their brother has said...might get interesting! As did I...and I'm just a smilin'. Completely looking forward to Jake trying to circumnavigate THIS colorful choice of words, by his youngest boy! Is it wrong that I find these moments ridiculously entertaining?*

Jack: "You 'member? When Avery got that dick?"

Jake: " don't know what you mean, son. Nikki. Help me. What is he trying to say?"

Me: "I have no idea...but, I'm intrigued."

Jack: "You know...Avery had that dick, and he was crying."

*Well, now I'm even more confused!*

Jack: "'Member? He was crying because you were gonna burn the dick off?"

*Lily has lost control, and is in a ball in the floor...hysterically laughing, repeating the word dick...over and over and over. Totally inappropriate...and totally endearing. She has my sense of humor! The child has no clue what that word means...but, she already knows it's funny!*

Jake: "WHOA! I think you're using the wrong word...where were we? What were we burning?"

Jack: "We were camping. Avery had a dick...and you were trying to burn it off with a fire poker."

*Not so excited that a memory of fire torture is etched so deeply into his memory...but, very excited that we finally have a context, to help figure out the mystery word!*

Jake: " you mean the TICK? When we tried to burn the tick off of Avery's arm?"

Jack: "Yeah! That's it. That tick! You 'member that? That was funny!"

Me: "No, dude...THIS is funny!"