Tuesday, September 8, 2009

You don't know me, but, would you STFU?!

Jake and I sat down to lunch.

The kids were in school, it was just he and I.

**Can you tell by the way I'm typing, that I'm smiling, every time I type that i get to do stuff, while the kids are in school?**

We were alone. No coloring pages, no kids meals, no, "Table please," so that Jack doesn't stare over the shoulder of the people sharing a booth behind us, uncomfortably close to them, grossing them out.

**We learned our lesson on this one, when he loudly proclaimed that the guy behind us, "Isn't fat, he just ate waaaaaaaay too much food." He's our feral child.**

None of that...just me, Jake, and food.

Although I have a newfound affinity for all things quiet, at restaurants, I expect to hear the typical bustle of the lunch-rush crowd, and the undiscernable mumblings of many conversations being had around the room. However, what I do not expect is the annoying, shrill voice of Talky McTalkerson, as she dominated the conversation across the table of the booth behind me. In my ear.

**If Jack was with us, we would've requested a table. Far from Talky. Hell, if Jack was with us, in the booth, he would've leaned over, uncomfortably close to the woman's friend, and said, "Lady, will you tell her to STFU?!"**

This woman was awful!

She was one of those people who ramble around in conversations, bouncing from one topic to the next, no one else can squeeze a thought in anywhere...OH.MY.GAWD. I wanted to shove my fork into her eyeball. And I know...KNOW...the lady with her did, too.

This woman went 'round in circles...so very loudly, 'round in circles...

"My neice is just such a brat, I mean, I love her...but, she is just really hard to handle...and my brother and sister in law, well, you know I haven't spoken to my brother in two years...it's awful...it's so hard not even being on speaking terms with him...I mean, he's my brother...it upsets my mom...I know it does...especially, because, the last time I saw him was at Uncle Ed's funeral...and he didn't even speak to me...but, Kelly talked to me, but, she was really short with me...and then when I saw Kelly after the funeral, she was okay...we had dinner...and talked...but, that girl just has waaaaaaay too much drama...ya know...BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...but, back to my neice...."

**OH.DEAR.GOD...I forgot about the neice. How could I forget about the neice. Seriously thinking about shoving the fork into my own eyeballs. To stop the insanity.**

Her lunch partner was dying inside. I know she was. She had to be. I wanted to hug that woman. I wanted to reach my hand around the back of the booth, and grab her hand, knowingly caress it...hopefully reassuring her that there are people who know how to have real conversations in this world. That it wasn't too late to escape this god-awful friendship. Alas, she'd probably think I was hitting on her, and be all creeped out.

McTalkerson continued, without pause, without a breath...without regard for my last nerve...

"But...my neice is just so rude, and disrespectful...I wasn't like that when I was a kid...and when I have them, I won't let my own kids talk to me that way..."

**AHHHH!! Hope. A ray of light. The 'Mouth' has not yet reproduced!!**

"As sooooooon as she gets to my house, she starts pouting...'When can I go home?'...'I'm ready to leave.'...She's so rude...I want to talk to my brother about it...but, I can't, 'cuz I have to see my neice through my mother...."

Jake can see my frustration, and is walking me through the lamaze that I learned while pregnant with my first born. He coaches me, "Breathe. It's okay. They just have a few more bites, and they'll leave. You're doing so good."

Inside, I'm not doing good. At all. This is what I hear in my head...


Put that effing cheesesteak in your effing mouth, close it, and CHEW, for all that is holy!! Seriously. Do it. Do it now, before I shove that cheesesteak up your ass!!

I can solve all your problems right now, lady. All of 'em. You listening? Your brother? He wants you to STFU! Kelly? She wants you to STFU! I would bet, that Uncle Ed, off'ed himself because you wouldn't STFU!! Even your precious little neice...only 8 years old. The little dear. All she wants is for YOU...to STFU!!!!**

Man, I should have more patience for people.

But, I don't...

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