Monday, June 22, 2009

Ding-Dong, the B**** is scared...

Which ole B*****, This ole B****...

Everyone was asleep. It was about 1:30 in the morning, I was watching my third consecutive episode of my new favorite show, Crime 360. Have you seen it? It's real crimes, real investigations, real people, and it's real graphic.

I hadn't realized it, but three hours of hoodlums, murderers and thieves shooting up people and places, had left me a little on edge.

Then...

*DING-DONG, DING-DONG, DING-DONG...BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM*

My mind starts spinning...

*Oh my god...the hoodlums, murderers, and thieves have found me.*

I jump to my feet, Jake is aroused...

*I'm not talking about THAT kind of aroused!*

Jake is stumbling toward the front of the house, the dog is going nuts, and I'm yelling...

"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR...it's the hoodlums, murderers and thieves. DON'T YOU DARE OPEN THAT DOOR! "


Jake goes to peer out of the front window, while I'm doing a perimeter check on the inside of the house. Checking beds and counting heads. I meet him in the part of the house that would be called the fo-yay if we were rich...alas, we're not...so, I meet him near the front door.

Panting, eyes wide, heart racing, I whisper, "What do you see?"

Jake replies, "I don't know...looks like a man and a woman in a cop car."

Mind spinning again...

*FUCK...it's the hoodlums, murderers, and thieves...they've stolen a cop car and are trying to lure me into their trap. I'll be damned if I fall for that.*

I decide I should call 911. My rationale is that if there are cops out there, I will ask the 911 operator to radio them, and verify that they are legit, before I just blindly open my door to hoodlums, murderers, and thieves.

As I turn and head to the back of the house to get my phone, Jake asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm calling 911...I'm not fucking around with these people. They need to explain why they are out front before I open the damn door."

Jake says, "What are you talking about?"

But, I'm in a hurry to get to the phone and don't answer him.

Again...

*DING-DONG, DING-DONG, DING-DONG...BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM*

*They're not going away...shit I'm scared.*

The phone is to my ear as I walk back through the dark house, to Jake. All of a sudden, my mind wanders to that movie, The Strangers. Now, I'm worried about hoodlums, murderers, thieves, and psycho killers with sacks on their heads. FUCK ME RUNNIN'!!

"Um, yes sir...I have three kids here and someone just started pounding on the door, and aggressively ringing the doorbell..."

The operator asks, "Aggressively?"

"Yes...um....you know like DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG. My husband says that it's a man and a woman and a cop car. Listen, I have three kids here, and I'm not opening the door until I know what's going on. So, if you could radio them and ask them what they want...then, I'll open the door."

Jake is now more confused than ever and says...

"Nikki, I said GOLF CART...not COP CAR!!!"

*Oh...Ooopsy! My bad, I guess hoodlums, murderers, and thieves wouldn't have a golf cart as a getaway car...or would they???*


"Oh...I'm sorry...my husband now says it's a GOLF CART, not a cop car..."

Jake interrupts, "I NEVER SAID COP CAR."

I cover the phone..."SHHHHHHHHHHH...I'm talking to the cops."

Back to the operator, "Well, still...it's late and these people have no business beating on my door in the middle of the night."

The operator says, "We'll send someone out, ma'am," and I hang up the phone.

The cop shows up and I try to explain that we don't know anyone who has a golf cart, and that if it was someone we know, they would've called or texted an "I gotcha"...and if it's someone we don't know, then they have no business banging on our door in the wee hours of the morning.

The cop is kinda looking at me in the same way that Jake was, then turns and leaves, stating that he'll "keep an eye out."

Back inside...

Jake says, "Nikki...SERIOUSLY...who is gonna rob us or invade our home in a golf cart???"

"Well, I don't know, but I was scared...it might've been the hoodlums, murderers, and thieves..."

We go to bed, and I can't sleep. With every little noise, the dog jumps, his ears perk, he growls, and starts shaking just a little...as do I. At about 4:00am, I finally drift off to sleep.

The next morning, I find this update on our friends Facebook status...

"Me and the girl just got done ding dong ditching a friends house "Niki & Jake" then rode thru some sprinklers and beat the popo home. Not bad for a golf cart and a 12 year old driving. Gotta love Daddy/ Daughter time!"


Just as I posted a warning on his page, that he has stirred up a hornet's nest...his wife, my friend, calls and says...

"Hey my sister is giving away two Jonas Brother's tickets for tonight and I thought Lily might want them."

So...I guess we're even.

14 comments:

Alicia W. said...

LMFAO! So, that's the story to the tickets.... HILARIOUS! I love it.

Heidi said...

breathe, breathe... I can't breathe.. I think I just got the hickups laughing at that. I would be the same way, exactly! and Stephen would have the same WTF face like Jake's.

Family said...

Who did that!!!??? As I was reading this you had me scared our neighborhood had gone down the hole! That would have scared me to death!

Kimmy said...

LMAO!!!!! That's awesome!! :D You sound like me. Thanks for sharing!!!

Jessica said...

That is classic!! And I say good for you for calling to confirm it was "coppers" before opening the door. STILL LAUGHING!!

Chris M. said...

I dont remember it being called "ding dong ditching". It was something a little more racey and south of the mason-dixon line like.

Catherine said...

That is hilarious!! I wasn't sure where this was going. I certainly didn't think you'd find out who it was on Facebook!! I love you too by the way - for your mind that is.

Kameron said...

Girl, you know you shouldn't watch that stuff right before bed! It just gets you mind goin places it shouldn't! At least they made up for it, and Jake took one for the team and went to the concert!

Helene said...

OMG, I was laughing my whole way through this post....I actually blew snot out of my nose after reading the part about the "fo-yay". My MIL has a "fo-yah" but she's not rich...she's just snotty.

And the misunderstanding between "cop car" and "golf cart" actually made me pee in my pants.

I love your stories....the way you tell them makes me laugh hysterically. Your friend has a bizarre sense of humor, though. Very bizarre.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must watch the train wreck that is Jon and Kate and find out what their huge announcement is. I'm a total loser.

heidi said...

*gasp* I just ran upstairs to tell ROb that story!! HA! I justgot done relating your texting woes while tryign to swear and he thought that was very funny, too.

OMGosh it's the JO BROS! AAHHHH!!!!

I dunno who that Helene chick is, but we need t stage an intervention on her and this Jon & Kate thing.

Wait...you watched too, didn't ya? Damnit Janet...what did I TELL you about that crap??!!

I'm gonna go rot my brain with the rest of Season 1 of Army Wives.

Liz (Loving Mom 2 Boys) said...

funniest freakin' thing ever!!! HA!!!

Rassles said...

Dude, you are ridiculous. Sure. Blame it on the cop shows, you wuss. Wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss.

Love it.

Candi said...

OH MY LORD, THAT IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Candi said...

Ok I just had to read this post again & it was even funnier than the first time reading it!!!