Thursday, June 4, 2009

A conversation I wish I'd had...

Hi! My name is Nikki. We haven't met. I've seen you up here at the school a few times...class parties, field day, awards assemblies, you know...all the bullshit events that we feel obligated to come to just because we're SAHM's.

*awkward silence*

Hahahahaha! I'm kidding...kind of.

*awkward-er silence*

Anyway, I couldn't help but notice...but, it looks as if there might be a stick up your ass. I'm not completely sure, but I've met mothers like you before. Look at you! You walk in here with your high heels, pressed clothes...which is always a cooridinating outfit, nonetheless...hair done just right, earrings, necklace, and even makeup for the love of all that is sane! That's incredible. I'm lucky if I get out the door with a matching flip-flops, my hair thrown in a pony-tail, and clothes that aren't visibly dirty.

I suppose he's yours. That one...the one that looks like he has a tiny stick up his ass, too. They don't fall too far from the tree, do they? Hahahahah!!

He looks so angry...it must be hard for him to live up to your expectations. You know...keeping that fucking part in his hair just right, his shirt tucked in, keeping dirt off his sneakers, all his I's dotted and T's crossed. Bless his heart, it has to be frustrating for him.

Let me guess...that's his project over there. The Cape Cod style bungalow that in perfect scale, hue, and functionality, and looks like it might be something that a prospective architect might submit to a developer. Nice work...he did that all on his own, huh??

Oh, Lily's?? Her's is the one made out of macaroni, Fruit Loops, and juice boxes. Yeah, that one. The one with dried glue all over it, and Darth Vader on the roof. That's hers. I didn't help her one bit on hers, either.

Which one is she? She's over there...wearing the T-shirt that is a little too small, her brother's basketball shorts, and one pink sock and one purple...that's her. She dresses herself!

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Oh...these are your little girls? I should've known...Crisp matching dresses, 18 pony-tails between the 2 of them, and 14 hair bows...ADORABLE!! That little one looks a little pissed off, too. She hasn't quit screaming since you guys got here. It's actually a little annoying.

Maybe you should try being a little more stern with her. I hear you talk in that sing-song-y condescending voice to your children. The voice that most people reserve for other peoples children. You know the one they use when their tongues are bleeding because they are hiding what they really want to say. You don't have to do that, you know. Watch this...

"Jack...if you eat one more Fruit Loop off of your sister's project, I'm going to take you in the hallway and rip all the hair out of your head. Got it?"

See...no big deal. You should try it. Go ahead. No? Alright.

Anyway...well, it was nice chatting with you. We should set up a 'playdate' for the kids...we could have coffee.

No...wait...I'm NOT free on Friday. Oh, Jesus!! I was TOTALLY kidding...I don't do 'playdates'. I was being sarcastic...it's my thing. But, hey...if you're free...maybe you could watch them for me while I do some stuff.

Nah...nevermind. You'll probably be busy scrapbooking, or baking for a potluck at the church, or psychologically damaging your

13 comments:

Tatman said...

Hahaha! Too funny, Nikki. I saw one of these Moms at a campground over Memorial day weekend. We were at a CAMPGROUND, but she had make up and clothing on like she was going out for a Friday night dinner and drinks...ALL FUCKING WEEKEND! If she loosened up then maybe that stick would just fall out. Usually it has to be pried out, only to break off while still lodged halfway in. Sheesh!

Family said...

Man, Nikki, I didn't know you felt that way about me! This whole time we've been neighbors and your just now telling me this through your blog! Hahaha! Well, I bet I know who you might be talking about, if not I know some mom's like that. They really aren't that bad if you get to know them. I'm a lover of all diff. kinds of people. Even though I might not agree or like everything about them, they can still be a good friend!

Alicia W. said...

THIS post is why your blog is one of my absolute favorites. You just don't hold back and frankly dont give a fuck what anyone thinks. LOVE IT!

Kameron said...

Stop talking about me like that! Ha! Yeah right! I am lucky if my hair is brushed, I've showered and heels are not my thing. I love you chick!

Heidi said...

love it love it super love it!!!! I can't stand those types. Makes me skin crawl!!!! My playdates involve beer, wanna come over?

prayingtodarwin said...

If this post was a sports movie, this is the part where I'd start the slow-clap.

heidi said...

Ubermommies. Oh yeah. I ran into a hoarde of them today at the grocery store semi-annnual cereal sale. All lined up at the coffee bar first, then the free cookie place. My kids still had food on their face from bfast and B was in his jammies. I ran there in between shifts to snag cereal and ONLY because I was trying to make myself feel better (shitty mood, man) I had makeup on. Normally I'm in workout clothes (regardless of if the last time I worked out was 10 minutes ago or 10 months ago) and a ball cap over my grungy self.

In defense of some of them, though - some of them ARE really great - they just have all their shit together. It's irritating. ;-)

Much love to ya mama. Mwah.

Tim said...

dude wheres your vlogemo? This was funny, but im REALLY missin seeing your emo.

Bubbs

Helene said...

Woman, you make me laugh hysterically! You don't even know how many times I could've said something like that to one of those stuck-up bitches who thinks she and her kids are better than mine!! What makes them think they are so much better than us, anyway?

So what....your daughter's clothes are mismatched and her art project is made out of Froot Loops?? I bet she's the cutest girl in the class with the most friends compared to Little Junior Stick-up-his ass.

Tina said...

Nikki:

Tell it like it is.....

So funny!

Melissa said...

Love it Nikki - I left some of those mommies behind at the old daycaare...I always made an attempt at a conversation though... I figure it's their loss if they wanna miss out! Have a great Friday Nikki!

Rassles said...

You are, I'm almost positive, one of the best moms ever.

The Purnell Family said...

You crack me up! You are such a good writer! I laugh out loud everytime! :)