Best birthday gift EVER...

**THIS POST IS (sometimes very loosely)
BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS!**
Me: What do you want for dinner tonight, honey? I love you. I'll cook anything you want. I love you. It's your birthday, you pick...I love you!

The One: Why don't we go out as a family tonight for a nice steak dinner.

Me: But, honey...in "these tough economic times" can we afford to take all five of us out for steak?

The One: No worries, you georgous goddess, you...my mom got me a gift certificate to Saltgrass for my birthday!

Me: OMG...I love your mother. She is so thoughtful to include me in your birthday gift. Man, she is great. I'm so lucky to have a MIL like her!

AT THE RESTAURANT
Me: I really want the filet...but, it's like $25 bucks.

The One: No worries, baby...sweet, sweet love of mine, we have a gift card...let's order filets, shrimp, appetizers...the works. It's on my mom. Plus, how can I deny you, the mother of my children, the holder of my heart, the cleaner of my underwear, the folder of my socks, the fulfiller of my sexual desires...how can I deny you anything. I know it's my birthday, but you deserve this dinner just as much as I do!

Me: You are so hot...I can't wait to get you home for your birthday bl-

The One: HONEY! THE KIDS!

Me: For your birthday balloons...I was gonna say balloons...

AFTER DINNER
Me: Oh, WOW!!! Look at the ticket...glad we have that gift card. There's no way we can afford a ticket like that! You're mom is the best! Remind me to call her later and thank her for squeezing you into this world 33 years ago today. She's awesome!

The One hands the card to the waitress...
we don't like the look on her face when she returns.
Waitress: I'm sorry, but this gift card was never activated.

The One: What??

Waitress: Yeah...it looks like this card was never swiped. It's empty.

Me: (trying to harness my F-bombs in the presence of my children) Are you friggin kiddin' me? You've got to be friggin kiddin' me? How does something like this frickin' happen? What the fu--rick are we supposed to do about this?

The One: Oh, well...here cover it with this. (never the one to lose his cool, he hands over the bank card)

The One: (to the waitress) Just put it on that card. (to me) Honey, will you chill...you're going to have a heart attack right here in front of the kids!

Me: A HEART ATTACK in front of the kids...you should be worried about what I may do to your fu-lippin' mother in front of the kids!! I can't believe this sh-

The One: Kids...take Mom to the car!

THANKS, MIL...for such a wonderful evening.!
OH...and the imminent overdraft charges at the bank!!!
It's just what he wanted!

Happy Birthday to...

The One who makes me laugh until it hurts.

The One who talks to me for hours about everything and nothing.

The One who is tattooed on my arm.


The One who keeps my feet on the ground.

The One who loves me unconditionally.

The One who gave me four beautiful babies.

The One who has patience when mine runs out.

The One who gives me butterflies in my stomach by simply touching my hand.

The One who is literally the man of my dreams.

The One who I love truly, madly, deeply, and wildly.

The One who was made for me.


Happy Birthday to, The One.

A can of worms...

MammaKat's writing assignment, should you choose to accept it...

The Prompts:

1.) Somebody I'm praying for....

2.) I don't believe in prayer because...

3.) What are you putting off right now?

4.) You can go back to your childhood for one day. What day and age do you choose?

5.) Your friend tells you he can pick up any girl at the bar, no matter what he says. You bet him $100 he can't. Create the world's worst pick up line and send your friend off into the crowd. What happens?

*************************************************************
Alright, ya'll...don't hold this one against me. This post has been on the tip of my tongue fingertips for a while. I touched on it here, and now I'll elaborate.

2. I don't believe in prayer because...

I consider myself spiritual, not religious. And, I only say that because society thinks everyone needs a fucking label...that everyone has to be something, you can't just be nothing, so, for me, spiritual it is.

If there is a God, a master of the universe, and he already knows our fate. He already knows our destinies and our paths in life. And he knows whether our paths are long, winding, smooth, bumpy, or whether our paths end shortly after they begin. He knows all this and, supposedly, there is nothing we can do about it. So...why pray?

Why pray for the sick to be healed? Why pray for the pain to stop? Why pray that the life of a loved one is spared? These prayers seem senseless to me when the big guy is gonna do what he damn well pleases...regardless of how dirty our knees are!

Prayers of thanks for blessings and burdens make sense, I guess. And prayers asking God for peace, patience, courage, strength, openness, and understanding for ourselves and our fellow man...those make sense, I guess. But, I don't think they're necessary.

If God knows the hows, and the whens, and the whys, with regard to our lives...then doesn't he also know when we are grateful and when we are unappreciative? Doesn't he also know when we are devoted to him and when we are unfaithful?

I am glad that prayer is a comfort for others, and something to cling to when all seems lost...it's just not my thing.

Let me now apologize to my mother...she hates it when I curse and talk about Jesus in the same post! Sorry, Mom!

I love this shirt!!

I won a little prize from Kameron at A Wrinkle in Time a little while back and I wanted to show it off.

She has an Etsy Shop and sells these appliqued shirts that I friggin love!! She does onesies, too and really cute diaper cakes. Check it out!



Anyway, thanks Kam...the kid looks so cute in his new shirt!! I love it!

Tuesdays with Cletus...

An institute of higher education...

Yeeeeeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that I don't think I'm attending that kind of college!! This one's more like an institute of...hmmmm, let me think...MORONS!!!!

I'm losing faith in humanity...it's sad really. Mostly infuriating...but, definitely sad! Last night, I was actually, physically, LITERALLY shaking with frustration because of a fellow classmate's ignorance.

Similarly, I'm sure, to how this man must've felt...

Making other mothers feel better about themselves...

We had a little incident the other night.

The girl and I were out walking the dog around the block. The One was glued to the television watching some March Madness and wasn't forward thinking when The One Who Gets Away With Murder asked where I was. The One told him we were walking and TOWGAWM hopped on his bike unnoticed, and set out looking for us. He set out on the same course we had taken the night before as a family...a mile and a half to the playground at the entrance of the neighborhood.

The girl and I returned and none of us knew the 5 year old was missing. Until the neighbor came running over saying that she saw TOWGAWM being held on the street corner by the cops! NICE!!

We jump in the car and drive the mile and a half to retrieve the boy. When we get there, TOWGAWM was scared to DEATH. Officer McDicknose was pissed and delivered a typical arrogant cop speech...

Cop: Would someone like to explain to me how a 5 year old gets this far from home on his bike alone?

I wanted to say: There is a simple explanation officer...my husband and I had just polished off a bottle of vodka and were watching some porn, so we sent the kid to the store for some smokes.

Trying my damndest to contain the sarcasm, I said: His dad told him I was on a walk and the kid slipped out unnoticed to find me.

Cop: State law requires children to be supervised...blah-dy, blah, blah, D-blah.... and by the way, the kid was riding in the street.

I turn to the kid and say: What were you doing riding in the street? You know better than that.

TOWGAWM: Mom...I was riding between the cars!!!

I wanted to say: See, Officer McDicknose...we ARE responsible parents. We have trained him to dodge the cars any time he he rides in the street, thankyouverymuch!!!

Just another fine example of my mad parenting skillz!!!

Any time you think that you are failing as a mother...that you are screwing up far worse than any other maternal being...stop by my blog. You will quickly realize that somewhere in Texas...a mother is fucking up far worse than you ever could.

No need for thanks, it's my pleasure...my children's horrible misfortune, but, my pleasure!!

Finally...A tobacco company concerned about our health!!

Because...when I light up a fag, I don't want any "extra" chemicals in it!!

I want to know that I'm only getting things like carbon monoxide, hydrogen cyanide, ammonia, lead, arsenic, and maybe a little bit of formaldehyde.

I shudder to think of the shit I could be inhaling in the "unnatural" cigarettes!

Thank you, American Spirit...for caring about your customers!!

I love your burnin' thing...

So, I'm an Idol-watcher and I was a little dumbfounded...maybe that's a good word...with one of the performances.

I love me some Johnny Cash...and I love me some sitar...and I love me some Adam Lambert. But, mixing those three things together threw me for a bit of a loop. I had to watch the performance a few times before I knew if I liked it, or not...and it turns out, I kinda did.

Well, so did The One Who Gets Away With Murder. He's a big Johnny Cash fan...he loves all of his songs. So, the sound of Johnny's lyrics lured TOWGAWM to the TV set. When I started the Tivo recording for the 3rd time, the boy started singing along...

Except, The One Who Gets Away With Murder wasn't singing about love because I heard him say this:

"I love your burning thing...it burns, like a fiery ring!"

I think he was singing about gonorrhea!!

A toast...

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!
Cheers, my friends...

Dude...

Driving down the road with The One Who Gets Away With Murder yesterday...he and I had the following conversation:

Him: Mom, what are those things called that are wiping the rain away?

Me: Windshield wipers.

Him: Winsee wipers?

Me: No...WIND.SHEEELD wipers.

Him: Wind SHELL wipers?

Me: No...listen. WIND.SHEEL.D wipers.

Him: Mom, I can't understand you. Spell it.

Me: Dude...you can't read.

If it's true that you get smarter with age...then this guy needs to live to at least 100...because he's got a lot to learn!!! Bless his heart!!

Featured...

Bubbles Tim is doing a Monthly Miracles series, featuring stories about miracles, or angels. You might be surprised to know, that while I'm not religious...I had an experience that was pretty powerful in my life. One that I cannot deny. So, when you have time...hop on over to The Fort and check it out!

Also, to keep this series going...Bubbles needs stories submitted to feature. So, if you have experienced something miraculous, or had an experience with angels...send him your story, if your inclined to share. I think the Monthly Miracles is an awesome idea and one that will prove to be very spiritual and uplifting!! So, ya'll spread the word!

Thanks, Tim!!

Sweatin' to the Oldies...

Melissa over at Home is where your story begins tagged me and I thought I'd play along. I was instructed to pick the 6th folder and the 6th picture in it...and lo and behold, this little gem pops up....

Now BOTH of my sons will hate me!! And please...let me explain!!!

This one was taken a year ago...our weeknights were hectic with all 3 kids in soccer and practices on Tues thru Fri nights. Homework, dinner, getting ready for the next school day and geared up for soccer practice all took place in about an hour and a half on practice nights. Very crazy, very rushed, the kids got themselves ready while I did dinner and checked backpacks and folders and we met The One in the driveway when he got home from work to load up and head to practice.

One particular Wednesday, I was in the truck yelling for the kids to come on...we were running late (as usual), I was trying to load everyone up and this is what The One Who Gets Away With Murder came out of the front door wearing. The kid wasn't joking...he was dead serious...he only realized his fashion faux pas when his sister was on the floor laughing at him!

Part of me was scared to death thinking...

OMG...this has to have been what Richard Simmons looked like as a kid!!


That was too much...I immediately searched for justification, thinking...

The little guy might have brain damage...he falls a lot and hits his head on walls, doors and cement...pretty much daily. He just may have knocked the "put your pants on before you leave the house" memory cells out of his pretty little head.

I finally resort to telling myself that he's always been a little different...maybe he'll be the "life of the party" type person...you know maybe he's more Will Ferrell rather than Richard Simmons.

Yeah...that's what it is...it has to be.....right??!!??

Rather than pass it on specifically...anyone who wants to play, go for it. But, be careful...you never know what's lurking in those old folders!!

I'm due to win...

Allright...Drama Mama has a great giveaway going on. A photo shoot if you're in the Dallas area...or a blog makeover if you're not.

Both would be wonderful!!! Check it out, but if you win and I don't...I'm gonna be PISSED!!!

Tuesdays with Cletus...

Cletus...my dear, sweet Cletus...

Last night in class...you gave us a website...and you told us to use it throughout the rest of the semester for reference. When asked what kind of website it was...you replied:

"It's some professor's website...and he has videos where he explains this stuff really well."

I just have one question for you...

ISN'T THAT WHAT I'M PAYING YOU TO DO!!

Because...if you're telling me that not only will I be held hostage by you every Tuesday night...by you and your stories about dogs and cats and their shit, about gutting the rotting corpses of deer and horses to feed your lion, about what you did in "South Padry", about your 22 years of college (WTF??), and about Michael Jackson and how he used to be just a "cute little colored boy". I endure 5 hours of that shit and now...now you're telling me I have to spend my spare time listening to some other, I'm assuming more articulate, asshole do your job for you!!! Am I catching your drift??

And while I'm at it...let me just say this CLETUS...I believe that calling a black boy, "a colored" is a wee bit offensive. I can't say for sure, as I am a white woman...but, I'm thinking it's no longer cool. Well, it's not cool here in the city anyway...where the roads are paved and travelled by SmartCars and Prius', where Starbucks' live, where we go days or weeks without seeing a cow, and months or even years without hearing dueling banjos!!!

The boy is gonna hate me...

But, maybe he'll learn to respect his teachers!!

Loved the shirt idea...thanks guys!!

The Sentencing...

As much as I wanted to skip town and head to Fiji and drag a few of you along with me...it wouldn't be prudent. My problem with the boy would be waiting on me when I got home. Better to face this one head one...

We're gonna come down pretty hard on the kid. If this was a one time thing...it wouldn't be HUGE. But, this disrespect is something we've seen before and have see A LOT of lately. We're turning his world upside down.

The way The One and I see it...kids don't have "the right" to all the extras. Obviously, they deserve love, food, clothing, shelter, a safe home, and discipline. But, the extras...rooms full of toys, games, radios, posters, bikes, freedom to play as they please, etc...those are all things that they should earn. We've only had to strip the kids of all privileges a couple of times in the past, and it usually gets their attention.

So, The One Who May Never Again See the Light of Day lost all of his privileges. And I mean ALL his privileges. He can't wear what he wants to school...he can't sit in the front seat of the car...no TV...no video games...all the crap in his room (all his electronics, decorations...everything) is boxed up and put away...completely stripped of everything but the necessities.

I thought your ideas about embarrassing the kid were brilliant. I got to thinking about it and thought it would only be fair. He has been so rude and disrespectful that he has publicly embarrassed us. An eye for an eye, right.

I'm thinking about making him wear this sign on his back for at least a few days.

What do ya'll think?

The One Who May Never Again See the Light of Day

This is my new name for The One Who Knows Everything!!

What do you do with a 9 year old who thinks he runs the show. He is generally a good kid, but is disrespectful to adults...excluding his parents.

I got a call from school that a teacher had to get onto him for arguing with another kid...he wasn't in trouble, just taken aside. Well, he started disrespecting the teacher by ignoring her, turning his back on her when she talks to him, and refusing to do as he was told. Hereby, landing himself in a heap of trouble...complete with an office referral and phone call home! Keep in mind that he doesn't do this to his father and I...only to coaches and teachers. It's embarrassing!

This is sounding familiar isn't it??

I've compiled a list of possible punishments to try to teach him a lesson:

1. Ground him
2. Rip his toenails out
3. Strip him of all privileges
4. Put him up for adoption
5. Confine him to his room depriving him of the attention that he demands
6. Scalp him
7. Make him write thousands of sentences, "I will not be an asshole."
8. Beat him within an inch of his life Corporal punishment
9. Set him up in a tent across the street and let him fend for himself since he thinks he's grown
10. Drain the bank account and book myself the next flight to Fiji...ALONE!!

What on earth do I do??

Speaking of tweezers...

A recent event inspired this little limerick for ya...

There once was a mom with a son,
who put things in his nose for fun.
"I lost it," he cried.
She grabbed the tweezers and sighed,
"Now show me which nostril...which one?"


This one is titled, Quit Stickin' Shit Up Your Nose!!

It's Thursday...so, I hopped over to MammaKat's for something to blog about!

The Prompts:

1.) Write a limerick. I'm sick and I just woke up...I don't think so!!

2.) Normal is... Like I'm qualified to answer that!!

3.) Describe a memorable camping experience. This is the one!!

4.) What's the best thing that has happened this week? It's not over and I'm banking on Friday to be my best day!!

5.) Did you have a childhood hideout? Where? Describe it. When I recall my childhood...it only brings pain!!

6.) Words that hurt me. Sticks and stones, baby!!

I posted this one way back when I started my blog...but no one was reading it then...so, I figured I could get away with reposting it.This is the last camping trip we took...it was Father's Day weekend, last summer. It was hot...I mean hot!! Even for Texas it was hot!!! It was most definitely memorable.

Another Bullock family camping trip...another comedy of errors!

This is how it went down....

Hour 3: It didn't take long for The One Who Gets Away With Murder to get himself into a pickle. We hear horrible shrieks from the hill behind our campsite...he had fallen into a cactus, tried to get the spines out on his own and now had them in both arms, his leg and his stomach. It took about 30 minutes for The One and I to pull each of them out with the tweezers.

Hour 8: Familiar shrieks from behind the campsite...a little softer and a little higher pitched. The One Who Doesn't Say Much fell into a cactus. I thought I remembered hearing something about using duct tape to help remove the needles of a cactus. We tried it and the child went nuts...hysterically crying. Got out the trusty tweezers and after another 30 minutes...she was spine-free! I later remembered that the duct tape is good for removing fiberglass and definitely NOT good for removing cactus spines. Ooops...my bad! Sorry sweetie!


Hour10: We try to light the lantern...it's not working right and the batteries are dead in the flashlight. It's dark and we can't see a thing! After making S'mores in the dark, we decide that since we can't see and we're all worn out, we should turn in. Our air mattress is flat! To add insult to injury...the fan had fallen in the dirt during the day and it is now louder than a Harley Davidson. The kids hardly notice, but Jake and I decide to sleep in the back of the suburban.

Did I mention it was the hottest weekend in the year? It was...record high temperatures in Texas...we're talking like 105ish!!! The next morning we canoe, sweat, swim, eat, sweat, fish and sweat some more!

Hour 30: While listening to fish tales from their fishing trip, I notice something on The One Who Knows Everything's arm. It's a tick! Ewwww! I remembered hearing something about burning the tick so it will retreat and the head won't get stuck inside you when you pull it out. We fire up one of the marshmallow roasters on the grill to try to burn the tick. The boy is freaking out. Let me say this...people use the term "freaking out" pretty loosely. People are always talking about people "freaking out". Well, I now have seen someone actually "freaking out" and it's a little sad and uncomfortable to watch! TOWKE can't sit still long enough for us to burn the tick, so we resort back to the tweezers. We pull the thing out and hope that the head comes with the body.


At this point in the weekend....we're hot, we're tired, The One Who Doesn't Say Much and The One Who Gets Away With Murder are still finding cactus spines all over, The One Who Knows Everything might have Lyme disease and we just may all have to be re-hydrated intravenously. For the first time ever, we cut our trip short and at 11pm begin to disassemble our camp...we throw everything in the suburban, and in record time...we head HOME!

Moral of the story: Don't waste your money on an abundant amount of expensive camping equipment. Flashlights, lanterns, fans, air mattresses, tents...who needs them! You can buy the most important camping tool at any drug store for about a dollar. DON'T FORGET THE TWEEZERS!

Holy Guano, Batman!

The One Who Doesn't Say Much was in a play last weekend. Yeah, you heard me right...she co-wrote, co-directed and co-starred in her very own play.

My little girl...the one who family members warned would never make it in public school if she didn't start talking. My little girl...the one who family members worried might have serious social problems, like autism because of her shyness. My little girl...the one who still, to this day, gets shy and embarrassed when put on the spot..even in front of her immediate family. THAT ONE...she was in a play! Not just any play...but a regional Destination Imagination competition!!

She signed up for it and when I found out that they would be acting...I tried to talk her out of it. I warned her that she would be expected to perform in front of strangers and speak loudly enough for humans to hear her. I did my best to discourage her...but, she would have nothing of it. She insisted on participating. Although, I thought it was more likely that she would freeze and panic...maybe there would be a small chance that she would actually do it...and a shred of a chance that she would actually like it! So...I waited for months with baited breath...to see what my little girl was made of.

I know that children's plays that do not involve your own children are painful to watch...so feel free to skip the following video.


For those of you in my family, who thought that there might be something wrong with The One Who Doesn't Say Much because she wouldn't talk to you. Those of you, who sat me down to express your concern that my daughter wasn't as friendly or socially outgoing as your little girl. Well...MAYBE SHE JUST DOESNT' LIKE YOU!!! Did you ever think of that?? Because, my little girl...my smart, funny, witty, and beautiful little 1st grader is FINE...she's the tallest bat in this video, and the one who so brilliantly exclaims, "Yeah, Yeah..we'll scare that big bear away," in case you don't recognize her!!!

Get some, bitches!!!

Nowhere to run...

The following is a list of the scatter-brained thoughts of The One Who Gets Away With Murder during a 45 minute car ride. How do I know that these were his thoughts? Because he told me. The child announced EVERY EFFING THING that popped into his 5 year old brain.

He said: "Mom, when you're old...do you go back in your mommy's tummy?"
I wanted to say: What?? Why would you ever want to go back in there! Thanks a lot you little weirdo...cuz, now I'm thinking about old people...and vaginas...and old people's vaginas!!! I just threw up in my mouth!
I did say: "Hahahaha...no, silly...you can only fit in your mommy's tummy when you're a tiny little baby."

He said: "Mom, do you like Chuckie Cheese?"
I wanted to say: Are you fucking kidding me???
I did say: "Yeah...it's fun."

He said: "Mom, what happens when you die?"
I wanted to say: Oh, how I wish I knew the answer to that question.
I did say: "Well, some people believe that when you die...nevermind! When you die, you go to heaven."

He said: "Mom, are we home yet?"
I wanted to say: Does it look like we're at home, genius!?
I did say: "No, sweetie."

He said: "Mom, can sharks live outside of the water? Cuz on Madagascar 2...the shark comes out of the water."
I wanted to say: Yeah...that same shark...wasn't he also talking!!!
I did say: "Nope...they have to stay in the water. Besides, movies aren't real...they're just make believe stories."

He said: "Mom, are we ever gonna have another Christmas? Cuz it's takin' too long."
I wanted to say: Santa's dead and he's never coming back.
I did say: "We sure are...in just 10 more months."

He said: "Mom, I had to sit by Jacob on our field trip."
I wanted to say: The poor kid...
I did say: "Cool."

He said: "Mom, look...I can whistle!!"
I wanted to say: Pecked to death by chickens...that's EXACTLY what it's like...
I did say: "That's good, buddy!"

He said: "Mom, I like cheeseburgers more than you."
I wanted to say: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SANE AND GOOD...WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!
I did say: "Here's my phone...ya wanna call Daddy?"

Note to self: NEVER, EVER, EVEREVEREVEREVER...leave the house without a DVD player, or a DS...or both. Maybe some Benadryl...and Duct Tape...probably a hammer...some ear plugs...and a little vodka!

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo

I was tagged by Tim at The Fort, and am now required by law, to list 6 weird things about me. Let me see what I can come up with...

1. I don't wear underwear...kicked the habit about 4 years ago. That's hot, isn't it? However, now my children are following suit! Not so hot!

2. I like grape jelly on my scrambled eggs.

3. I am very obsessive about food. If I find something I like...I'll eat it every single day, until I'm burned out. Then I'll move on to something else. My recent introduction and obsession with Taco Cabana's flour tortillas and queso is directly responsible for the last 5 pounds I've gained! Ya wanna know what my current obsession is? Pickled okra...I eat it every single day!! I'm eating it right now!!

4. I'm still a little afraid of the dark.

5. I have to sleep on the side of the bed that is furthest from the door to the bedroom. I do it in hotels, and even if we rearrange our bedroom furniture...I will switch sides of the bed to be away from the door.

Hmmmm...one more weird thing about me...this is hard...

6. I'm reaching here...I have a very photographic memory. I can remember numbers and pictures that I see only briefly and remember them forever. However, my auditory memory SUCKS A BIG ONE!!! The One can ask me to do something...I will begrudgingly jump right up and once I'm on my feet...I will forget what it was he asked me to do. I remember faces forever...but, can't remember names for the life of me!!

So...for this one, I will tag a few of the new followers of my blog. Most of them were recently lured here by my NMM post titled "X Rated edition"...they're a dirty minded lot...but, I love them just the same!

Donnetta @ Life in the Fast Lane

Tanya @ Maya and Odessa

Hurricane Heather @ I've Got POOP In My Pocket

Leah @ A Silly Little Sparrow

Shelly @ My little men and me

The Mommy @ Confessions of...