Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Making other mothers feel better about themselves...

We had a little incident the other night.

The girl and I were out walking the dog around the block. The One was glued to the television watching some March Madness and wasn't forward thinking when The One Who Gets Away With Murder asked where I was. The One told him we were walking and TOWGAWM hopped on his bike unnoticed, and set out looking for us. He set out on the same course we had taken the night before as a family...a mile and a half to the playground at the entrance of the neighborhood.

The girl and I returned and none of us knew the 5 year old was missing. Until the neighbor came running over saying that she saw TOWGAWM being held on the street corner by the cops! NICE!!

We jump in the car and drive the mile and a half to retrieve the boy. When we get there, TOWGAWM was scared to DEATH. Officer McDicknose was pissed and delivered a typical arrogant cop speech...

Cop: Would someone like to explain to me how a 5 year old gets this far from home on his bike alone?

I wanted to say: There is a simple explanation officer...my husband and I had just polished off a bottle of vodka and were watching some porn, so we sent the kid to the store for some smokes.

Trying my damndest to contain the sarcasm, I said: His dad told him I was on a walk and the kid slipped out unnoticed to find me.

Cop: State law requires children to be supervised...blah-dy, blah, blah, D-blah.... and by the way, the kid was riding in the street.

I turn to the kid and say: What were you doing riding in the street? You know better than that.

TOWGAWM: Mom...I was riding between the cars!!!

I wanted to say: See, Officer McDicknose...we ARE responsible parents. We have trained him to dodge the cars any time he he rides in the street, thankyouverymuch!!!

Just another fine example of my mad parenting skillz!!!

Any time you think that you are failing as a mother...that you are screwing up far worse than any other maternal being...stop by my blog. You will quickly realize that somewhere in Texas...a mother is fucking up far worse than you ever could.

No need for thanks, it's my pleasure...my children's horrible misfortune, but, my pleasure!!

12 comments:

Kimmy said...

YICKS!!! Good thing he's okay though :o) It was a mistake and I've seen WAAAAYY worse so don't beat yourself up over this. Consider it a lesson learned for all involved :o)

Musings of the Mrs. said...

OH NO! Poor thing. I bet he was scared and will never venture out by himself again (at least not for the next month). I hope you let your husband have it!

Kameron said...

I hope your hubby got a swift kick in the ass for that one!

Michele said...

I just LOVE what you wanted to say! What's surprising to me is that a cop was just "there" to pick him up. In my neighborhood I see kids unsupervised everyday and no one makes a peep.
Oh, and I'm sure he doesn't have kids or he wouldn't have been such an ass. What happened sounded perfectly reasonable to me!

Heidi said...

I'm laughing, I'm gasping, I am so sorry. Totally see how this could happen, but man that sucks. Don't worry, I am right there with you on this type of stuff. It just follows us.

Melissa said...

You are so funny ~ did you grow up watching Roseanne by chance?!! I loved it, her humor as a mom anyway...

Jess said...

Well - glad to know he's alright. And, as always you got a good story out of him :)

Cute new pictures. (They may not be new, they may have been around a while, but I am not always as observant as I should be!)

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Thank you very much for being a sucky parent. I feel awesome now!

I'm doing a spouse guest post link if The One who watches March Madness instead of his 5 year old son wants to participate...

~~Mel~~ said...

Oh boy! Totally not your fault...it could happen to anyone.

Tim said...

She shoots...she scores!!

My girl is sooo back! that part about the vodka, porn, and smokes was so classic Nikki.

Loved this!

Bubbs

heidi said...

I think I would have crapped my pants. I'm g;ad he was ok. You ok? The One come out of it unscathed?

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

How scary for everyone involved! Well, except for the police officer. I think it was nice for them to stay with him, but sheesh, couldn't he have been nicer about it?