Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Nowhere to run...

The following is a list of the scatter-brained thoughts of The One Who Gets Away With Murder during a 45 minute car ride. How do I know that these were his thoughts? Because he told me. The child announced EVERY EFFING THING that popped into his 5 year old brain.

He said: "Mom, when you're old...do you go back in your mommy's tummy?"
I wanted to say: What?? Why would you ever want to go back in there! Thanks a lot you little weirdo...cuz, now I'm thinking about old people...and vaginas...and old people's vaginas!!! I just threw up in my mouth!
I did say: "Hahahaha...no, silly...you can only fit in your mommy's tummy when you're a tiny little baby."

He said: "Mom, do you like Chuckie Cheese?"
I wanted to say: Are you fucking kidding me???
I did say: "Yeah...it's fun."

He said: "Mom, what happens when you die?"
I wanted to say: Oh, how I wish I knew the answer to that question.
I did say: "Well, some people believe that when you die...nevermind! When you die, you go to heaven."

He said: "Mom, are we home yet?"
I wanted to say: Does it look like we're at home, genius!?
I did say: "No, sweetie."

He said: "Mom, can sharks live outside of the water? Cuz on Madagascar 2...the shark comes out of the water."
I wanted to say: Yeah...that same shark...wasn't he also talking!!!
I did say: "Nope...they have to stay in the water. Besides, movies aren't real...they're just make believe stories."

He said: "Mom, are we ever gonna have another Christmas? Cuz it's takin' too long."
I wanted to say: Santa's dead and he's never coming back.
I did say: "We sure are...in just 10 more months."

He said: "Mom, I had to sit by Jacob on our field trip."
I wanted to say: The poor kid...
I did say: "Cool."

He said: "Mom, look...I can whistle!!"
I wanted to say: Pecked to death by chickens...that's EXACTLY what it's like...
I did say: "That's good, buddy!"

He said: "Mom, I like cheeseburgers more than you."
I did say: "Here's my phone...ya wanna call Daddy?"

Note to self: NEVER, EVER, EVEREVEREVEREVER...leave the house without a DVD player, or a DS...or both. Maybe some Benadryl...and Duct Tape...probably a hammer...some ear plugs...and a little vodka!


Donnetta said...

I think maybe he and baby chicklet are twins seperated at birth...

Can't tell you how many times I've called Pumpkin and told him to talk to her before I blew my head off!!

Nice start to the morning!

Heidi said...

Holy shit I think I have that conversation everyday... or something that makes my ears bleed just as much. I would like to order your survival kit of duct tape, DVD, DS...etc

Jess said...

He said: "Mom, are we home yet?"
I wanted to say: Does it look like we're at home, genius!?
I did say: "No, sweetie."

Oh my lord. You make me laugh, everyday.

All Things Family said...

too funny! when I was a nanny I had many conversations like that...and it was even harder to be nice b/c they weren't even my kids!

Shelly said...

thats funny! when my kids do this and just wont finally hush i will say can we please have it quite now...you talk too much, you can ask questions again tomorrow! i have also said what you did about calling daddy...

Kameron said...

Oh I can't wait until that happens to me. They say the most random freakin things!

Elisabeth said...

LOL!! That's funny! When Princess T lets out all of her random thoughts while we are out, she'll start with "Mom, you know what?" Then she'll say whatever is on her mind. Then she'll say, "Mom, you know what?" She'll go on like that until I completely think I'm losing my mind and then I start bursting out with laughter! Once she realizes I'm laughing, she usually takes the hint.

Tanya said...

I have these chats too often. Oh, the things I want to say! Sometimes I think my poor little geneous will be lucky to master the skills of a Walmart greeter, but I say, "You are so smart honey, good girl!"

heidi said...

Oh yeah. Good times, good times. Wait until every third word is like.

"It was, like, cold at recess? So we were, like, playing o nthe bars? With the 5th graders? ANd, like, the boys were chasing us!"

Me: On the bars? They were chasing you on the bars?

Her: eyeroll No, mom. They were, like, chasing us? and so we went to the bars. ANd the 5th graders were there?


Me: "Did your brain fall out of your head and render you unable to speak in sentences with punctuation other than question marks?

Her: Moooooom, that is like Sooooo mean!

Me: Well, like, I'm Like, sorry and stuff.

Mother of the year, right here.

Brooke said...

I'm guaranteed a laugh every time I read your blog - thanks! I"m afraid that when my daughter starts talking enough to ask me those questions, I might just answer with what I really want to say instead of what I should say!

BTW, I like your new blog button.

Michele said...

Laughing out loud as usual... I couldn't have said it better myself. Like everyone else, I have the same conversations and there are times when I've thought about driving straight into a wall and instead I smile and say "let's play the quiet game!"

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

How funny! I believe my thoughts would follow a similar pattern as yours did. :)
Our car dvd player is broken. I seriously do not know what I'm going to do. I haven't been this motivated to fix something in a long time!

Michele said...


Hey Nikki,

check this out, I saw this and completely thought of you!

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Yep. Its official. I pretty much love your blog.

Lane said...

Oh geez, I can't wait until mine start talking. Nikki, those were funnier than hell. Nice one!