Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Story of Jack...

This is the tale of how The One Who Gets Away With Murder came to be.

A little after Lily's 1st birthday in October, I started to get the itch...again. Jake knew the look and he knew it all too well. Something about that 1st birthday party always reminded me that the little one was growing up...it would trigger my arms to ache for the feeling of a cradled newborn in my arms...and even to start that crazy first year over again. No...I'm not a sadist...I just have a thing for those tiny little bundles who smile at everything, laugh until they cry and fall asleep wherever they are...as long as it's in their Mommy's arms.

So, the look...Jake responded with a booming, "HELL TO NIZ-O!" He adamently refused to have another baby. Our first born was a tragedy...we managed to have two healthy little boogers...and a boy and a girl, to boot. He was ready to fold his hand, cash in his chips, and head for the hills. I wasn't going to give in that easily...I had always wanted 3 kids...I had always wanted the choreographed chaos of a bigger family.

I decided that if Jake didn't want anymore children...then HE could take care of birth control. I had been on the pill since I was 16 and was tired of taking them everyday and was eager to see what I was like without the daily dose of hormones! Jake was not impressed with my idea. But...I told him that it was his turn.

So, to my surprise, he decided to call my bluff. He made an appointment for a consultation for a vasectomy. I went with him...I was not going to miss this. The doctor took us to the room where the procedure would be performed...now remember...we're talking about a little in-office procedure...NOT surgery. Not a surgery like the 3 cesarean sections that I endured to birth his 3 children! No scalpels slicing 6 inch incisions into his abdomen...no doctors thrusting their arms elbow deep into his belly...no nurse sitting on top of his chest trying to push a 9 pound baby down and out through a hole that seemed way too small...no catheters, no stool softeners, no bleeding, no staples, no sore nipples...none of it. Just a simple little ole procedure...a little snip-snip, if you will.

Now...I knew the look that came over Jake's face when he was hit with the cold sterility of the procedure room. He turned white as a sheet and started swallowing a little harder...clenched his knees together and his voice raised an octive, or two. He managed to set up an apointment for December 11th...then ran as fast as he could out of the office. I was starting to think he might go through with it.

Over the next few weeks, I threw in a few last ditch efforts to change his mind. Turns out...they either worked, or were never needed. Just 5 days before the scheduled procedure...Jake called and cancelled and came home with a big ole box of condoms! While some would see this as a man planning on using birth control...I saw this as a ray of hope. Anyone who's had sex with a man knows how bad he hates condoms...even if that thin sheath of latex is the only thing standing in the way of another mouth to feed.

I'll spare you these details...but one drunken night of passion and 7 days later...Jack was conceived! So, Jack...you are the product of compromise, negotiation, perseverance, stubborness, sacrifice, and unfortunately, an evil scheme plotted by your mother...your father's fear of needles...a few too many shots of Patron...your fathers disdain for condoms...oh, and, of course, the love that we share!

Doesn't matter which way you cut it...we got Jack...sweet, crazy, wild, fearless, funny, adorable, brown-curly locked, big blue-eyed, determined, strong-willed, so much fun to have around...Jack!! I can't imagine our lives without him!!!


Kameron said...

That is great. Luckily it isn't up to the men to bear the kiddos or else civilization would have been done for long ago!! So now that you have your 3, did he end up having the procedure after all, or did you have to do that too?? :o)

Kameron said...

Figures! Men, they get a splinter and they are done for! You have 4 c-sections and then get the joy of having your tubes tied! Anyway, thanks for making me laugh every day. I gave you a blogging award! No strings attached!! :o)

Heidi said...

Hilarious. For lots of reasons that my husband would kill me for saying, but use your imagination. Also a bit too much info. when you actually know the people in real life. hehe. I am keeping my husband FAR away from reading this. I don't want him getting any ideas. We are in the same boat right now.