Friday, November 7, 2008

10 years ago today, I changed forever...

Dear Joey,

I will not go through the list of things that I should have done...or things that I could have done...or knowing what I know now, the things I would have done. For, there is no use in pondering the would've's and the could've's...they only bring pain.

I knew this day was different. I knew this time was not like the other times we thought we might lose you. I knew you were gone...a mother knows. The doctors and nurses tried to give us a little hope...they tried to tell us that there was a small chance. Our family, didn't even want to think it. They would say, "Nikki, you've seen him do this before and he makes it...he always pulls through." "Not this time," I'd say, "he can't make it this time."

I could see that you were tired. I could see that you didn't want or need to fight anymore. No one so small, and so fragile, yet so perfect in my eyes should have to fight that hard to breathe, to live.

I remember being alone in the room with you...the nurse who kept trying to point out little signs that might mean that you would be okay...had just left the room. I stood next to your bed, I was stroking your arm and do you remember what I said? I leaned in close to you and whispered, "You can go don't have to fight for me anymore." It was the sweetest, simplest, purest, most sublime moment I'd experienced and continues to be to this day. Just a few hours later the tests confirmed what I already knew...a mother always knows.

You lived your life...all 10 months and 21 days of it...for others, from the beginning until the bittersweet end, you held on. Month after month, day after day, minute after minute you would fight for us...sharing your smiles and sharing your warmth. All those nights in the hospital rooms...the three of us talking, playing, laughing, and bonded your father and I together forever. We were so young and so naive, and you showed us what love is. I thank you for that, and when your brothers and sister are old enough to know the story...they will thank you, too.

You held on for knew when she would need you. Your tiny, perfect little heart..the symbolic essence of who you was so strong. Your other organs were beginning to fail...but, your heart beat on. Just as it does today. Ten years later, she is because of you. I know her family thanks you for that...and when she is older and has a better understanding...she will, too.


Thank you, son, I am a better person because of you.

I love you like crazy and miss you even more,


Kel said...

you are a very good mommy and Joey would be very proud of you!

Kameron said...

I am balling my eyes out for you sweetie. I don't know what it must be like to loose a child, but as a mommy I can only imagine, and pray it never happens. It was wonderful that his heart could save another child and I know that her and her parents do thank you every day.

The White Family said...

First time on your blog and I read this post and it touched my heart like you wouldnt believe. I can't stop crying for what you went through. Bless your heart.

Jen said...

WOW! What an amazing story. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am always uplifted to know that others have lived through what I have only feared, and they have survived. And your marriage survived, your family survived, your hope survived. What a great way to share your story.