Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sobering up...

I've been on "happy pills" for about six years now.

Six years ago, the perfect storm of life situations collided, and sent me spiralling into a depression.

1) Jack was born. I love that little shit, but, he has been a hard child to raise, thus far!

2) My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. I thought being a grown up would mean that my parents' divorce would be no skin off my back...I was wrong!

3) I was expecting too much out of my husband. The poor man was busting his hump to keep me happy, and I was expecting more.

I was having horrible physical symptoms of my depression, and finally, decided that I needed pharmaceutical help.

I had been really against it. I told myself that I had survived the death of my child...I buried my boy...that if I could make it through that without drugs, then I could make it through anything without them.

Until that perfect storm.

I was put on anti-depressants, and slowly the fog lifted.

Jake would tease me that he hated that it took drugs to make me love him and happy with him again. I gave him two options. 1) No pills. I'm a bitch. He divorces me. Then gives me all his money every month in child support. 2) I take the pills. Life is good. He gets laid regularly. And keeps his money.

He liked option two.

The pills were needed and were helping, but, I didn't want to stay on them forever.

Periodically, over the past few years, I have tried to come off my "happy pills." My efforts were futile. Within a week, or so, of the last pill I would take, the clouds of depression would begin to roll in again. The idea of the depression returning...was depressing on it's own.

This year, we made some big changes. I've shifted some perspectives that have needed to be shifted regarding patience, and control. We pulled the plug on the television, freeing ourselves from it's chains. This year just started off right. It felt good.

So, at the very beginning of it, I decided to wean myself off my "happy pills" and give it another try to sober up. I weaned a bit more slowly this time. Maybe that's made the difference. Maybe I've changed. Maybe the timing was just right. I haven't taken an anti-depressant since late January.

So far, so good. This is as far as I've ever gotten. I am constantly scanning my moods, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. It scares the shit out of me, honestly. Any time there is the slightest change to my mood, or mind...I clench my teeth, and feel my neck tighten just a bit. Bracing myself for the fall.

As of today...I haven't fallen.

My mind feels clear.

My laughter feels genuine.

I think I'm okay.

Those pills can suck it!


S.I.F. said...

Just remember:

1.) Everyone has bad days - EVERYONE! A bad day does not mean you've fallen off the wagon.
2.) If you have to go back, it's seriously not the end of the world - but I don't think you will! :)
3.) You are kind of effing awesome, and sometimes timing is all someone needs to be able to live haze free without the meds. 2 months in? You've totally got this!

You're a rockstar!

Kameron said...

Good for you! I felt the same way about antidepressants for a long time, but now that I work for a biotech company and have done more research on them, I think they serve a good purpose. They aren't meant to be a forever crutch, so I am super proud of you for weaning off of them. You will have bad days, but don't doubt yourself! You're strong and can do it. Speaking of weaning, how's the DrP thing going? ;o)

Kristin said...



Tracy said...

Good! I bet you feel alot better not having to depend on pills for happiness.

You have a great family, and you are funny as shit. You don't need those "happy" pills.

This Daddy said...

I was hooked on lots of stuff. I also was on the Happy Pills, but you know, who wants to be on pills for the rest of their lives. You will be able to do it. All you have to do is remember you are stronger and Jake is gonna whoop your ass if you dont straighten up.

Anonymous said...

Amazing! Your life will be so wonderfully different without the cloud of pharmaceuticals. Sometimes they can be a necessary evil but, lady, you are effin' unbelievable and you don't need 'em!

Rootin' for ya all the way!!

Tessa said...

I've gone back and forth throughout the years wondering if I need them, but so far, I've refrained and my depression comes in waves.
So great that you are find w/out them, but hey, if we need them to keep sane, it's ok too!

Margaret said...

Good for you. I wish I could get off of mine but that just won't happen.

Kaolinmommy said...

Congratulations! And thanks for your honesty. I've been battling that same fog lately. It always helps to hear stories of people who beat the crap out of it!!

C. Rose Fisher said...

I have been there! You can do stay off, or on...either way you have an amazing husband who loves you and a fantastically funny outlook on life, so I think you are gonna make it girl.....keep us posted!

Tim said...

Nikki my friend you ROCK!

No one but you could possibly understand what you have been through and yet here you are facing lifes most challenging obstacles and breaking down the walls doing it.

I just gotta know how your doing without tv having kids? I need some advice on that one because mine go crazy if they dont have their daily fix.

I agree with the others especially when it comes to you though...... you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. You have always been very strong willed and it is those convictions that get you through. I have NO DOUBTS!


Nikki B. said...

you guys are awesome!!!

thanks so much, seriously!!