Sobering up...

I've been on "happy pills" for about six years now.

Six years ago, the perfect storm of life situations collided, and sent me spiralling into a depression.

1) Jack was born. I love that little shit, but, he has been a hard child to raise, thus far!

2) My parents divorced after almost 30 years of marriage. I thought being a grown up would mean that my parents' divorce would be no skin off my back...I was wrong!

3) I was expecting too much out of my husband. The poor man was busting his hump to keep me happy, and I was expecting more.

I was having horrible physical symptoms of my depression, and finally, decided that I needed pharmaceutical help.

I had been really against it. I told myself that I had survived the death of my child...I buried my boy...that if I could make it through that without drugs, then I could make it through anything without them.

Until that perfect storm.

I was put on anti-depressants, and slowly the fog lifted.

Jake would tease me that he hated that it took drugs to make me love him and happy with him again. I gave him two options. 1) No pills. I'm a bitch. He divorces me. Then gives me all his money every month in child support. 2) I take the pills. Life is good. He gets laid regularly. And keeps his money.

He liked option two.

The pills were needed and were helping, but, I didn't want to stay on them forever.

Periodically, over the past few years, I have tried to come off my "happy pills." My efforts were futile. Within a week, or so, of the last pill I would take, the clouds of depression would begin to roll in again. The idea of the depression returning...was depressing on it's own.

This year, we made some big changes. I've shifted some perspectives that have needed to be shifted regarding patience, and control. We pulled the plug on the television, freeing ourselves from it's chains. This year just started off right. It felt good.

So, at the very beginning of it, I decided to wean myself off my "happy pills" and give it another go...to try to sober up. I weaned a bit more slowly this time. Maybe that's made the difference. Maybe I've changed. Maybe the timing was just right. I haven't taken an anti-depressant since late January.

So far, so good. This is as far as I've ever gotten. I am constantly scanning my moods, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop. It scares the shit out of me, honestly. Any time there is the slightest change to my mood, or mind...I clench my teeth, and feel my neck tighten just a bit. Bracing myself for the fall.

As of today...I haven't fallen.

My mind feels clear.

My laughter feels genuine.

I think I'm okay.

Those pills can suck it!