Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Twelve Days of Christmas, Bullock-style...

I'll spare you all a video of me singing this little ditty...Christmas is stressful enough already without you having my singing voice ringing through your ears this holiday. You'll have to sing these lyrics yourself!

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a migraine that could bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…two dozen houseguests, and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and...DRUGS...I'm going to need drugs for this headache!

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!!

One the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES…OMG, seriously? Are you F-ing kidding me??, four holiday parties, three feuding children, too many people to feed, and a migraine!!!

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…six hours of sleep, FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES, four holiday parties, three kids that won't SHUT UP..., two dozen houseguests, and a labotomy...that's what I need for this headache!

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…seven days on a beach…oh wait, no…I dreamed that...F$&*...six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft fees...looks like we'll be having this for dinner instead:

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four holiday parties, three annoying children, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!!!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...I wish!, six hours of sleep, five assholes at the bank, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights that never work, seven days on a beach, six measly hours of sleep, all those overdraft fees, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a headache...for the love of all that is sane and good...WHY AREN'T THESE DRUGS WORKING!?!

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...yeah right, six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft charges, four holiday parties...”oh yeah, good to see you, too…how are the kids?…could you show me where your shotgun is!?!”...three awful children, two dozen houseguests and that horrible, horrible headache!

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eleven pairs of pajama pants, ten TV specials...that clay-mation abominable snowman FREAKS ME OUT:
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nine thousand gifts, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach, six hours of sleep...i need more sleep, five...F#$% F#@% F#%#, four holiday parties, three little rugrats, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!

One the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…twelve bottles of cheap wine…it looks like this is the only way we’re gonna survive this, people...eleven pairs of pajama pants...you won’t see me in sequins or silk…it’s flannel for me, all season long, ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...that's all I wanted...DAMMIT, six hours of not near enough sleep, five overdraft charges, four joyous parties, three nightmarish children, too many houseguests and a headache that will be the death of me!!!

Merry Christmas you guys!!!

5 comments:

All these B's and Me! said...

F'n HILARIOUS!

Heidi said...

Girl, take 2 bottles of wine & call me in the morning.

Or do what we did, move 15 hrs. away & you do whatever the hell you want at Christmas.

Kameron said...

I love you girl! I was having a majorly irritating morning but you made me laugh out loud. My co-workers probably think I'm crazy since every time i read your posts I'm muffling laughter in my cubicle!

Welcome to the Chappell's! said...

OMFG, hysterical! I was laughing so hard at this here @ work...people must think I'm insane! lol

Brooke said...

I so look forward to your posts - every single time you crack me up. This was effing hil-ar-ious!