How much for that arm over there?

"So, listen up, babe. This is our new life/medical insurance information. I just renewed it."

I was only halfway listening. I really should pay more attention to this kinda stuff, but, like the finances, this is one of those things that Jake handles. Alone.

Without turning from the monitor, I say, "Sounds good, honey, whatever you think."

Jake, not realizing that I wasn't paying too much attention, continues, "...and the Accidental Death and Dismemberment coverage is whatever-hundred thousand."

*That word is weird. Dismemberment. Dismemberment is what serial killers do to bodies they are trying to hide.*

Distracted by the word, I say, "Dismemberment. Is that, like, if you lose an arm, or something?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

I'm still turning this word over and over in my head, I finally turn from the computer and say, "So, if you lose an arm, I get whatever-hundred thousand dollars?"

Jake looks up from his computer and my eye catches his. He sees where I'm going with this, and before the question is even asked, he says, "Uh...NO!"

"Whatever-hundred thousand dollars...FOR YOUR ARM? You think they're worth more than that? Because, I would consider sacrificing an arm for a nice chunk of cash."

Emphatically, Jake says, "NO FUCKING WAY! Not even for a million dollars. NO WAY!!"

Raising the 'emphatic' bar, I say, "ONE MILLION?!?! YOU WOULDN'T GIVE UP YOUR ARM FOR A MILLION DOLLARS?! I think I might do it! I mean, you would still love me if I only had one arm, right?"

Thinking, which is not what a woman wants her husband to do after being asked this question, Jake says, "Uh...I don't...may...I guess I would, but, I WOULDN'T GIVE UP MY ARM!! Not even for a million dollars!!"

After a little banter, I let it go. We each turn back to our computers, clicking our mice.

A few minutes pass, and I'm sure Jake is no longer thinking about it, but, I was.

Breaking the silence, I say, "Honey, what about a finger? How much would it take for you to give up a finger?"

"What the fuck's wrong with you? It would take a lot. Maybe a hundred thousand. I like all my parts. All of them. I need all my fingers. Not even for the well-being of our family. I'd rather stress over money for the rest of our lives and have all my parts, than live the rest of it worry free, without an appendage! You're such a freak!"

"Well, you're a selfish prick!"

What about you? How much are your arms/fingers/other parts worth?

Post It Note Tuesday...

I'm found this carnival via my crazy Canadian friend, Melinda. It looks like fun, and it's still Tuesday for a little while longer.

So, here goes...

Pothead...

I love my pot!

I love the way it makes me feel.

My head feels clearer when I use the pot.

I heart my pot...A LOT!

I even had to Google how often you can safely use the pot.

I thought I might OD on the pot. Turns out...what your stoner friends told you, is true. You can't overdose on the pot!

So, to cope with the allergy symptoms I've been suffering this season...I've become a pothead!

A Neti pothead, that is!!

All Hallows Eve...

Totally ditching the kids this Halloween for a bad ass concert!

Don't worry, they'll be fine. You give a kid a bucket of candy...they forget all about the neglect!

We saw these guys in Austin at ACL...and this is the concert we were trying to get into when Jake was snapped and curtsied at, by two gay, middle aged men.

Ghostland Observatory.

They are RIDICULOUS, and put on one helluva show. Complete with lasers and glow sticks!! Yeah, it's that kinda party.

Our friends are coming up from Austin, and my good friend D, from high school, and her husband are hanging with us.

D and J are dressing up as the Queen of Hearts and the Madd Hatter from Alice...Tucker and his girl are gonna come up with something...which just leaves Jake and I.

Jake really doesn't want to dress up...and I wanna do something that I'll be able to be comfortable in for the show.

What'd'ya think? What should I dress up as?

I have a fro that would be fun...and thought about dressing up as the lead singer with tight ass jeans, braids, and aviators.

Are you guys dressing up this year? If so...I need ideas. Cheap, easy, ideas conducive for the groove that I'll be getting on!

Priorities...

We're on a pretty tight budget.

You know, since I don't have a job that pays me a respectable sum of money...and because those assholes won't let me into nursing school!

Yesterday, at the grocery store, I was given a set dollar amount, not to exceed.

In the check out line, as my total grew and grew, then teetered just over the edge of my limit...I was forced to make a decision.

A decision that completely revealed my priorites.

I put back a bottle of these...

That would help to keep Jake and I healthy during flu season, to buy a box of this...


That would help me get my drink on, this weekend.

Cast your stones, if you must...they won't hurt me, because I'll be buzzin'!

Scrooge...

It's coming.

No matter how deep I dig my heels into October, it's coming to an end. I'm sure November is gonna do the same damn thing. Then, December will come along, thumbing her nose at me, as she whizzes right by!

Yes, December is a she...cuz she's a bitch!!

I lovelovelovelove spending time with family and all the good food during the holidays.

That's it!!

I hate every other part of it!!

It's ridiculous. I bet if Jesus were here, he would even think it was a little silly. I always hear, "Jesus is the reason for the season." I call bullshit on that.

I can guarantee that kids only have their minds on one man during the holidays...and sorry, Jesus, that man is Santa!!

I can also guarantee that Jesus was the furthest thing from my mind last year when I had a glass or two, too much wine, and verbally assaulted my SIL, over a giant chartreuse purse, during a Chinese gift exchange. We're still cool, though. It wasn't the first time it happened...and it likely, won't be the last!

Speaking of Chinese gift exchanges, no one was thinking about Jesus when Jake and I someone wrapped up a GI-normous summer sausage and two cheeseballs up, to look like...well, the male genitalia, because we thought it was hilarious they were sick and twisted!! And the rest of the family wasn't thinking about Jesus either, when they gave it to Jake's grandmother to open!!

I digress...

Alas, there is one more part of the holidays that I heart. It's actually my fave-avorite part of all...

HOLIDAY CARDS!!

We plan these year/s in advance because we have so much fun. The kids love it, and it's a blast seeing what we can come up with each year!

Here are the last three year's cards...

Last night we photographed and I worked on this year's Christmas card! Dude, I'm stoked!

I was talking about it on Facebook, and people were calling me 'over achiever' and 'show off.' I would like to address those claims.

First, I am anything BUT an over achiever. I have, and from what I can tell, always will, do the bare minimum to squeak by. I set goals and work for them. However, I will slack off in the beginning, but finish HELLA strong!! It's just how I roll, yo. I'm lazy. Lazy people are NOT over-achievers!!

Second, the claims that I'm a 'show off.' Well, that may be partly true, but these holiday cards are the only joy I get out of the season. I hate Christmas. All the shopping, all the wrapping, all the stress, the financial drain, all the 'I want this, I want that'!! Ugh...it makes me clench my teeth just thinking about it!! Anyway, these cards are my most favorite part...so, maybe I'm showing off. But, Dammit Jim, just let me have my moment, 'kay?!

I'm dying to show you 2009's card, but, I think I should at least wait until after Halloween to get them out!!

Oh, yeah! That reminds me. Some of you bloggy friends of mine, have become well, friends. If you would trust me, and you don't think it's too weird, I'd love to have some of your addresses for when we send out cards. If you wouldn't mind emailing them to me.

I guess if you don't trust me, and you do think it's too weird...then, we just aren't that good of friends, now are we? And, I'm hurt!

300...and a giveaway!

This is my 300th post. It really doesn't mean shit, but, I thought it was a nice round number, on which, to announce my first giveaway winner!

I really appreciate all your help with the name of my photography business.

The winner of the Target gift card, for, like, $10.83 goes to...

Kameron at A Wrinkle in Time...with "Phuckin' Photography".

I LOVED IT!!

Albeit a kickass name...I can't use it. I mean, I could. But, I probably wouldn't be a very successful photographer.

I can just see all the ladies at the church potluck...

"Oh, I LOVED your maternity pictures. Who did them?"

"Nikki at Phuckin' Photography. Aren't they great?"

Silence would ensue...awkward glances...and nary a referral!!

So, there is another winner.

Brooke at Dinkypops No More! She was the first to suggest "Nikki B Photography," and I think it sounds great!

Sorry, Brooke. You're stuck with the WalMart gift card!!

Thanks so much, guys!!

Smarty pants...

We took the kids to the movies this weekend to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in 3D.

Decent enough show. The 3D effects kept us entertained when the plot started to drag.

At the end of the movie, I took this picture...

I looked at it when we got to the car and thought Jack's teeth looked funny. In the pic, it looks like he's missing at least one tooth.

I turned around to look at him, and said, "Jack...open your mouth. Did you lose a tooth? Why didn't you tell me you lost a tooth?"

He said, "I lost a tooth? Lemme see! Is the tooth fairy coming? You're right, Avery, it didn't even hurt. Ye-aaaah!"

I grabbed his lips and stretched them, to get a good look. He hadn't lost a tooth, and I assumed it was his lip or tongue covering them in the picture.

Then, I started really looking at his teeth. And they were tiny. I mean, freakishly small, and I started freaking out a bit.

I said, "JAKE...JAKE...LOOK! Look at his teeth! What's wrong with them? What happened? Jack...what happened? Did you bang your teeth or jaw on the concrete? Jake...his teeth are jammed further up in his head. They're shrinking!! Why would his teeth BE SHRINKING?! What happened, buddy?"

Jake just stared at me, blankly.

I said, "What? What do you think happened? Should we take him to the dentist?"

Jake, began to slowly shake his head, and said, "Nikki...seriously?"

"WHAT?! His teeth should not be SHRINKING!! Something happened!"

Jake just stared. Waiting. Giving me a chance to redeem myself.

"WHAT?! Something is wrong with his frickin' teeth!! Would you just quit shaking your head at me!! WHAT?!"

I had no idea that I had just lost all of my cool points.

As if he were mercifully killing a lame dog with a bullet to the head, he finally said, "His teeth aren't shrinking, you freak...he's growing!"

"Ooooooooh!! Yeah...that does make more sense, doesn't it!"

¯...Somebody once told me, the world is gonna roll me...¯...I ain't the sharpest tool in the she-ed...¯

Taking care of MORE business...

I've been in a bit of a funk over the last few days.

Just blah...

That is, until Kelly awarded me this...

Nice, right? I haven't received an award in a long time. It's always good to feel the love!! Thanks a ton, Kelly!! You can find her here!

Then...THEN...the very next day, I received ANOTHER award!!

From Shelly!


Thanks so much, Shelly...I love feelin' the love!! You guys can find her here!

Another bit of "business"...

I so appreciate all of your ideas for my photography. It took MrsW and my friends from high school, Kristy, and Chris, to remind me that I have other names!! I kinda forgot that I had my real name, Nicole, and maiden name, Bownds, to add to my choices!!

Kam's idea was tacky, and inappropriate, and crude...AND I LOVED IT! But, I'm pretty sure that "Phuckin' Photography" probably wouldn't fly! Not far, anyway!

Anyway, you guys gave me lots of good ideas, and I'll let you know who gets the gift card tomorrow.

Annually...

It happens every year.

You'd think I would learn. That, at the very least, I would brace myself for the pain. Yet, year after year, I am blindsided by it.

I posted this last year. Almost exactly a year ago, in fact.

I don't think I can express myself any differently. Or better.

So, I'll just repeat it...

It's funny how just the change in weather can make you miss someone so terribly.

Joey was born in December, was transplanted in late August and died in November. This time of year always stirs up so many emotions for me.

It's been 10 11 years since his death. Every year I expect it to get easier and easier. I wouldn't call it easier. Just different.

Time heals all wounds? I don't think so.

Time stops the bleeding and forms a scab. But, something as simple as a cool breeze marking the change of a season, can reopen that wound. Bringing pain, heartache, and the realization that I am not healed and may never be.

Taking care of business...

UPDATE!!
For those of you who're too scared to go to WalMart, for fear of your life...first of all, MOVE!!...Or, if you're too good for WalMart...I have a Target card for ya!! Better?

Great ideas so far...

And if I go with Kam's idea, is "Phuckin' Photography" too offensive? Would you hire "Phuckin' Photography" to shoot your new baby? Maybe? No? Think about it...it's definitely got a ring to it!!

*********ORIGINAL POST************
I took maternity pictures of my ex-neighbor this weekend, and it was my first official shoot.

I did this one pro bono, on account of...she used to put up with our drunk asses on the weekends, when we would play poker with her parents, and hang out at their pool.

Yes, she is the daughter of friends of ours. Which means, I'm fucking old!

Fuck!

She is gorgeous, and her name is Stolle.

Like the vodka.

I dig that about her!!

Check 'em out...











I love taking pictures. I always have. I'm happy to be doing it and will be happy to, eventually, be bringing in a little extra cash flow. Maybe I can save enough money to just buy myself an effing nursing degree online. That might be something to look into, since the universe seems to keep putting shit in my path, hindering the honing of my mad nursing skills.

Anyway, I love it...but, I don't love NB Photography. I need a name for my business. I don't have a soft, pretty, fluid name like Alicia White, or Brooke Gorman.

My name is hard. Nikki Bullock. It just doesn't flow. It doesn't sing.

Rather than reverberating through the air...it falls out of your mouth and hits the pavement, with a thud.

It barks.

Which, actually suits me perfectly, I s'pose. But, it doesn't look good on paper. Especially picture paper!

So, I am pleading with you guys to help me out with a name.

I'll even make it worth your while. I'll send you a little something, as a thank you...if I end up using the name you suggest.

Oooh...I know. I have a gift card in my wallet for like $10.83 to Wal-Mart. It's left over from when I returned...probably a bra, or something...but, I'll send it to ya.

Now that I think about it...I might have used it. So, you may get an empty gift card to Wal-Mart...I don't know.

That'll be fun, too.

It'll be like playing the lotto...kinda.

You'll be in the check out line, you'll swipe the card I gave you...there'll be that dramatic pause, where you hold your breath, wondering if there is any money in your bank account when the computers are running slow...you'll be nervous, hoping that you've won.

"Come on...big money...no whammies...", you'll say.

Aaaaaaaaaand stop!

The cashier says, "Sorry, the gift card is empty."

Awwwwwwww...so close.

But, the adrenaline rush would be the real prize. That'll make it worth it.

Don'tcha think? Will you help me? Please?

Parting gift...

Jack went to a sleepover birthday party on Friday.

Yesterday, the kids' mom called and said that they just left the doctor, and both her kids have the flu!!

YAY!

Nothing says, "We're so glad you came...thanks for the light sabre," quite like influenza A!

But, hey...if you really wanna go all out, and make your guests feel appreciated...go with H1N1!

YAY!

Gamer brain...

Video killed the radio star, and video games have killed the brain cells of my children.

This weekend, I had the following conversation with Jack.

Me: Hey, buddy...look. That's where Bubba will go to school next year. That will be his new school.

Jack: He's going there tomorrow?

Me: No, sweetie...not tomorrow. I said next year.

Jack: Oh...you mean after these home days? On Monday?

*Thank goodness he's so pretty!*

Me: No...I said next YEAR! Like, after he finishes fourth grade.

Jack: Ooooooooh...you mean...like...wait, what comes after fourth? Oh yeah...fifth. After he beats this level, he'll go to the fifth grade at that school?

*Yes, son. That's exactly what I mean. After he defeats the dragon and saves the princess at your school...he's going to a new world!*

Me: Dude...you have got to lay off the video games!

On the DL...

And by DL...I mean David Letterman!!

This little subject has come up quite a few times, since Dave has been in the news.

So, you know my Top 5 List? The list of the 5 men who I can have sex with, and it's cool? Well, not too terribly long ago...David Letterman was on my fucking list!!

I shit you, not!!!

DO.NOT.JUDGE.ME...LEST.YE.BE.JUDGED...CAPICHE??

I don't know what it was. Maybe it's his personality. Maybe it was a dry spell in Hollywood. Maybe I have Daddy issues. Who knows...but, there's just something about him, that spins my top, just a bit.

Anyway, one of the prompts for MamaKat's writing assignment this week is...

The top ten six things I'd rather be doing than having sex with David Letterman

So, here's my list:

6. Having sex with Paul Rudd

5. Having sex with Vince Vaughn

4. Having sex with Robert Downey, Jr.

3. Having sex with David Duchovny

2. Having sex with Hugh Laurie

1. Winning the lottery

I don't know...having sex with a 60 year old, funny, ka-millionaire, with a srangely sexy gap between his teeth, just doesn't seem like such a chore!!

I can't be the only woman to feel this way, can I?

Head over to MamaKat's if you wanna play along...

Calling all moms...

I'm trying to find the balance between teaching my children and protecting them, but giving them space to learn from their own mistakes. It's hard. Really hard.

I remember when my kids were younger.

When I could guiltlessly strap them into a chair put them in their bouncer...or, lock them in a cage let them play, confined in their cribs...or, strap them into a straight jacket swaddle them tightly. The best part...I could do all those things, and they were too little and helpless to put up a fight, or tattle to authorities...or, worse, to grandma!!

Even if you're not a mom, yet, you likely have it all mapped out in your head.

You already know how you are going to raise your future children...and think that you're gonna have a schedule and strict bedtimes, and no candy, and no sodas, and no fighting. Yeah...I'm gonna need you to let me know how all that works out for ya!!

Maybe you plan on your little dears being respectful, and adorable, and clean, with bows, and perfect parts in their hair, and white sneakers, and clean fingernails, who speak softly with nice words, and sleep in their own damned beds at night...JACK JOSEPH!!!

And then, if they survive toddler-hood, and the preschool years...you have to worry about "stranger danger," and them hanging out with the "wrong kids" (which, might actually be my children), and child predators, or about them taking off on their bikes and getting detained by the police...JACK JOSEPH!!!

So, moms, future moms, new moms, old moms...if you have a mom...if you know a hot mom...please help me out. How are you gonna handle it? How protective are you gonna be with them?

I also started a discussion in BlogFrog on this subject, if you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

Wednesday...Wurd!

Queer eye beats the straight guys...

The concert was sold out.

We needed four tickets.

There were many of us lingering outside the doors, hoping to happen upon an extra ticket, so that we might get in to see Ghostland one more time before the weekend ended.

Scalpers were lurking as well, hustling to beat us to the tickets, so they could hike the price, and make a killing.

It was a dirty, competitive little game...but, we were willing to play.

We decided to split up. The boys took one corner, as the girls took another. A little battle of the sexes, if you will.

Jake and Tucker had been working their corner for about 30 minutes, when a couple of guys, also looking for tickets, joined them, and struck up a conversation.

The four of them shot the shit. They talked about football, beer, bands, adjusted their junk, and probably spit...and shit.

A couple of girls approached, and said, "Hey, we have two extra tickets. Do y'all need tickets?"

All four men responded in unison, "How much?"

The girl, just wanting to break even, said, "Oh...I'll take face. I just don't want to eat them."

Before the words had finished leaving her lips, one of the other guys whips out a wad of cash, shoves it into her hand and says, "HERE! Forty bucks each. SOLD," and he snatched the tickets out of her other hand.

Jake and Tucker looked at each other in disbelief, wondering where the honor was among men.

Jake said, "Dude...we've been here a lot longer than you. That's not cool."

A grin stretched across the face of one of the men...and with a flick of his wrist, and a twist of his hips, a curtsy, and a snap, he said..."And we're queer!"

And with that, he grabbed his boyfriend's hand, turned, and they giggled their way to the entrance of the club...with gaiety*!

*Pun so carefully planned and definitely intended!!

Having had their masculinity mocked, the boys tucked their tails and headed our way.

Lucky for us...and them...we have boobs!

We scored one free ticket from a dude who was stood up on a date...two tickets from a mud covered man, whose girlfriend had not faired so well at the day's music festival and was passed out in the car...and one cheap ticket from a young kid whose buddy was a no-show.

We proudly waved the tickets in their faces, and had we known, then, the defeat they'd already suffered...we would've flicked our wrists, twisted our hips, curtsied, snapped, and said..."And we're bitches!"

Priceless...

Festival ticket...$150

Gas money...$75

Beers...$9 each x A lot = A BooKoo of money

Seeing the Toadies, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews and Kings of Leon, all in one weekend...PRICELESS!!!

I'm off to Austin to the ACL Festival. If you don't hear from me by Tuesday, it's because I've let my pit hair grow, quit showering, threw away my shoes, and am now a hippy.

Peace.