Wednesday, February 25, 2009

B****, PLEASE!!

Dear Bitch,

Can I call you bitch? I don't know if you'll remember me, or not. You did have your hands full.

I was at the table next to you today, when you and all your uppity, nipped and tucked, bored-housewife friends decided it was a good idea to take your obnoxious offspring to a very grown up restaurant. Honestly...who takes a herd of 5 snot-nosed, little brats to a Japanese hibachi steak house? Unless, of course, you are insane...or, maybe you're a masochist. Maybe you just like the idea of the people around you plotting your torture and murder.

Your children are young and you are likely very new to motherhood. As 2008's Mother-of-the-Year, I feel inclined to share with you a little of the wisdom I have acquired during my sentence term.

I would advise that you control your children by any means necessary. Sit on them, pin them to the ground...hell, bind and gag them for all I care. But, for the sake of your fellow diners...DO NOT allow them to hang over the back of their chairs chanting, "FIRE...FIRE...FIRE...WE WANT FIRE," as loudly as they can. It's not cute and it makes people want to hurt them.

I would also suggest that when your 2-year-old begins to vomit before you walk into a restaurant...TURN BACK. DO NOT GO IN! This is kind of an important one. It's NEVER a good idea to take a vomiting child...or vomiting anything, for that matter...into an establishment where people are trying to eat and enjoy a meal. Especially when that meal isn't cheap...we weren't in a McPlayPlace, lady!

You wanna know what's almost as un-appetizing as vomit on the ground next to you at a restaurant? The over-powering smell of the bleach and industrial cleaner that was brought out to clean the BIOHAZARD that your little princess had spewed all over the restaurant!

YOU TOOK YOUR PUKING KID INTO A RESTAURANT!!! Serious foul, my friend.

Lastly, I would like to express...how lucky I feel you are. For, had my level-headed husband not been there to restrain me...you would have had a set of chopsticks in your eyeballs. I'm just saying...

Your friend,
The lady who almost killed your sorry-ass

14 comments:

All these B's and Me! said...

You are too much! Lord, how I have said almost those exact words on many different occasions. WTF are people thinking?!?!?

kristi said...

OH hells to the no! Nasty!

heidi said...

Gah. DOn't come visit me, then. These people taht live in this town are spoiled and privledged and they think their shit don't stink.

I once took Corbs to Applebees and he projectile vomited during a Friday dinner service. You know it's not your first kid when, instead of pushin ghim away so you don't get vomitted on, you pull him CLOSER to minimize that contaminated area. Rob took him to the bathroom to clean up while I slammed my glass of wine and got our dinner to go. It was a nasty mess.

Kimmy said...

OMG! The nerve of some people, really! We actually had a couple weeks ago a family and their extended family bring in their two kids into a restaurant who allowed their kids run amuck in the restaurant. When finally, the youngest puked right next to my husband. People like these should seriously not be allowed to have kids. Stupid, stupid, clueless people!!!

Jess said...

Uh! Who the hell takes their puking child into a restaurant?!

Katrina said...

I say who cares if your husband is embarassed, you should have said something! The only place you should be taking a vomiting child is the emergency room!

Kristy said...

All of these comments make me never want to go eat in a restaurant again if children are there. And I would have totally freaked on that lady - she would be dead.

Rassles said...

People are assholes, aren't they?

Nikki B. said...

alicia: brain damage...she must've had brain damage.

kristi: very much so!!

heidi: see...i get that shit happens. a few things you did right...you pulled him closer so as to contain the biohazardous material...you wisked him to the lavatory where vomiting people belong...and you asked for you food "to go" and you took your sick baby home. a fine specimen, you are!

kimmy: there should be a least a quiz at your first prenatal exam. if you fail...you at least have to take a few parenting courses.

jess: apparently this psycho bitch digs it the most!

katrina: i should have stabbed her...i knew i should have stabbed her!

kristy: yes...i have kids and i HATE going to restaurants with kids.

rassles: FUCKING MORONS!!!

Kameron said...

I do not take my son to any restaurant that isn't already loud and nuts, like Texas Road House. You can't hear anything in there so no one notices my loud offspring. I woudn't take him to a Benihana. Seriously!

Michele said...

I think that you have to be one of the funniest women on this earth and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your tirades. I don't blog as often as I would like, but I check yours everytime b/c I know you will have thought or said or done something I would have. As for the idiots who ruined your night out with their exorcist child, I'm totally impressed with your strength and ablility to restrain yourself from a lethal use of chopsticks.

Jill (Sneaky Momma) said...

I HATE it when people bring there little kids to a restaurant like this. We love Japanese steakhouses and have talked about how much fun it will be to take our girls when they are OLDER. Much older. For now, it is our much needed, yet expensive, break away from little children. ALL little children. There should be an age requirement at restaurants such as these. Ok, I'm done now. :)
I hope that you were still able to enjoy your evening. Don't you wish you had one of those cooking stations at your house?

Hurricane Heather said...

For a second there, I thought you were describing me and my kids with the "FIRE FIRE WE WANT FIRE" part. But then the vomiting started. Yeah, that wasn't us.

Shawn said...

I found you via Hedi...you are seriously funny my friend!