On religion. And prayer.
I'm just gonna go ahead and go here, because I kind of need to vent, a little.
I'll apologize in advance, to whomever I may offend, and to my mother, for publicly professing my disbelief in her deity, of choice. I know she is ridiculously ashamed that she has raised a heathen child, bound for hell.
I was talking to a mom of one of Lily's friends yesterday, at school. She said that she'd heard I was going to nursing school, and we were chit chatting about it. We got on the subject of blood and guts, and mortality, and the reason I wanted to become a nurse, and I mentioned my first born. I did it as casually, and as briefly as I could, in order to lessen the impact of the unavoidable awkwardness.
My efforts, per usual, were futile.
I could see the shock and awe on her face, and she followed suit with the, "I'm so sorry's," "I can't imagine's," and the, "It must've been so hard's," that are the centerpiece of almost all of the conversations that I have about my son.
The talk of hospitals reminded her of the time when her daughter almost got the tip of her finger cut off in a freak accident. Miraculously, and leaving the doctors dumbfounded, her finger was sewn back together, and was 100% fine. No damage, whatsoever. I marveled at the "miracle," that she described, and just as she started to say, "Yes, it was amazing, we were so lucky," she stopped herself, and said...
"No...I'll tell you what saved her finger. We started praying. It was those prayers we said, and that alone, that saved her finger."
There was a moment of awkwardness, where a good, fellow Christian, would've said, "Oh, YES! Amen! AmenAmenAmen, Sister. Praise be to God and Hallelujah!" I'm not. So...I didn't.
Instead, I wondered if she could see the shock and awe on my face.
I wondered if she realized the low blow, she'd just delivered.
I had just told this woman, that my boy had a double organ transplant, and died. She proceeded to tell me, that her daughter almost lost the tip of her finger (I know, I know, the tip is the best part!), but, because of all that praying she did...the tip was fine!
If I were a Christian, what does that say about my boy? Actually, I did consider myself one at the time of his death.
That we didn't pray hard enough? That not enough people had prayed? That SHE hadn't prayed? What exactly...does that mean? What does that insinuate?
I do not understand Christians armed with good intentions, saying things like, "It was God's will." It was God's will that my baby died? He willed an innocent child to death? For what? So that someone else could learn something? That's pretty shitty!!
Or, "We are so blessed. God chose to heal our child." Really? Well, he's an ass, then, because that means he chose NOT to heal mine. If we're all God's children, then, in regard to the healing of my boy, I must be the red-headed step child!!
I don't understand that, about Christianity, and don't know if I ever will.
How does one reconcile that in their heads? How does this Christian woman, tell the mother of a dead baby, that because she and her friends prayed...her daughter's FINGER-FUCKING-TIP, is fine?!?
I imagine it's something, like this..."Oh...I'm sure picking out that tiny little casket for your kid sucked, but, look here at the tip of my daughter's finger! Look how Jesus, and Jesus alone, has given her 10 fingernails to paint, instead of an unsightly nine!! I shudder at the thought of only nine painted nails."
*Seriously, no offense to any nine-fingered people out there. I'm sure it's rough losing one of your digits, and I don't mean to discount that! For your sake, I hope you still have "tall man!" He's my favorite!*
I'm totally being a smartass...
Having said all this...I'm not bitter, or angry, or jealous that "God" didn't save my boy. I'm really not. I've said before that I'm thankful to whomever, for that experience, and the perspective that I have.
However, it is this perspective that causes the ruffling of my feathers, over instances like this one. With all the suffering in the world (again, I'm not talking about me, here...my suffering is minuscule/non-existent compared to that, of others.), why would God answer prayers over tips of fingers? Even the prayers lifted up over my son? How does our "heavenly father" decide, which of his children to heal, and which one to allow to suffer?
If God is capable of answering all the prayers...but, doesn't. Then, why does he answer any of the prayers?
In my opinion, he doesn't. Simple as that.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
On religion. And prayer.
Posted by Nikki B. at 11:09 PM