Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Lost and found…

Our hotel room in Mexico had scales in the bathroom. 


Bullshit, dude! 

Who the hell weighs themselves, while they’re on vacation?

I’ll tell ya who does?  Jake does.

Late into the first day, Jake said, “Hey babe, hop on the scale and see how much you weigh.  I weighed myself.  Let’s see if you really gain weight while you’re on vacation.”

I was all…”FUCK THAT!  I don’t need that shit right now…I’m on vacation.  It takes every ounce of confidence I can muster to get my fat ass in a bathing suit and parade these thighs down the beachfront, there is no freaking way I’m getting on a scale.  Unless, you’re cool with sitting right here listening to me bitch and moan because I’m too fat to get in the suit.  You cool with that?”

“Just do it,” he said.


Don’t even ask me what I weighed…I’m not telling.  It was a three digit number, and that’s all you need to know.

So, we ate drank, and were merry, and I all but forgot about those god forsaken scales for the rest of our trip. 

The last day, before checkout, I was reminded by them, while weighing our bags, to make sure they were under the 50 pound mark.

The bags were…me, notsomuch!

Jake said, “Oh yeah!  Let’s weigh to see if we gained.  I’ll go first.”

“Dude…you’re ridiculous.  Do you think this is fun?”

“Oh look…I lost three pounds while we were here,” Jake reported. 

“REALLY?!  Let me see, you metabolic freak!  I hate you!”

“Quit hatin’,” Jake tried to make me feel better, “you probably lost, too.  It was probably all the hiking we did that day at XPLOR.  Get on.”

“Yeah…maybe,” I replied, as I hesitantly stepped on the scales.

The scales settled on a number…a number FOUR POUNDS HIGHER than the number it settled on, my first day in the room.

Jake erupted, “BWAHAHAHAHAHA…I lost three pounds, and you found ALL  of it!!!   AND…a pound of someone else’s!!!!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“Are you done?” I glared.  “What a stupid effing idea that was!!”

As I recount this story….there is no wonder where my libido has gone, for, I left it on the scales at the hotel, whilst being laughed at by my husband!!


Kimmy said...

LOL!! Awwww....LOL! I feel ya! I too, gained 4 pounds while in Vegas! Men SUCK, btw!! LOL

MX3 said...

Toby makes me hit the stupid scale at the grocery store everytime we go together. I swear I'm going to quit letting him (and the kids) beg their way into going on shopping trips because not only do I leave knowing how much I weigh, I also leave with at least 3 bags full of crap (courtesy of the hitch hikers) that certainly aren't going to be helping the situation, lol.

S.I.F. said...

What a dick.

And seriously! Who puts that in a hotel! People don't want to know how much they weigh on vacation!

Melinda said...

WTF, I hate the scale, as I was reading your post in my mind I kept saying 'don't do it don't do it don't do it'. My stupidass husband would do the same thing...lose weight on vacation pffft who the fuck does that. They're all bastards.
Apparently I'm pissed at my husband now. hmmm didn't see that coming.

Alicia W. said...

No fucking way I would weigh infront of B because he would torture me with it for the remaining of the vacation. Esp if we were betting on who would lose or gain.. he would be feeding me chocolate in my sleep.

Tell Jake that you gained 4lbs of his bullshit. :)

This Daddy said...

I swear Jake is my damn m-fing hero. Man Tracy would slice my sac over some shit like that. Jake, Jake he's our man if he cant say it NO ONE CAN. Nikki B, your awesome and you know it, quit bitching.

your friend
Kareem oliver DaBeli

Dawn said...

Okay, you are braver than me because there is no way I would have hopped on those scales.

Having said that, I have loved following your vacation posts. You made me jealous and laugh hysterically at the same time.

I love your writing style and while I'm sorry about the 4lbs...I just had to laugh out loud and the way you wrote it.

heidi said...

Yeah, I'd say you left your libido sitting there on the scale. How the hell did he LOSE weight?! WTF is that all about?!