Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What if...

It's the beginning of the summer, and that means one thing...that the end of the summer is coming, and I'll be back in school soon.

My confidence is crumbling just a bit...which I'm sure is normal, and typical, and when I think about it, this is exactly what I felt when I started classes last summer.

So, I should be good, right?

But, what if...

What if I DON'T have what it takes to be a nurse.

What if I hate it.

What if I fail in "bedside manner" so horribly, that they never let me near patients again.

What if I get queasy during procedures, or cleaning out wounds.

What if I stick my foot in my mouth, and am cold and calloused when I should be warm and compassionate to a person dealing with the death of a loved one? Strike that...not what if I do that...what do I do WHEN I do those things?

What if I can't keep my shit together? Like, my literal shit. Wait, not my LITERAL, literal shit, like my feces...but, my shit. My schedule, my tests, my patients, their meds? Sometimes, I forget to brush my teeth in the morning (hence the root canal, I suppose) the hell can I hack this?

We start seeing patients 10 days into the Nursing Program. TEN DAYS...

What if I'm not ready?

What if, after all of this talk...I'm not ready?

I'm pretty good at putting my best foot forward, bullshitting when I don't have an answer, and giving one confidently when I do...but, will that cut it this time?

I can feel my feet getting cold, and it pisses me off more than anything!

What if I don't want a job?

There it is...there's the reason. All this bitching and moaning about, "what if I'm not good enough..." yada, yada, comes down to, What if I'm too lazy for a career?

I've gotten spoiled this year that I've taken off.

I sleep until 10 some days, 9 on most days, and only set an alarm on two, out of seven, days of the week. I don't wear a bra on some days, stay in my pajamas on most days...and very often, don't leave the house. NOT EVEN TO CHECK THE FUCKING MAIL!!!

It's crazy this life I'm leading. Why would I trade it for a career? Why would I give this up? I know, I know...there is that bit about being a nurse being a dream of mine, and all...and I'd hate to waste those freaking science classes, but, really? I got it pretty good over here.

This old SAHM gig got pretty cush when the kids were in school all the damn day!!

Alas, it is the summer. And the summer means one thing. THOSE FREAKING KIDS ARE GONNA BE HOME ALL DAY, AND THEY'RE GONNA HARSH MY MELLOW, MAN!!

I'd wager a bet, that by the end of this summer, I'll beating down the doors of the school, just for a break from the kids!!!


Helene said...

I'd wager anything that you'll be begging to start your classes early after just a few weeks home with the kiddos.

Seriously, I'm totally dreading the summer. I have a friend who's actually looking forward to the summer with all her kids home and I keep asking her to give me a hit of what she's smoking.

You know what, though, I have a feeling you'll do fine with nursing. A nurse with a sense of humor is always well loved and appreciated. The ones with bitter faces, walking around with a stick up their asses are the ones who totally suck. You have the amazing ability to make people laugh...that's rare and it will definitely help you get your foot in the door!

Kimmy said...

I'm looking forward to the summer with my kiddo! But then again, I only have one :o)

I understand the whole "spoiled" thing. It was so hard for me to work full weeks during tax season when I normally only work 3 day weeks. So nice!!

MX3 said...

I hear ya. Half the time I have to run into the laundry room for pants before I can even check to see when people are knocking on my door...and the other half of the time I can't even find pants, so I just throw on a robe.

I'm sure you'll be loving your time out of the house though, even if it means wearing a bra.

S.I.F. said...

You just cracked me up with that last bit!

I honestly think that you are going to be the most amazing nurse ever... and I think you will have exactly the bedside manner I prefer; sarcastic and not to serious! You are going to rock at this Nikki, just wait!

Erin said...

What if you don't go back to school and pursue this and end up regretting it for the rest of your life?
I think that would be harder to live with than possibly messing up once or twice.
What if you end up loving it and saving a few lives in the process? What a great payoff that would be!
I think you will be an amazing nurse! And think of all the good stories you will have to blog about!

Bridget said...

I think you're going to be great! Like you, though, I would have enjoyed staying home for a little while, too.

Lolidots said...

Dude, I KNOW I'm too lazy for anything other than this gig that allows me to sunbathe all day. Haha! It will take a lot of effort to not be the mom dropping the kid off at school in her pj's!

You know you're gonna rock it though. If I needed a nurse, I'd want one like you that would make me laugh so much I'd forget that I was in the shape to need a nurse!

Nikki B. said...

helene - your friend needs to lay off the crack!!!

kimmy - i don't know that i would look forward to a summer with one...maybe i did something wrong in raising my kids, but, after a couple of weeks of summer, my nerves are shot!!

mx3 - ME TOO! i'm always throwing a sweat shirt on to answer the door in the middle of the day...or late in the afternoon...whatever!!

SIF - thanks...and we shall see about all that!

erin - you're totally right... i know i have to do this...i'm just being a chicken shit!

bridget - oh i enjoyed it WAAAAAY too much. like 15 pounds too much!!

robin - thanks! dude...i don't wanna go to work. i know that's what it boils down to!!

Candi said...

I only want to work if I love it & that's what I plan on doing in the long run, but if I didn't love it & my choice was being a SAHM, I'd stay my butt at home, or else do something that I absolutely LOVE :)