Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What's that smell?

The other day, we were heading home from running some errands. The kids had been in the car for an hour, or so, and we pulled into the Jack in the Box for dinner.

Because it's delicious.

And more importantly, cheap.

As we circled behind the building to the drive through, and rolled the window down, we were hit with a smell. A seriously god-awful smell. We frantically rolled the windows up and down, trying to figure out, from which direction the stench was coming.

Was it coming from inside the car? Outside the car? Is it a dead body?

We assumed it was the dumpster, and that dumpster was FUN-KEE!! The kids were coughing, I was screaming, our eyes were watering, and we were laughing.

I cannot accurately describe the odor...but, it was gross. If they didn't have a Jumbo deal for like $3, and we didn't have, like, eight people to feed...we woulda left. It was THAT bad!!

As we pulled out of the drive through, the smell subsided, and we marked that particular Jack in the Box off the list of the fine dining establishments that we visit.

Fast forward a few days, and we were measuring the kids height. I commented that our normally perfectly stair stepped children, are not so stair stepped, as one of the boys has had a growth spurt.

We told Avery to take off his shoes, to level the playing field, to truly see the difference in their height. A few seconds later, the smell. Eerily similar to the putrid dumpster behind the Jack in the Box.

A recent incident with the bowels of my youngest child, prompted me to say, "Jack...DUDE!!! Did you poo yourself, again?? OH MY GOD! It's smells like poop."

Offended, Jack said, "UH...NOOOOOO! That's not me! I swear. My pants are clean. Look."

As I gasped for air, covered my mouth, held my breath, and writhed in nasal discomfort, I noticed that Avery was laughing...while the rest of the family seemed to be in pain.

He finally sputtered, "Sorry...it's my feet. It was my feet the other day at Jack in the Box, too. I took my shoes off in the car, but put them back on when y'all were freaking out!"

I kid you not, people, this smell was...not human. Like, ass crack would be cool and refreshing next to this smell.

In between belly laughs, Jake said, "IT SMELLS LIKE...IT SMELLS...LIKE...AN OLD, DIRTY, SWEATY...HASN'T SHOWERED EVER...DESERT BUTT."

I, myself, have never smelled 'desert butt,' but, if it can be compared to the stench that seeped out of the tarsals of my eldest child...I'll pass. No thank you. I'd rather die. And die, I might, because this "desert ass" smell, had launched olfactory jihad on my ass!!

It was so bad, that I actually became angry. Fighting mad. I believe that my body perceived the smell as a life or death threat, and I went into "fight or flight" mode.

I just started wildly screaming, in a voice I didn't recognize...

"OUT. OUT. OUT. OUT. DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN. GET THOSE SHOES OUT INTO THE GARAGE--NO, THROW THEM IN THE STREET, AWAY FROM THE HOUSE. NO WHERE NEAR THE HOUSE. THE SOCKS, TOO. OUT. AND DON'T EVER BRING THEM BACK INTO MY HOUSE AGAIN. OUT. SHOWER. GET IN THE SHOWER. NOW!!!"

Laughing uncontrollably, he complied to my demands.

I sprayed half a bottle of Febreeze, and retreated to the shower myself, to escape from the "desert ass" residue that was lingering.

If I ever smell that smell again...so help me God, we're amputating his feet!!

15 comments:

Jes said...

Oh, my goodness!!! That was hilarious!! Boys are so gross!!

Jess said...

When we were kids, my uncle came over to visit and he was convinced there was a sewage backup in our house that you could smell when you walked in the front door. After we searched for a while, we discovered that the smell was coming from my brother's shoes. So, I feel your pain. Hilarious and disgusting!

The Tattooed Mommy said...

We have the same problem at our house. It is also accompanied by the stench that results when after doing an entire week of the older man child's laundry I only fold TWO pair of underwear. Yeah we had a loooooong talk about that and not wanting to be the stinky kid at school. Sheeeesh you'd think by 6th grade they would have taught them that :) LOL

SupahMommy said...

Those might spontaneously combust! You better watch where you have him launch those or ol miss's whozzit across the street might be a goner!!

dead body funk ass feet

.. and he slipped his SHOES BACK ON ! AHHHHH


lmao

xoxoox
supah

This Daddy said...

Since I used to live in Houston, I couldn't take my focus off of Jack and the Crack (Box) I miss that place. The thinest tacos around

Bridget said...

HAHAHA! I feel your pain on that one! My 12 year old has big 'ol man feet and I sure miss the days when they were cute and chubby and and smelled so sweet!

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Ewwwwww....THAT IS TOO FUNNY!

Tessa said...

ahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahhaha. wow, that was funny.....and scary...i'm afraid for mine to go into puberty. boy feet STANK!

Kimmy said...

LMAO!!! Bad feet, yes...I know those too!

McMom said...

That's both hilarious and frightening at the same time. What's really funny is that he just slipped his shoes back on in the car and didn't say a word.

Choleesa said...

hahahaha, that is hilarious!!! My son has played football since 6th grade, and it is AMAZING the smells that a boy can emit from all orifices of his body,
I feel your pain sista.

Margaret said...

Boys are so gross!!!!!!!!! I hope I never have boys. I couldn't handle the smells

Nikki B. said...

jes - ridiculously gross!

jess - why is it boys?

tattooed - so glad i'm not alone, or raising a hygienically challenged kid!

supah - i know...his family almost died of exposure to the funk, and he just quietly slipped them back on.

this daddy - oh yeah...those tacos are the shiz-nit!

bridget - that's what i told him...i used to kiss your feet, kid. not anymore, i'd rather kiss a light socket!

tarah - you just wait. yours is coming!!

tessa - oh yeah...he hasn't even hit puberty yet. this is prepubescent funk!! we may have to make him live in a shed out back, if it gets worse during puberty!

mcmom - totally freak! i don't know how he can come close to his own shoes without vomiting!!

choleesa - oh man...i'm seriously terrified. his grown ass father doesn't even smell that bad! and i've got little brother right behind him! yikes!

margaret - and they're so proud of those effing smells, too! that's something else that is baffling!

Melinda Arnold said...

Beth's boyfriends feet smell like cat pee. At first I was polite and would febreze his shoes when he wasn't looking. Then they were moved to the mudroom. Now I just tell him to keep his cat pee shoes outside and complain to his mother about the smell of his feet.

Candi said...

OMG, my kids think I am so crazy when I read your blogs, but I cannot help but seriously LAUGH OUT LOUD!!