Thursday, January 7, 2010

On cotton candy and tube socks...

To the detriment of my children's psyche, it has happened, that Jake and I have been "walked in on" while doing...our laundry. So, we've learned, to wait until the kids are sleeping soundly, and always make sure the...laundry room...door is locked.

Sometimes, it seems, that's not enough...

The other day, while doing...our laundry, we heard a faint sound.

**I should note that Jake talked me into watching "Paranormal Activity" with him recently, and these days, I'm a little jumpy. Every little sound, every shadow, every little thing that goes bump in the night...SCARES THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF ME! It took me six years to recover from watching "The Ring"...I don't plan on sleeping any time in the next decade. Anyway, back to the...laundry...**

A sound...

"Honey, WTF was that? Jesus, did you hear it? Go check it out."

"Relax, babe, I'm sure it was the dog, or a kid. Did you lock the door?"

"Yes, I locked the door...but..."

We continue...folding socks...

Another noise, this time louder, and closer, and the noise had a shadow...

"HONEY! DUDE, LOOK! Someone's at the door. I'm scared."

Laughing at me, just a little, Jake said, "Jesus...it's probably Jack. Nikki, go put him back to bed."

"Uh-uh, fucker...I'm scared. Probably Jack? That means there's a chance it's not. I'm not going out there. You made me watch that movie with you...and I told you that you'd have to do middle of the night stuff. You go. No. WAIT. Don't go. I'm scared. There's still a shadow...look."

Without opening the door, Jake said sternly, "Jack..."

Nothing...

Again, "JACK!"

Still...nothing. But, the shadow remained.

**Jack would've answered us. It's a demon. I just know it's a demon, and I'm scared. And it's dark. And all my clothes are...in the laundry, so I'm vulnerable.**

Jake said sternly, this time at me, "Nikki, just open the door! I'm sure it's Jack. Chill the fuck out, and open the door."

We collected ourselves I collected myself, and moved toward the door. Like a big, big, pansy...I held my breath, clenched my jaw, and as if preparing for my soul to be sucked out of my esophagus, I braced myself.

I slung the door open, and the source of the shadow was revealed...

A small tub of cotton candy. And a pair of tube socks.

I gasped.

Jake laughed.

I yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK?! This is just like in the movies. Ghosts are always moving shit around in people's houses!! DID YOU LEAVE THAT THERE?" I didn't wait for him to answer. I continued, "NO. YOU DIDN'T. WELL NEITHER DID I!"

After a brief pause, I pressed on, "And if it is Jack...and he is up...and he did put this stuff here...WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO THAT? What's wrong with him?! Is he just fucking with us? What in the hell?"

Jake thought the whole thing was hilarious, and as the surge of adrenaline subsided in my veins, I began to see the humor in it.

I mean, after all, if it was a demon...that's pretty fucking funny. That our demon has a good sense of humor. Some demons leave shit like the severed head of a horse, or a goat...or a fucking human...but, ours leaves cotton candy. And tube socks.

I went to Jack's room, and there he sat, wide-eyed, in the dark.

"Dude. What were you doing?"

"I can't sleep."

"Well...what's with the cotton candy?"

"I was just bringing it to you. I thought you might like it."

Even more confused than ever, I said, "Oh. Well. I do like cotton candy. Thanks. But. Uh. Not this late at night. You're supposed to be asleep. Now close your eyes, and sleep, kid. G'night."

Satisfied with the explanation, I left.

I didn't really care to ask about the socks.

14 comments:

heidi said...

Your stories are the BEST! LOL

Bridget said...

LOL!!! This is the funniest thing I have heard all day!

Melissa said...

Thanks for the laugh Nikki! Your an awesome story teller!

Tessa said...

ahahahaha. I guess Is should start locking our bedroom door. We are mid-remodel (with no prospects of finishing up anytime soon) and our boys' room is RIGHT next to ours. Our eldest is 9. Thanks for the reminder. lol.

Jes said...

Oh, my goodness!! Door locks are a must! I am like you, I am paranoid of the house noises. I am a scardy cat. I am still curious why Jack didn't answer you :) Love reading your stories, they always have me on the edge of my seat. You should look into having all your blog posts printed in a book. I have friends who have done it. Sounds cool.

SassyMomma said...

Oh holy hell! That was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!! My boy's are 4 and 2. I know my day is coming soon, when someone leaves cotton candy and tube socks at my door while doing the laundry with my husband. LOL!!

This Daddy said...

So I need to get my wife in the laundry room. Yeah

Margaret said...

LOL I loved this story!

Stacey said...

This was a great story!
Maybe he actually wanted the cotton candy, but he was stunned when he got to the door to ask you, and he realized you were doing the laundry!

Tatman said...

The socks make perfect sense. You were doing laundry.

Lolidots said...

Laughing my ass off. You are freakin hilarious. Can I live with you for a week? Just for a good week's worth of stories!

Shannon said...

That is hilarious, but just one thing... it's mafia guys who leave severed horse heads in your bed. So, I mean, unless you're a Soprano or a Gotti, I think you're safe on that one. ;)

Heidi said...

Peeing my pants right now. I hate it when I laugh out loud in an empty house and no one to turn to to tell them what funny $hit that just was. Damn it! Folding socks. baaahhhhaaaaaa!!!! Wish I could have caught up with you guys at the NYE party. Maybe next year.

Rassles said...

I like...just got over that movie. Like last week. Now the fear is back. Fuck you, mama. So. Mad.

(Also? Hilare)