Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A tough question...

I usually don't mind meeting new people. I like to talk...I like to listen...so, it's usually a good time.


The inevitable question. Just the anticipation of this question makes me a little uncomfortable in my own skin.

THE question...

"So....how many kids do you have?"

How do I hate this question? Let me count the ways!!

The absolute WORST part of having a dead kid...is this fucking question!! My mind starts reeling, so many things going through my head...

Three, or four...three or four...what do i say? Three? Or, four?

Am I ever gonna see this person again?

Do I WANT to see this person again?

If I say three, what if they ask a follow-up question and I have to tell them the whole story. Then I have to back track, and look like a dumbass.

Plus, it's a long story...do they even want to hear it?

I've HAD four kids. I should say four...I'm not uncomfortable talking about my boy.

Oh, but, THEY might be uncomfortable talking about my dead kid.

It'll make them all weird, and awkward...then, they'll feel like an asshole. Even though, I don't think they're an asshole. They still might feel like an asshole.

Then, I'll feel the need to comfort them, like,
"Yeah, he's dead, but it's okay."

When really, it's NOT OKAY...and why the hell do I feel the need to comfort THEM.

Fuck it, it's not worth it...I'll just say three. Technically, they asked,
"How many kids do you HAVE?" Presently, I only HAVE three kids. So, I should just say three.

But, the kids are with me. What if they chime in with,
"Uh-Uh, Mom...you have four kids. Us and Joey. Joey's dead." Then, more back tracking...UGH!

All of this is happening in a matter of seconds, in my head. This question hurts, and I never know what I'm gonna say until I hear myself say it.

So, help a sista out!! How do I answer this question?

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