Thursday, July 2, 2009

The big one...

The oldest child is an unfortunate one.

He must survive all the fuckups I make along my journey through the Mother-Hood. He's the first to hit each milestone and each new challenge. They are foreign to me, they're new, something to master. By the time the baby of the family gets to the same point, we'll have it figured out.

Not so for the oldest. He's the prototype.

It sucks to be him.

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When he was born I was psycho. I was anal and scared...and didn't know what to do with a kid that you didn't have to "plug in".

He cried all the time.

I did, too.

I breastfed him for only three months because he cried so much. I needed a break. I needed Jake to be able to feed the kid a bottle so that I could try to find my sanity.

I remember putting my screaming four month old in his crib, shutting his door, and retreating to the shower. I would blare my music, hoping it would drown out the cries of that little boy.

I did it more than once.

He never slept. He cried all through the night.

I would stress out thinking that I was doing something wrong...that I wasn't meeting his needs. He was the only one...all I did was tend to his needs.

Any time we put him in the car, he would scream. Not just any scream...a scream that pierced deep into your nerves. A scream that hurt.

We didn't go many places with that boy.

He cried ALL.THE.FUCKING.TIME.

He cried when he ate, when he slept, and when he played. When he learned to crawl, he cried with every movement of his legs and arms.

Then, when he was ten months old, he crawled and cried to the coffee table, pulled his chubby little self up to a stand...and he walked.

He didn't cry when he walked. In fact, from that day forward, he didn't cry much at all.

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Now that I know the kid, and know his personality, I think he was in a hurry. I honestly think that that little fucker didn't like being a baby. I think he wanted to grow up. I think he wanted more. I think he might have been a man trapped inside the body of a helpless little thing.

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He's still like that. Always rushing through today to get to tomorrow. The poor kid...he's EXACTLY like me. He wants nothing more than to be just like his dad. He'll have to settle for being a better version of his mom.

Avery tries me, and challenges me, and fights me, and gets on my fucking nerves. But, he amazes me, and he impresses me, and though I will never tell him that he does so, he teaches me.

If we can make it through his childhood and adolescence...he will become one helluva man.

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ONE HELL OF A FUCKING MAN!!

11 comments:

Kameron said...

Natey sounds very similiar. If he wasn't being walked around or on my boob he was crying. It didn't last 10 months {THANK GOD!}, but car rides were hell. Needless to say we didn't take many of them in the early days. He is still on the go all of the time. Getting into everything, pushing my limits and I don't see it slowing down any time soon. We'll make it, and if we don't kill 'em first, they will too!

hsdiva said...

My daughter was just like that, but thank God it only lasted about three months. But the incessant screaming drove me up the ever loving wall. She still pushes all my buttons, but at the same time she is an incredibly sweet and thoughtful child. They are amazing little creatures, aren't they? And we're so blessed to be on this journey with them. How we managed to get to be parents is anyone's guess, but what a great ride it is!

Awesome post, Nikki!

Heidi said...

LOVE IT!!!! The way you said it, the honesty of it, the pics.... Freaking perfect post my friend.

Tim said...

Great post! Very much a tribute to you son! He will love this when he is older.

I just gotta know though, were the heck is your vlogmeos?

Bubbles

Jes said...

I love the pics of him from when he was little! So sorry he cried so much! Doesn't sound fun. Makes you wonder why we still have more kids after childbirth and listening to a crying baby for 10 months?! Love the post!

Sue said...

Found your blog and LOVE it! Found it through McMamas narrow minded blog "My Charming Kids". Sorry if I offend you (NOT my intent) but that woman is a hypocrite. Anyhoo I wanted you to know I also love your photography! kEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND i WILL BE BACK TO READ YOUR POSTS! (sorry caps got stuck).

Sue

Sue said...

I just realized you are a nurse too. What department? Sorry to keep stalking you, but your blog is so refreshing!

Sue

Melissa said...

Great post for the little man...love the pic's!

Catherine said...

Love the post! My daughter cried the first year and half unles she was in her snowsuit with the hood up. It started at 2 months old. She wore it every day, slept in it every night and wore it out even on the hottest days of summer. We had two - one to wash and one to wear. She was a pain in the ass, but it was hilarious that she would get in the snowsuit and fall asleep in 30 seconds. She even learned to walk in it.

Alicia W. said...

You are fucking fabulous and I love this post! So real, open and honest. No wonder I can't get enough of your posts. Keep um comin girlfriend.

The Chappell Family Blog! said...

I absolutely LOVE your honesty! Not many people will share these feelings...all they share is all the super sweet perfect crap (which we all know doesn't happen 100 % of the time!)