Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Ants marching...

My cousin has a brain tumor.

It's wrapped around his auditory nerve, and he lost his hearing in his left ear.

He's an evangelist.

He's a singer.

It sucks.

He doesn't deserve that.

They don't think it's cancer, and he's having surgery in a week.

My brother's 12 year old daughter is autistic.

His family just visited us for the holidays for the first time in...I don't even remember how long...because her behavior was too bad for them to travel with her.

He and his wife have been pushed to every emotional, psychological, and physical ledge, that a person could imagine. And some that you couldn't even fathom.

It's not fair.

He doesn't deserve that.

When Joey died, I liked to tell myself that there was some lesson to be learned. That it happened for a reason. I used to find comfort in that. Comforted by the idea of a greater good...a higher purpose...a destiny.

However, standing at this point in my life...having had a few more life experiences...I don't think that's true anymore.

I hear people say all the time..."It's God's will." Or, "God has a plan."

Bullshit...

Applying that theory to my cousin, and my brother's life...and even my own...that would make God cruel. To cause, or allow the suffering of one person, to teach a lesson to another? WTF?

The more I think about God...the more I tend to agree that he is just a kid with an ant farm.

I actually find this thought much more comforting.

9 comments:

Kameron said...

I'm sorry to hear about your family. Life is not fair, and it sucks. Since I have lost my mom, and my dad is an ass who doesn't take care of himself and will probably die in the next 5 years because of it, I think that the wrong parent was taken from me. It's a shitty thought, but it is how I feel. :o(

Stacey said...

Sorry to hear about all this. Wow! I don't know quite what to say about this?? Having lost my mom a couple years ago, I totally understand what your feeling. I was pretty mad at god....Sometimes still am.

hsdiva said...

Nikki, I'm with you. I can't for the life of me understand a God that can take children from their parents, or cause kids (or adults for that matter) to suffer with cancer or other devastating illnesses. I'm very sorry for what your family members are going through. I will keep them in my thoughts. (I won't say prayers because I don't say them . . . anymore.)

Anonymous said...
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Kaolinmommy said...

Hey girl.

First of all, WHAT is that previous comment? Of all the ridiculous places they could comment- it happens to be a serious, painful post. Stupid spam.

Secondly, I understand those questions. I ask them from time to time too. It's ok. But I've come to look at it (most of the time) a little differently. I'm not going to get all preachy, but just know that if you ever want to talk (e-mail) about it, I'm here. And I promise that I DON'T claim to have all the answers, just some thoughts to add to the mix.

Anemone Pie said...

First, I'm so very sorry about your cousin and all of the pain you spoke of. Second, who knows what the truth is...we all just have to find where out comfort level is and go with it. If "ant farm" is yours, so be it. It's good.

Tessa said...

It's definitely alot easier to say that it's "God's will" when we are not in the position of suffering. I honestly don't know if I could say that if I was experiencing any of these issues, but my hope is that I could. Life is not fair and it scares the shit out of me. I get comfort from believing that we come into this world with lessons our soul needs, but man....it's SCARY and UNFAIR. We have no choice but to live in a world full of beauty and suffering and we have to find that balance where we can experience both. Sending love your way.

Deb in MD said...

Nikki - I'm so sorry to hear about this going on with your family. Just know I am thinking of you

Tatman said...

Amen!