Friday, December 18, 2009

Between a rock and a hard place...

He would've been TWELVE today!!


A sixth grader...approaching Junior High.

A pre-teen.

It's hard to believe.

On this day, I always think about what life would've been like if my boy were still here. There is that big part of me that longs to have him with me, to make me whole again.

Each time these thoughts run through my head, I'm forced to realize that, if he were still here...there are three little people in the other room, who wouldn't be here. Our lives would've been consumed with taking care of Joey's medical needs, and there likely wouldn't have been time for Avery, Lily, or Jack.

It leaves me wishing that my Joey were still here...but, at the same time, grateful for the amazing life I have, because he's not.

THAT'S some fucked up shit!


Tessa said...'s not "fucked up" you are just touching both the grief and beauty in your situation. It's important to recognize both sides and feel them both. Life is full of both and it's the beauty, the silver lining, that get's us through in this fucked up world!
thoughts to you on this day.

Michelle said...

Praying for you. I agree with Tessa, its grief and beauty. And a balance of both. I admire how you keep that in mind.

Ginny said...

Big hugs, Nikki, as always, but especially today.

Bridget said...

Thinking of you today and sending you hugs!!

Brooke said...

It's completley understandable.

Sue said...


Wow! 12 years old! Holy smokers. Sorry I am a day late. Thinking of you.


Katie said...

I'm not sure what to say to you. Besides that I am so glad that even in the face of the worst pain imaginable, you found a way to survive and not only survive, but have a fantastic life for not only you, but your children and husband.

And thats for sure the best thing you can do to honor him and his memory!

Kaolinmommy said...

Thanks for your honesty and your beautiful strength & resilience. All that you & your little guy went through, that WAS effed up. But going on with your life, sharing yourself with three other kiddos, doing the best you can and trying to make sense of it all? Nah.

Lots of respect & prayers from this mommy to you!

Kimmy said...

Awww...I see where you're coming from though. I agree with Tessa though. Grief and beauty all in one. Thinking of you.

Deb said...

I'm sorry - just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

heidi said...

Ever eloquent in your profanity. ;-)

It takes amazing strength to be the person you are, Nikki, and go through the things you have.

Summertime said...

Nikki, I just cried my eyes out for your loss! I loved your video of Joey's life! This is the best, most touching story of loss and beauty. It is so true of life in general! Thank you for sharing it with us! I'm going to embrace the fact that life is bittersweet by nature. Up until now I've been bitching about that. Maybe I shouldn't be so disappointed. Without the salt we wouldn't appreciate the sweet, right? I can't say thank you enough! I'm going to shut the hell up and get on with my life now! Many thanks to you and sweet Joey for snapping me out of it! I hope a can pay it forward and do the same for someone else!
Summer Fallen Nichols