Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Vote now for the Shittiest Mom of the Year 2008!

This post is rated R...for strong sexual content.

Avery, my 9 year old, was playing outside yesterday with his buddy down the street...all was well. He then comes running in looking a little guilty, I didn't think much of it, and plops down on the couch and sits in front of a black tv screen...now I know he's guilty. The kid cannot lie to save his life!!! He has been cursed with an honesty gene...it does make it easy on me when my 3 start pointing fingers at each other when someone does something wrong. Avery cannot tell a lie.

Anyway, lo and behold, the doorbell rings...GASP! It's 4 little girls from down the street who range in age from about 10-13. They are soaking wet and muddy and have been playing in the rain and in mud puddles. They tell me..."Um, Ms. Bullock (damn I'm old), um, Avery and John (his name has been changed to protect him since he's a minor child), well, they were being mean, then John called us dumb asses and told us to..." here comes the R rated part..."he told us to suck each other's, well, these parts (she motions toward her flat chest where breasts will later be)". WTF!!! What do two little boys ages 7 and 9 know about girls sucking each other's boobs??!!??

Oh man...does the shit hit the fan!! I take a second to calm down so I don't rip all his hair out, out of anger. I confront him...he is still in front of the blank tv screen and his eyes are as big as golf balls. I give him a chance to tell me what he did wrong...but, he says, "I can't tell you, because it's a bad word and if I say it to you, I'll get in trouble." Now, this "playing dumb and innocent" actually works in his favor, because it reminds me that he is a very frightened little boy who is about to be tarred and feathered and he knows it!

I'll skip all the back and forth..."Tell me what you said!"..."No, I'm scared"..."You should be scared."..."Waaaaaaaaa"..etc, etc.... I send him to his room to wait for his punishment. I have found that this is one of the most effective punishments I can give my children. Sending them to their room to wait and wonder what in the hell I'm going to do to them. From what I can tell, it's torture.

I decide that first, and foremost, I should wash his mouth out with soap. I cut a 9 year old mouth-sized piece from the bar of soap and sit him on the tile, in case he pukes, to take his punishment. I tell him I want to see teeth marks in the soap. I sit him down, shove the soap in his mouth. I go to finish up dinner while he's washing up! I leave him there for about 15 minutes...he's gagging, and drooling and fidgeting, and moaning...I have him facing the wall and I ignore it all. Dinner is done and I go to remove the soap and tell Avery to go brush his teeth and get ready for dinner. His shirt is soaked from drool and he's sudsing at the mouth. He sits down to dinner, but won't eat because it's too hot. He pokes around at his food, then goes to bed.

I go to tell him goodnight and this picture is what I find. I don't know if it was just irritation, a chemical burn, an allergic reaction, or what...but, it looks awful and I almost...almost...felt sorry for him. Out of a mother's compassion...and guilt...I gave him a benadryl and some A&D ointment and kiss him goodnight.

Now...in my defense...we have these 3 teenage boys who live near us, who think it's funny and fun to teach the little kids these very adult words and phrases. Avery explained to me that that kid told them about the "sucking boobs" thing and "dumbass"...and John is a little bit mean and was saying this stuff to the girls and Avery kind of chimed in. I do believe Avery on this...he really can't lie...but, as a mom, I DO NOT want to believe that my child would come up with something like that...so I might be delusional. Regardless...Avery is grounded for a week.
So, men...ya'll are perverts and it starts at a VERY, VERY young age. I guess seeing the girls in a juvenile "wet t-shirt contest"...was too much for the boys and the fantasy of girl on girl action that is engrained in their DNA boiled to the surface WAY before I thought I would ever have to worry about that stuff. SERENITY NOW!


Heidi said...

Shut up! You are supermom for not giving in. I would have laughed my head off & totally given in. (But I have 1 year old, not a 9 year old.) Although I am sure he will pull TONS of stuff in his time. So glad you found me. You have a great writing style.

Kel said...

OMG! I will die if and when something like that happens with Klayton. YOu did better than I would have because honestly I would not know what to do! You are a GREAT mom, don't ever doubt yourself. Keep up the good work and hopefully Avery has learned his lesson, poor kid, not that I think you shouldn't have done everything you did!

Kameron said...

That punishmnet so works. My grandma used to use shaving cream with me and my brother. The best punishment I can remember getting was when I was in 3rd grade when I flipped off the boy next door. My mom made me sit in the mirror and flip myself off for 30 minutes to show me how stupid I looked, and if I laughed my time started over. I was there for a while!