Sunday, January 9, 2011

Love, true love, and marriage...

Mawage is wut bwings us togedder toooday...

Photo from here.

I was talking to the fiance of a good friend last night on the subject of marriage.

My marriage happens to be the thing I'm most proud of in my life, so I'm always happy to discuss the subject.

Jake and I have a great marriage.  We just do.  We set it up that way, and neither he, nor I would have it any other way.  We have an amazing understanding of one another.  I have patience for him, where I don't have it for other people in my life.  Respect and communication are paramount in our interactions and the basis of our relationship.

The bottom line of our marriage...we'd just rather be happy.  We'd rather laugh than fight.  We'd rather snuggle than give each other the cold shoulder.  And we'd rather use our tongues for kissing, rather than lashing each other with them.

And truthfully, neither one of us considers it work...and wouldn't dream of considering it "hard work," to make these choices.

Last week, I was involved in a discussion on another blog about whether or not, marriage is "hard work."  I tried to explain to the droves of women claiming that marriage was "really, really hard work," that it didn't always have to be.  I just wanted people to know that a person's marriage doesn't have to become the overused cliche, "the old ball and chain."  It doesn't have to be a battleground.  It shouldn't be a battleground, it should be a refuge.

I explained that I love and respect my husband more than any person in the entire world, and that I wanted nothing more than for him to be happy.  That he is the most amazing man I know...and he deserves all the happiness in the world.  Not only that, but, it's my privilege to be able to contribute to his happiness on a daily basis.  

And I know for a fact, that Jake feels the same way.

Are you nauseous?

Do you believe me?

You should.

But, the people I was discussing the subject on this popular blog and forum didn't believe me.  They called me a liar.  They called me delusional.  They said I was too blind to see that my marriage wasn't really all that I thought it was.  They said if my marriage was all that I said it was...then, it must be so boring to be me.  And my personal person said that I must not have had tough life experiences that have challenged my marriage.  That marriages are easy when life is easy...that I should just wait.  That one day my life would get tough and my marriage would get miserable.


That one was a good one.

At first these comments really bugged me.  I let them under my skin.  But, then, I realized these comments had nothing to do with their opinion of me...just what they were frustrated with in their own marriages.

I'm okay with that.

Because last night, the fiance of a good friend of mine, asked my advice, and sought out my insight on marriage.  She said she can see what a beautiful marriage that Jake and I have, and she wanted my opinions on some things.

It was seriously the highest compliment I have ever been paid.  It felt wonderful, and it made it totally worth putting up with the harsh words I received last week, online.

And really, I don't say these things about my marriage to toot my own horn, to brag, or to boast...I just know how safe and wonderful, and peaceful I feel in my marriage.  With my husband.  And everyone deserves the same.

And I'm really glad that my good friend and his fiance seem to have found it for themselves, too.


theagnosticswife said...

I totally agree! My husband and I have a good marriage as well and for the same reason's you have mentioned. Our marriage has never been hard work. Sure we go through phases were I would like to knock him on his head or we don't agree on something, but never is it hard work.

Good for you for not only understanding how to have a happy marriage but for standing up for it as well.

Kate said...

Thank you for sharing!

S.I.F. said...

All I can say lady, is that if I ever get married - I hope it is exactly what you describe.

Melinda said...

In my case marriage is better the second time around...and I know what you mean, anyone in a bad marriage doesn't 'get it'.

Recently with the hubs at an event, a young wife, 2 young children, husband cheating (which she knows about) is smugly telling the hubs and I about how marriage is hard work and we 'gave up' on our first marriages. She said, 'marriage is supposed to be hard work' and I said, 'but it's not supposed to make you cry' The look on her face said it all.

On another front...many months ago when I started reading your blog Jake left you a note and referred to you as 'lucious'. That stuck with me as a symbol of who you guys are.

Jes said...

You guys are lucky, it's so rare to know a couple that fits together so well. I haven't had the same experience in my marriage, and for me it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I sometimes wonder though, if we hadn't married so young and waited till he was older than 25, if things would have been easier, but you guys have sort of a similar story that we do. I totally think it depends on maturity, and total understanding of your spouses needs and your willingness to meet those needs even if yours haven't been met, and that is so hard for me. Wish marriage didn't have to be so hard. I definitely agree that you should be proud of your marriage, maybe you can share with us all your secret to an easy marriage bc most couples aren't as lucky as you and Jake.

Kimmy said...

Paul and I have just one issue that we argue about (unfortunately it gets bad too) but that is it and when we're not arguing about it, we have a FABulous marriage!!! My friends even say how they see the love between the two of us. We have so much in common, we finish each others sentencings, love to do the same things and he even said recently how much he loves me....after 17 years and that felt so good to hear he still feels that way about me after all these years. And I feel the same about him too!

It's possible for people to have that wonderful marriage and no it doesn't have to be boring. These people just haven't found their "one" and it's so sad!

I am so happy for both you and Jake and it's wonderful to see marriages like yours (and mine) do exist!!

Candi said...

You are so right about so many things. For most people though it's more important to be right & to get THEIR OWN point across that they don't care if they're happy or not. Recently I head someone say "I'd rather be happy than be right" & it really impacted me & made me think about my own marriage b/c I am one of those people that always wants to be right and unfortunately my husband is very similar & we have wasted a lot of years that way. I think too that people don't talk about their expectations before they get married, which is a huge mistake. My vision of marriage can be totally opposite from my mate's but if you never talk about it before hand then it becomes one big, not so great surprise. My marriage has definitely been "hard work" but that's because it was my choice to stay in it, but I KNOW that marriage is NOT supposed to be the way mine has been. I can see the love you & Jake have from reading your blogs and unfortunately I have to say you do have something special (not unfortunate for you, just unfortunate that most people DON'T have that). So forget what those bitter people think, they are sadly mistaken when it comes to marriage, you got it right, so keep on keeping on. Maybe you could start a marriage advice blog :) Hey btw, do you have a FB?

Chris M. said...

She appreciated the insight on saturday night. The formal wedding plans are cancelled and we are going to proceed with just getting hitched by the J.O.P. And if you are serious about taking our pics in a tux and dress at the courthouse, then let me know because we are pretty serious about doing it. We will keep you and jake up to date when we solidify our new plan, which will probably happen in mid to late march. We plan on following up our honeymoon with a reception party.

Kameron said...

People are straight up haters!! I don't think a marraige goes through anything more difficult than the death of a child! You keep on being happy and hopefully all those jealous b$#@%$s figure it out someday!