Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Heartless...

This probably isn't the coldest story ever told, but it is graphic, and gross, and inhumane, in some cultures unethical, sad, bloody, and someone dies at the end. And it's about rats. Not our well loved and missed Marly *pour one for muh homie* but, wild rats. And you've seen how we treat rats around here. We're ruthless. RA-HU.THLESS!

You've been warned...

I prefer any rats that I encounter, to be without a pulse! It's the only thing that will stop the scurrying.

Truthfully, I'm even afraid of dead mice. Ya know...on the off chance that Jesus decides to perform that miracle I've been asking for, and he resurrects the damned thing, bringing the bugger's scurry back! Totally irrational fear. I know. I'm working on it. My therapist thinks we're close.

We have every intention of being humane...and do our best, but, for some reason, our methods of terminating the rats, usually end with it dying a slow, miserable, painful death.

This rat was GINORMOUS, and was sitting by our back sliding door, teasing the dog. Tucker was going insane. As was I. For the sake of our emotional and psychological stability, the rat had to die.

We knew from past experience, that the airsoft guns couldn't handle a job this big. It could barely handle a tiny little run of the mill mouse. This mofo was GINORMOUS!

I'm totally not exaggerating. From his head, to the tip of his tail, was probably about 10 inches! And I'm not talking about what Jake would call 10 inches. Uh-uh. I'm talking about a REAL. TEN. INCHES.

We decided on the BB gun, for a quick, painless kill, in order to be more humane to the furry little bastard who, in my book, the world could do without. I know. I know. The circle of life, and all that jazz...

My brave husband laid on the patio and saw the rat underneath the grill. He had the shot. He aimed. He fired. In an instant, the BB shot out of the gun, hit it's target, bounced off the patio, shot right back at us, in front of Jake's face, and hit our inflatable hot tub. Yes. We have an inflatable hot tub. And it's awesome!

I temporarily forgot about the rat, and was deeply concerned about my hot tub. I was yelling at Jake, "Holy Shit, we forgot about the tub. You better not have popped a hole in my tub!" Jake says, "Oh shit! Damn, we did not think about that."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

The dog was going BATSHIT CRAZY, as was the writhing, flopping, profusely bleeding, rat, with a GSW to the head. Blood was flying, as the dog grabbed the rat. I freaked out, "DO RATS CARRY RABIES. TUCKER IS DUE FOR A RABIES SHOT. WHAT IF HE GETS RABIES? IF HE GETS RABIES WE HAVE TO KILL HIM." Jake was yelling at me, and with me, "NIKKI, WILL YOU CHILL!! TUCKER, DROP IT. DROP IT." Like a good dog, he relinquished the rat and ran for the back door. He was terrified, and shaking. As was I.

We watched the thing flop for a few more seconds, Tucker and I from inside the house, Jake and the rat on the outside. Then, like a whisper, he went to be with the lord. Alright, so, it was more like a blood curdling shriek of agony and despair...but, he's nowhere near my effing house at peace now, that's all that matters.

This is Jake, and his kill...

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This is the evidence...

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He was DOA, and forensics have shown that upon the bullet's entry, the rat's head went back, and to the left.

21 comments:

Jes said...

That is hilarious!!! I love the chalk outline! I was wondering when the mice were going to start coming in. We haven't seen any yet, but I'm sure it won't be long. :)

Melinda Arnold said...

lol, I don't know, 10 inches? Are you sure it was a rat? Looked like a hamster. How are you with snakes?

Bridget said...

Holy cow, that was hilarious!!!! I hate mice and rats and anything else that scurries..eeeeew!

Heidi said...

You totally lost me at the 10 inches! Funny shit Nikki! We have a cat & the only damn thing it's good for is getting the mice. No rats, just small field mice, because you know we live in freakin' cornfield USA.

Allie said...

OMG! I have a love hate relationship with this post. I love the way you tell a story, but H--A--T--E the mice, rat, hamster, ferret family of creatures. And hate that they are in my 'hood. ICK. I have a great exterminator if you'd like their #. It would at least keep your inflatable hot tub safe!

Stacey said...

Holy cow, thats a lot of blood! That story was hilarious, but I don't feel sorry for the rat one bit! Yuck!

won said...

EWWWW!!!

Can I just leave it at that?

Mama SeWELL said...

The airsoft woudnt do the job so he had to pull out the big guns...haha! and by the looks of things it worked. Tell Jake he cant go hunting in flip flops, while hunting big game one should always wear closed toed shoes.
I love reading your stories, you are a riot!

Deb in MD said...

You flipping hilarious! CSI Nikki - get a contract - NOW!

Plus, I'm now a follower:)

Ginny said...

First, you crack me the hell up.

Second, AAAAHHH!!! I'm totally rodent phobic and I had to take 3 shots at reading this, because I kept getting freaked out.

Third, I'm not bragging (but I totally am) this province I live in (Alberta) is (I believe) the only rat-free jurisdiction in North America. We actually have a Rat Patrol. I'm not even kidding. And thus, I can never move out of the province.

Tim said...

Hilarious as always. Nice shot Jakers!

Miss ya,

will be back to blogdom soon.

Bubbs

justjaime31 said...

HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Dawn said...

I'm with you on the hating mice and rats but I'll have to admit that I was lauging so hard at your post that I think The Bossman thought I had lost my mind.

Melissa said...

rofl! That was a great story!

Thanks for visiting my blog. I was coming on here to comment on how my dog likes to also try to get in the dishwasher. When your blog came up, I realized that we have THE EXACT SAME DOG! Which really and irrationally excited me to no end because I'm a SAHM and it's the little things that bring excitement into my life and I love me some dachshund - especially cute little brown ones!! ANYWHO. . .

Your story is HI-larious, and I love the pictures especially the crime scene one.

~~Mel~~ said...

Is your hot tub okay? That's what I'm most concerned about! lol.

momma23 said...

OMG, this was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh on this Friday! I love the shot numbering. Thankful that everyone important made it out unscathed.

Kameron said...

You are sick, twisted, and I fuckin love you!

heidi said...

That is nasty.

And funny.

And gross.

The end.

Rassles said...

Oh my god, that poor rat. You heartless bitch. We are so in a fight right now, because I'm like in peta and stuff.

(no, I'm not.)

heidi said...

Pssssssssst! I saw this today and thought of you and Jake.

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/111709/this-isnt-cops.gif

Mind Of Mindi said...

bahahahahhhahahhhhhhhhhh LOVE the outline!!