Ponch…

And you can’t haaaave none!

“They don’t hear their mother calling them but they hear that motherfucking ice cream truck from ten blocks away!” – Eddie Murphy

 

First ya take ya laces…

A few of you guys asked for the link to the video we watched.  Here it is…

This video was moreso, a trip down memory lane, than effective shoe-tying instruction.  Not to mention, a tad creepy.  The little girl looks like she’s being held at gunpoint, to film this bit!!  Or possibly drugged.  Maybe a little bit of both!

After the video, we noticed that Jack was having trouble with the hand switching part of tying your laces.  Gotta give it to him, it IS a little tricky.  So, Jake came up with a way to teach Jack, that got us around the hand switching.  It was brilliant…Jack picked it up, right away! 

So, tonight, I’m gonna make a new video, of Jack tying his shoes, maybe that will help some of your little guys out!  And ultimately, help you out!  So you’re no longer the lazy mom, like me, sending her kid to 1st grade in velcro, because, it just SUCH a pain in the ass to teach kids to tie their laces!! 

Rest assured that there will be no muppets in our video…no children will be forced to participate, against their will…wait.  I can’t promise that…nevermind.  I can promise that I won’t be singing atrociously.  Which means, I won’t be singing, period, because when I do sing, it’s atrocious! 

A made man…

has to be able to tie his own shoes!

 

All of my other kids were taught before they started kindergarten.  It was a house rule.  You had to learn to tie your own shoes, before you started school. 

It’s totally true that the baby of the family is spoiled, coddled, and has his own set of rules.  Because only after my friend’s not yet five year old daughter was doted on by her mother, on facebook, for tying her own shoes, did I realize that I’d forgotten to teach Jack how to tie his! 

So, we searched youtube, found a video, and all sat and watched (because without cable, youtube videos, with muppets, tying shoes, is seriously freaking entertaining), as Jack soaked in a little knowledge, that was long overdue. 

We all rooted him on, and erupted into applause, when after just a few minutes, and a few tweaks to the muppet’s technique, he was a shoe tier. 

It’s about damn time!!

Men...

If there is a god, and I get to stand before him on judgment day (you know, before he casts me into hell for all eternity), I've got a question for him.

Why did he give men the mega metabolisms, since it's us women who gestate the children. We stretch out, puff up, get beat up from the inside out, and literally sucked dry when nursing our young. Why didn't he give us cool metabolisms to go with that? Just to make it easier to shed the extra lbs?

Intelligent design, my ass!!

We've been eating healthier, and started P90X. I look exactly the same as I did about ten days ago, when we started. Jake, on the other hand, is already slimming down. Like, a lot. His spare tire is nearly flat, his face is significantly thinner, and he's tightened his belt, by a notch!

Nice work, honey! I'm super proud of you, but, it kinda sucks having a workout partner with the metabolism of a 16 year old!

I can't help but feel like I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. You know, because of all the people that have lived in my abdomen, and all the ravenous young that I have fed with my breasticles. My weight loss is always a bit disappointing, to me. I have these visions of a tone, firm-ish body, where my thighs don't rub together, my arm fat doesn't flap, and the only muffin top to be seen, is blueberry flavored, and delicious!!

I have come to the realization that I don't firm up.

No.

I sag. I droop. I deflate.

Yup...the only way I can firm up, is to go under the knife. A little nip and tuck! Maybe my first gig, when I become a nurse, should be for a plastic surgeon's office. You know...for an employee discount!

A conversation…

Jake:  “Hey man, Nikki and I aren’t gonna make it tonight.  The Icelandic volcano has effed up our concert plans, and Avery has a ball game, so, we’re just gonna stay home.” 

Our Irish/Lebanese-American friend:  “Dude…did you just pull the ‘volcano’ card, to ditch me?” 

Jake:  “Yeah…I think I just did.” 

I’m pretty sure that card can only be used…like once, in a life time.  I’ll have to read the fine print. 

Not cool…

Bands from Scotland are cool.

Especially this one…

Volcanoes, blowing ash up into the sky, between here and Scotland, impeding air travel for said cool band?  Not cool!

We’ve been wanting to see this band for about a year now.  We were in Austin at ACL, when they were in Dallas, last fall.  In March, at SXSW, we were close.  We were at a different show, and couldn’t get across town in time to see them at another venue. 

We were stoked that they were booked here in Dallas,  and my friend hooked us up with tickets.  Alas, that damn Icelandic volcano erupted, and the band can’t get here in time for tonight’s show.

Soooo NOT cool!