Monday, August 17, 2009

Cellular memory...

It's amazing to me how memories resonate through our bodies. A single sight, smell, sound, or taste can trigger a cascade of emotion, transporting you back to another time and place.

The thought of tequila reminds me of my youth. Learning to hold my own, thickening my skin, and being "one of the guys." It reminds me of hanging out with my best friends, and falling in love with one of them. The smell of it, is another story. The smell reminds me of a hangover, that I will NEVER forget!!

The smell of hospitals remind me of the year we lived in one. They make me feel a little uneasy, a little concerned, but mostly stoic. I learned at a very young age, that life and death strikes in a matter of minutes in the sterility of their hallways. I learned to be ready for anything. I learned to harness hope, bottle up pain, and roll with the punches.

The cool breezes and warm sun of the fall, remind me of Sunday afternoons. Curled up on the couch watching the Cowboys. Lunch in the crockpot, the familiar voices of the commentators echoing through the house. It reminds me of the birth of each of my children. It reminds me of family.

And then...

A Facebook friend request. A name that takes me back to a time when I was young, quiet, innocent, and vulnerable. A face that reminds me of the day that all changed.

Seeing his face...everything inside me twists and knots. I feel a hollowness in my gut, and a lump in my throat. Physically, my heart and breath quicken, my nerves shake. It's precisely the same sickening feeling I had many years ago. When I was alone and scared. The feeling of his hand wrapped around my throat. Staring into his wild eyes. The intimidation of the clenched fist of his other hand in my periphery.

Strangely, as these resurrected emotions well inside me, so does a sense of pride. Of power. Of peace.

FUCK YOU...You fucking piece of shit!!

Alright, so, scratch the peace...

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