Sunday, May 27, 2012

How Nikki Got Her Groove Back…

Blog style. 

Good news:  I’m vowing to blog again.  And yes, at this point in my absenteeism, I realize I’m likely talking to myself.  That’s kind of the point anyway. 

Which leads me to the…

Bad news:  The next several posts will be devoid of funny.

You see, over the past two years, I’ve spiraled back into the chasm of depression.  How I made it through nursing school during this psychological shit storm, I have no idea.  I just know that now that the dust has settled (yes, this bitch has graduated and there is only one test in my way of the letters R and N behind my name), I look around and hardly recognize myself. 

I take that back. 

I do recognize myself.  And I don’t love who I see.  I am the me of seven years ago, the first time I found myself in this now familiar chasm.  It fucking sucks.  I look the same…about twenty pounds (I’m lying…actually more) overweight, full of self loathing, arguing with my husband because I’m so fucking unhappy with myself.  My mind reeling from being pulled and stretched farther than I imagined possible during school, now ten months estranged from my mother (for very good reasons…this is actually a plus, yet it still hurts like hell), with the same seven year ago sadness in my eyes and downturn of my lips. 

Are YOU now in the chasm with me…did I depress the shit out of you? 

No?  Good. 

I did have to succeed and start taking the happy pills again.  In fact, I’m on two.  A “happy pill,” and because that wasn’t enough, a “happier pill.”  They’ve begun to help, but, I still have some bullshit in my brain that I need to wade through. 

This is where you come in, r/t (that’s nursey nurse for ‘related to’") this little ole blog and the back gettingness of this groove of mine…

I do plan to use the next several posts as a sort of therapy, and get some of this shit out of my head and into my blog.  I plan to document this go ‘round of “the crazy” so that when I’m faced with future episodes of “the crazy,” this blog will be sort of a beacon in the darkness of this chasm that I sometimes find myself in. 

So, hang with me, or not, just know that one day soon, I will have my groove back and by God, there will be funny again!! 

I missed this place.  I love you.  “Kiss the babies for me.”

Nikki

10 comments:

Kimmy said...

Oh girl....I'm right there with you. My next post is going to be a downer also, all due to some crap news we just got yesterday. So, I can feel your pain, one way or another. We can get through this! So...I hope I too can use my blog as an outlet also! Hug to you and I hope you find that happy place again...and w/o the happy pills ;0)

Melinda said...

You're one of my favourite bloggers, I've always admired you for your honesty.
ps secret fantasy that this Canadian girl gets to visit your nice warm state.

Brooke said...

Happy to have you back in the blogging world.

Camilla said...

Good to see you back, Nikki :) I've been thinking about you a lot since Paul received his heart. Keep on posting - hope it's good therapy...that's what we're here for xx

Kameron said...

I'll take you back in any form lady.I am sorry you have been struggling, buy I'm here to listen to all things Nikki, whether it be venting, funny or sad.

Lindsey @ The Hill House said...

Oh man, that sucks! But i totally get how nursing school, mixed with all that other mess, can do that to a gal. Hang in there and do all the venting you need to do.

Also, you forgot your aeb in your r/t statement. :)

Tracy said...

Wait...Your back. Like in bringing your wit and wisdom back to us. Does that mean I can start leaving comments again with the fake names? I am actually glad you will be back and I have always loved reading your funny stories about the kids.

This Daddy said...

Damn it. Thats what I get for being logged in under her name. You know that was me and Tracy never leaves crazy comment..at least not on your blog.

Scott.

Tracy said...

Well I was going to leave you a comment on how I miss you & your hilarious stories but it appears I already left a comment...lol

Keep your head up! And you look great.

Candi said...

I'm so happy to have you back, depressed or not, although I hate that you're hurting :( One test away woohoo, & thanks for clearing up what the hell r/t means :)