Pressing…

It’s just after noon on this Eve of the New Year, and our house is a buzz with the beginnings of cabin fever setting in for the children, as their excitement over the break from school is waning. 

These are some of the questions that I have been asked this morning and/or asked myself. 

The daily dealings in our household…

1)  Why does the dog continue to shit in the house?  *Really, Jobin?  Really?  What is the effing problem, dude?*

2)  Will he ever learn?  *Jack was easier to potty train than this furball!*

3)  How did I allow us to run out of toilet paper?  *Napkins, good toilet paper, do not make!*

4)  How do we tell if the hamster is a boy or a girl? 

5)  Now that we’ve Googled the procedure, who is going to be the one to check?  *Measure the distance between his butt-hole and his sex-hole?  WTF?  Definitely Jake…*

6)  Have we caused a sexual identity crisis in our rodent, by calling him a girl for a year, if he is indeed a boy?  *Yeah…probably not.* 

7)  Are we ready for the pubescence that is about to hit our household with our eldest child?  Will he survive it?  Will we survive it?  How will we survive it three times over?  Are there enough pharmaceuticals to be prescribed to deal with this upcoming trying time?   *Yeah..probably not.* 

8)  What’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  *Are cereal, goldfish, and popcorn suitable meals, because I’d rather be sleeping!*

9)  Can I eat the trifle that I made yesterday, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?  *Yes, I made a trifle.  I’m all kinds of fancy and sophisticated!*

10)  Did God die?  *Jack is quite the theologian, and loves to question his father and I on religion.  I always feel like it’s a test when he asks me…and I always feel like I fail.  Is Jack Jesus?*

Seriously?  I’m exhausted already!! 

Happy Holidays…

I didn’t do a Christmas card this year!

I know…ridiculous!

It’s my favorite part of the season.  The only thing I look forward to about Christmas, and I didn’t do it. 

I have been seriously bummed about it.  It was a combination of me being too busy with school, and then, too busy with photo shoots (read:  working on other people’s Christmas cards)…with a big fat helping of Jake being too scared that this year’s card wouldn’t be good enough! 

We cracked under the pressure, and didn’t do one. 

I was whining about it on facebook, and one of my buddies challenged me to whip one up real quick.  This is what I came up with on the spot…

Merry Whatever-it-is You Celebrate!!

Ghosts from Christmas past...

This one was written two years ago when I had much more time on my hands.  More time...but, the same amount of stress.  

Huh...an epiphany.  I should quit my bitching!!

Merry Christmas, dammit!

I'll spare you all a video of me singing this little ditty...Christmas is stressful enough already without you having my singing voice ringing through your ears this holiday. You'll have to sing these lyrics yourself!

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a migraine that could bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…two dozen houseguests, and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and...DRUGS...I'm going to need drugs for this headache!

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!!

One the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES…OMG, seriously? Are you F-ing kidding me??, four holiday parties, three feuding children, too many people to feed, and a migraine!!!

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…six hours of sleep, FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES, four holiday parties, three kids that won't SHUT UP..., two dozen houseguests, and a labotomy...that's what I need for this headache!

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…seven days on a beach…oh wait, no…I dreamed that...F$&*...six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft fees...looks like we'll be having this for dinner instead:

four holiday parties, three annoying children, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!!!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...I wish!, six hours of sleep, five assholes at the bank, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees! 

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights that never work, seven days on a beach, six measly hours of sleep, all those overdraft fees, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a headache...for the love of all that is sane and good...WHY AREN'T THESE DRUGS WORKING!?!

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...yeah right, six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft charges, four holiday parties...”oh yeah, good to see you, too…how are the kids?…could you show me where your shotgun is!?!”...three awful children, two dozen houseguests and that horrible, horrible headache! 

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eleven pairs of pajama pants, ten TV specials...that clay-mation abominable snowman FREAKS ME OUT:

nine thousand gifts, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach, six hours of sleep...i need more sleep, five...F#$% F#@% F#%#, four holiday parties, three little rugrats, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!

One the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…twelve bottles of cheap wine…it looks like this is the only way we’re gonna survive this, people...eleven pairs of pajama pants...you won’t see me in sequins or silk…it’s flannel for me, all season long, ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...that's all I wanted...DAMMIT, six hours of not near enough sleep, five overdraft charges, four joyous parties, three nightmarish children, too many houseguests and a headache that will be the death of me!!!

Merry Christmas you guys!!!

Tis the season…

In the spirit of the season, the kids and I built a gingerbread house together last week…

And boy am I glad we did.  Because,  having just shot our wad on Friday, finishing up Christmas present buying, we are low on funds, and on groceries. 

So tonight, for dinner, my kids had Ramen noodles.  For dessert?  They ate part of our gingerbread house…

Damn, I love Christmas!

An education…

I’m not the only one in the family being educated in the healthcare field, as of today. 

My son, the 11 year old pre-perv, is currently…like, right now, as I type this…researching the topic of breast cancer.  I wrote out a few questions, like, “What is breast cancer?”  “How many women die each year from breast cancer?”  “Who is at risk for breast cancer?”  “What are the best preventative measures against breast cancer?”  And, “How do doctors treat breast cancer?” 

Now, if my boy still wants one of those DAMNED bracelets, maybe it’ll be for the right reasons. 

Wait…strike that.  He’s still a hormone infused boy. 

I guess, at least, he’ll be a boobie grabbin’ perv, who’s educated on the subject.  Offering breast exams, instead of just flat out grabbing them. 

That’s something maybe I could live with.

Maybe…