Holy Crude Oil, Batman!!!

For the past several months I've put just $10 here and $5 there worth of gas in the suburban because I don't drive it that often...well, hell, we couldn't afford to drive the damned thing.

I went to put gas in it today and you could've knocked me over with a feather...it was $2.08 a gallon.

For a measley $40.00, I got nearly 3/4 of a tank of gas!!!

Makes me wanna fill up and head west just for the hell of it!!!

Ya wanna know what makes me happy?

America's Funniest Home Videos!

Yep, that's it. Not world peace, or my smiling children, 8 straight hours of sleep, or Chipotle burritos...nope, not those things....

America's Funniest Home Videos!

Either I get great pleasure out of seeing other people make jack-asses out of themselves, or my brain has been completely ravaged by the dumbing down of society...either way, I friggin love that show.

All 6 of us sit on the couch after dinner and watch the show forwards, backwards and in slo-mo and laugh our asses off. It's the greatest thing ever!!!

Uncivilized...

No, my family is not being raised by apes. Lily requested a spaghetti dinner sans silverware for her birthday dinner and against my better judgement...I obliged. I dreaded it and couldn't fathom the mess that would be made, but to my surprise and really to my disappointment...they were no messier without silverware than if they had used forks for their meal. Hmmmm...interesting!

If you're a member of PETA...please don't read!

I hate rats! I mean...I hate them...the damn things FREAK ME OUT! I'm terrified of them. Something about how quick they are and all the scurrying...ooooh...they give me the willies.

Before I begin the story...let me explain. They aren't rats...they are actually tiny little mice that live in the fields around the house, but the image that my brain receives from my optic nerve looks nothing like sweet little Jerry!

So, they were living in the walls. We had already killed one rat family when we first moved in...but, a new clan had arrived and it was time to reclaim our territory! But, we had no traps, so I was instructed to go to Wal-Mart and get traps to kill the rats while the kids were at school.

Jake was playing basketball early in the morning and I was getting the kids ready...when, I'll be damned, if one of those furry little bastards didn't dart out of the pantry straight into...guess where...MY OFFICE...where my computer lives...where I spend ALL a little of my time! So, I leap up onto a stool and start directing the children to find the thing and shoo it out of my office. Picture me...grown ass woman in her pajama pants and robe, bedhead and bad breath...perched up on a stool, holding a broom...screaming at the top of my lungs for the children to save me. They were in hysterics and had no intention of helping me whatsoever!

The rat has now perched itself up on our 7 foot tall bookshelf...this is another phenomenon that freaks me out about the rats...they can climb slick vertical heights! Oooooh, the willies! So, we're at a stale mate...everytime he moves, I scream and scare the bejeezus out of him...I was probably giving him the willies! I tell the kids to hurry off to school and they give me a hug without making me come down off of my pedestal...huh...on a pedestal...exactly where I always wanted to be, but DEFINITELY NOT under these circumstances!

Went to Wal-Mart to get the traps, but they were all out...completely...so, I settle for the glue traps...I know, I know...I wasn't thrilled about having live mice stuck to little pads of plastic around my house...but, at least they would be in one place and not running around. Jake could dispose of them when he got home.

I set the traps...and wait. Jake was working late and the rodents continued to terrorize me throughout the day...that was such a fun day! I'm laying in bed waiting for Jake to get home...all is quiet, the kids are asleep...and I hear it...EEEEEK, EEEEEEEK...GOT ONE! The rat is terrified and I'm overjoyed. The trap was under the sink, so with the broom handle I open the door and there he is sprawled across the glue trap...STUCK LIKE CHUCK!! HaHa!!!

Jake gets home and I show him my trophy and tell him what a horrible day I had and how I couldn't even get on the computer...and I tell him "the good news is...I got the rat...the bad news is...he's alive!" He's not thrilled and now HE'S afraid to reach in and grab the sticky pad with the live mouse on it and throw it away...notice how when I'm involved, they're rats...but, Jake...he's just scared of a little ol' mouse!!

So, we decide we need to kill it, then dispose of it...to be humane. We choose our weapon and Jake picks Jack's air-soft gun...the one with the bright green bulltets the size of a pea. Jake takes a few steps back, aims and fires...EEEEEEK...he just hits the thing on the side and hurts it...and from experience I know it really does hurt. He adjusts his aim, gets set and fires....BAM...right in the eyeball...and the bullet STICKS there!

Good news...the mouse is dead, a bullet to the eyeball...bad news...he looks like a crazy Tim Burton creation, or a rat exposed to Gamma rays...this tiny little mouse, stuck to a glue pad, one black, beady eye and one BRIGHT green pea sized, bullet-eyeball! WTF??? My stomach starts turning and I'm starting to wretch a little...it was a little sad and SUPER-DISGUSTING!!! I'm gagging and wretching and Jake yells..."Awwww, man...LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY...I told you to get the traps, not the glue pads!!!!" It ended up being not very humane..AT ALL!

That should teach them not to mess with me!!!!!

I'm at a good place in my life...

I have to say...I'm quite proud of myself and my kids...and I guess my husband had some small hand in it somewhere down the line.

For the past month or so, the kids have been telling me who they wanted to be for the big day...Indiana Jones, Darth Vader, Hannah Montana....they rattled off a list of characters for which I would not only be paying for the costume, but the name and the packaging...all I could see was $$$$$$.

I've always kept all the kids old Halloween costumes...for play, for hand-me-downs, extra costumes for multiple parites, etc.... So, in our attic is a large tub with remnants of Halloweens long ago. The other day, at gun-point...Jake climbed up there and brought it down. Hey...it's football season and a girl's gotta do what a gir's gotta do...plus, it was only a BB gun.

When that tub was placed in the middle of the living room...it was magical! The kids faces and eyes were aglow with Halloweeny happiness. They tried everything on, danced and played around...it was amazing to see them so excited about a box of old costumes.

The best thing about it all...the kids have decided to create their own Halloween costumes from bits and pieces of their old ones. So, I can't imagine what they'll come up with...but what I can see clearly is that this year...I will spend a big, old, fat $0.00 on costumes!!!! That's the kinda shit that makes me happy!!!

Here's what makes me so proud about this whole thing...first, I'm proud of the kids for not being so materialistic that they HAVE TO HAVE the newest fad when it comes to dressing up. I'm also extremely proud of their creativity, that...and it should make for a good laugh. Don't worry, I'll definitely post pics of their masterpieces. Lastly, I'm quite proud of Jake and I, as parents. I'm proud that we have instilled in our children that creativity and making something for yourself is fun and something you can be proud of...and I'm quite proud that I'm not one of those psycho moms that will spend a fortune on every accessory for each costume, hair dye, nose jobs...whatever it takes...so the kid looks EXACTLY like the real thing.

This year...I CANNOT wait until October 31st!!!!

Shitty Mood...Day 2

Well, the gift my leathered friend sent yesterday did lift my mood some...but, my high from the zippo didn't last too long. The thrill soon gave way to rabid frustration when I never could figure out how to light the damned thing! Stupid, Stetson wearing, malignant, Marlboro man!

I feel this way a couple of times a year...you know, just really pissed off. I had a hysterectomy and my husband translated it to a PMS-ectomy, he was ecstatic...but, oh what he didn't know then. Sure, I don't get all PMSy every 28 days, no, now I get a psychosis that sets in for 30 days about every 6 months. Doesn't that sound fun? I mean, to me, it's TOTALLY worth it...no pads, tampons, cramps...all that shit. My husband, on the other hand...well I checked the history on the computer and he's been researching uterus transplants. He can have the damned thing trasnplanted into his abdominal cavity.

Just a mildly severe (is that an oxymoron?) case of temporary psychosis. The typical mom shit that no one but other put upon mom's understand, like:

• my kids don't listen to a word I say...in fact, they only acknowledge my existence if they need money, food, permission for something, their asses wiped, or are just bored out of their wits and feel like annoying the hell out of me.
• my husband...he runs his own agenda and well...he only acknowledges my existence when he's randy...which, thank goodness, the psychosis has thwarted. so, lately, it's never!
• the dog, who is supposed to be MY dog...he only acknowledges me between the hours of 8-11am M-F when he and I are the only ones in the house...if anyone else is here...I'm chopped liver...well, no, a dog would probably LOVE chopped liver...I'm kitty litter...no, the sick little bastard would probably like that, too...the vacuum...he HATES the vacuum, that's it...I'm as useless to him as the vacuum.

So...I'm really feeling sorry for myself and feeling TOTALLY put upon and taken for granted. Who am I kidding...I feel this way pretty much 365 days a year..that's the bad news...the good news for my family is that I'm only pissed off about it for 30 days every six months.

Red Letter Day

Well, I'm in a shitty mood. I didn't know what to blog about besides the fact that I'm in a shitty mood, so I sat down to start the ranting and raving. But, before I started typing, I decided to check the mail...well, I'll be damned...if my day didn't do a complete 180!!!

When I opened the mailbox...I saw it immediately. A little red package. I knew what it was and could barely wait to get inside to open it. I sprinted inside...and, I mean, you would have thought I had just received my Little Orphan Annie Secret Society decoder pin or something.

I opened the package and there was this perfect little black velvet box. I opened it as delicately as you would handle a butterfly...that's when I glimpsed my treasure for the first time. My very own, stainless steel, zippo lighter, decoratively etched with guitar strings and pick...straight from the Marlboro man himself!

Now, before you start in with your rendition of "you don't always die from tobacco....sometimes you just lose a lung," let me explain...Jake and I consider ourselves "social smokers." For some reason, when I have a beer in my hand, I have the tendency to light up a fag. I don't know if I'm trying to look cool, or bored..maybe Freud could explain...but, it's what I do. There.

The last pack we bought had this questionairre attached and an offer to receive a free zippo. More than anything in this world, I love free stuff...so, OF COURSE, I went to the website, jumped through some hoops and 2 weeks letter comes the little black box that saved the day!