If you're a member of PETA...please don't read!

I hate rats! I mean...I hate them...the damn things FREAK ME OUT! I'm terrified of them. Something about how quick they are and all the scurrying...ooooh...they give me the willies.

Before I begin the story...let me explain. They aren't rats...they are actually tiny little mice that live in the fields around the house, but the image that my brain receives from my optic nerve looks nothing like sweet little Jerry!

So, they were living in the walls. We had already killed one rat family when we first moved in...but, a new clan had arrived and it was time to reclaim our territory! But, we had no traps, so I was instructed to go to Wal-Mart and get traps to kill the rats while the kids were at school.

Jake was playing basketball early in the morning and I was getting the kids ready...when, I'll be damned, if one of those furry little bastards didn't dart out of the pantry straight into...guess where...MY OFFICE...where my computer lives...where I spend ALL a little of my time! So, I leap up onto a stool and start directing the children to find the thing and shoo it out of my office. Picture me...grown ass woman in her pajama pants and robe, bedhead and bad breath...perched up on a stool, holding a broom...screaming at the top of my lungs for the children to save me. They were in hysterics and had no intention of helping me whatsoever!

The rat has now perched itself up on our 7 foot tall bookshelf...this is another phenomenon that freaks me out about the rats...they can climb slick vertical heights! Oooooh, the willies! So, we're at a stale mate...everytime he moves, I scream and scare the bejeezus out of him...I was probably giving him the willies! I tell the kids to hurry off to school and they give me a hug without making me come down off of my pedestal...huh...on a pedestal...exactly where I always wanted to be, but DEFINITELY NOT under these circumstances!

Went to Wal-Mart to get the traps, but they were all out...completely...so, I settle for the glue traps...I know, I know...I wasn't thrilled about having live mice stuck to little pads of plastic around my house...but, at least they would be in one place and not running around. Jake could dispose of them when he got home.

I set the traps...and wait. Jake was working late and the rodents continued to terrorize me throughout the day...that was such a fun day! I'm laying in bed waiting for Jake to get home...all is quiet, the kids are asleep...and I hear it...EEEEEK, EEEEEEEK...GOT ONE! The rat is terrified and I'm overjoyed. The trap was under the sink, so with the broom handle I open the door and there he is sprawled across the glue trap...STUCK LIKE CHUCK!! HaHa!!!

Jake gets home and I show him my trophy and tell him what a horrible day I had and how I couldn't even get on the computer...and I tell him "the good news is...I got the rat...the bad news is...he's alive!" He's not thrilled and now HE'S afraid to reach in and grab the sticky pad with the live mouse on it and throw it away...notice how when I'm involved, they're rats...but, Jake...he's just scared of a little ol' mouse!!

So, we decide we need to kill it, then dispose of it...to be humane. We choose our weapon and Jake picks Jack's air-soft gun...the one with the bright green bulltets the size of a pea. Jake takes a few steps back, aims and fires...EEEEEEK...he just hits the thing on the side and hurts it...and from experience I know it really does hurt. He adjusts his aim, gets set and fires....BAM...right in the eyeball...and the bullet STICKS there!

Good news...the mouse is dead, a bullet to the eyeball...bad news...he looks like a crazy Tim Burton creation, or a rat exposed to Gamma rays...this tiny little mouse, stuck to a glue pad, one black, beady eye and one BRIGHT green pea sized, bullet-eyeball! WTF??? My stomach starts turning and I'm starting to wretch a little...it was a little sad and SUPER-DISGUSTING!!! I'm gagging and wretching and Jake yells..."Awwww, man...LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY...I told you to get the traps, not the glue pads!!!!" It ended up being not very humane..AT ALL!

That should teach them not to mess with me!!!!!

A gunshot wound....

Here's a good one for you...

Let me back this story up....

Jack got an airsoft gun for his birthday..why we thought it was a good idea to arm this child...I'll never know and, yes, it was a grandma gift...Avery got one too and before we sent them out in the backyard to kill each other we thought we'd test it out to see how bad the bullets hurt. So, I volunteer...Jake's testosterone kicks in and he realizes he can't let his wife take one for the team...so he takes several steps across the yard, turns his back to me...and with just the slightest bit of glee...I shoot him right between the shoulder blades. Jake starts hollering, jumping up and down, swatting at his back like there's a swarm of bees after him and screams..."NEVER, EVER SHOOT EACH OTHER..." We check the site of impact and there is a whelp the size of a nickel and a bright purple/red blood blister the size of a pencil eraser right in the center....it continues to sting and the point is proven to the kids...they will never shoot one another.

Now...to yesterday...I was putting Jack's air rifle up and glanced down noticing the bright green bullet ready for fire...I thought I should empty it, but then thought, nah...they won't shoot it at anyone, it's fine...a thought I later regret...I check the safety, then put it on his shelf. The kids had just gotten home from school and I was lecturing about something...to all three of the kids...Jack, apparently sick of my ranting, grabs his rifle, points directly at me, says "Hey Mom" I turn and look, he fires....and....at point blank range, I was shot right in the ass!!!!! So, I start hollering, jumping up and down and swatting my ass like there's a swarm of bees after me. I remember glancing at the kids and the look of fear on their faces...was absolutely priceless. Jack was terrified, he ran and hid in his room...Avery and Lily ran as far from the scene as they could possibly be and my husband, my defender, my protector....sits on the couch hysterically laughing. In his defense...from his perspective, I'm sure it was HILARIOUS. I would've taken pix, but it was my ass...so, I thought I would spare you all!!!

Ahhhh, the joys of motherhood!!! Avery wants a .22 for Christmas...yeah...I DON'T THINK SO!!!