10 years ago today, I changed forever...

Dear Joey,

I will not go through the list of things that I should have done...or things that I could have done...or knowing what I know now, the things I would have done. For, there is no use in pondering the would've's and the could've's...they only bring pain.

I knew this day was different. I knew this time was not like the other times we thought we might lose you. I knew you were gone...a mother knows. The doctors and nurses tried to give us a little hope...they tried to tell us that there was a small chance. Our family, didn't even want to think it. They would say, "Nikki, you've seen him do this before and he makes it...he always pulls through." "Not this time," I'd say, "he can't make it this time."

I could see that you were tired. I could see that you didn't want or need to fight anymore. No one so small, and so fragile, yet so perfect in my eyes should have to fight that hard to breathe, to live.

I remember being alone in the room with you...the nurse who kept trying to point out little signs that might mean that you would be okay...had just left the room. I stood next to your bed, I was stroking your arm and do you remember what I said? I leaned in close to you and whispered, "You can go now...you don't have to fight for me anymore." It was the sweetest, simplest, purest, most sublime moment I'd experienced and continues to be to this day. Just a few hours later the tests confirmed what I already knew...a mother always knows.

You lived your life...all 10 months and 21 days of it...for others, from the beginning until the bittersweet end, you held on. Month after month, day after day, minute after minute you would fight for us...sharing your smiles and sharing your warmth. All those nights in the hospital rooms...the three of us talking, playing, laughing, and crying...you bonded your father and I together forever. We were so young and so naive, and you showed us what love is. I thank you for that, and when your brothers and sister are old enough to know the story...they will thank you, too.

You held on for her...you knew when she would need you. Your tiny, perfect little heart..the symbolic essence of who you are...it was so strong. Your other organs were beginning to fail...but, your heart beat on. Just as it does today. Ten years later, she is because of you. I know her family thanks you for that...and when she is older and has a better understanding...she will, too.



Thank you, son, I am a better person because of you.

I love you like crazy and miss you even more,
Mommy

This time of year....

funny how just the change in weather can make u miss someone so terribly.

my son was born in december, was transplanted in late august and died in november. this time of year always stirs up so many emotions for me.

it's been 10 years since his death...every year i expect it to get easier and easier...but i wouldn't call it easier...just different. time heals all wounds....i don't think so. time stops the bleeding and forms a scab...but something as simple as cool breeze marking the change of a season can reopen the wound...bringing the realization that you are not healed and may never be.

On a serious note...