Thursday, May 31, 2012

To blog or not to blog…

I struggle with whether or not I should blog about my mom.  As I said in an earlier post, we’ve been estranged for around 10 months. 

Is that enough said? 

Do I owe it to her to keep my mouth shut, publicly, about what being her daughter has been like? 

Do I owe it to myself to purge what being her daughter has been like?  Purge this shit out of my head, out of my heart, and hopefully rid this heavy weight I carry on my shoulders in regard to my mother. 

I have so many mixed feelings. 

She did the best she could, or knew how to do…as all of us mothers do…however, her faults, many times, were at my expense.  Not on me physically, no.  My mother did not give me physical scars.  She gave me emotional ones.  Psychological ones.  One is not worse than the other, but, these psychological/emotional scars have formed smoothed, raised callouses in my psyche, that have sometimes impeded the way of me becoming…well, me

Or did they cause me to become me? 

That’s what Jake says.  He says I should be grateful that she made me who I am.  I do love me some me, but…surely there was a kinder way to nurture me, for me to still be me.  No?  I don’t know. 

I just know that I have a lot to talk about in regard to my mother, and I can’t talk to her about it.  She won’t listen to me.  She says this is all my fault that I’m too sensitive. 

Um…do you guys know me?  Is sensitive a word you’d use to describe me? 

Yeah…me either. 

What is your opinion on the matter? 

To blog, respectfully, about my mother…or not to blog…that is the question!


Lindsey @ The Hill House said...

Oh man, that's a sucky spot to be in. Maybe the question should be, "If I blog about my mother and she reads it/finds out, will it do irreparable damage to our relationship?" I don't know if you want to mend things with your mom, but if you do have that hope for one day, then maybe a public vent isn't the best choice right now. You can always write everything that you need to, but maybe hold off on hitting that publish post button. That's my thought; hope it helps!

Nikki B. said...

very good advice. dont' really want reconciliation. reconciliation for my mom means that i have to go back to letting her talk to me horribly and treating me like shit. controlling me. reconciliation for me, means her accepting me for who i am. knowing me. the real me. she reads this blog (used to) and she would twist and turn my posts to mean something that they didn't. thinking i was crying for help. she thinks/wants me to be weak. expects me to be? don't know. thanks for your input, lindsey! how's school?!

Kameron said...

I like Lindsay's outlook, but you have to decide whether you need to hash it out in a public forum or not. I feel like my blog is more like a real family that accepts me and I can talk about whatever I want. If you do it, like you said, respectfully and it makes you feel better then it was worth it.

Scott S. said...

I cant give you any advice on what you should do about your mom. I think only you can make that decision. But....

Even though you blog about crazy shit, talk crazy, act nuts, have so much fun, curse and this and that....I would with 100% of my knowledge of the little bit I know, use the word Sensitive when talking about you. Your feelings may differ or vary from time to time on matters but the fact that you care and the fact that you struggle with this very me shows you are sensitive. Being a follower of yours for a couple years now, I will support whatever you choose.

kristi said...

My mom and I have definitely had our issues but we worked through them. I had to call her out on her shit and she has made some changes. It has not been easy!

Eran said...

This forum is place you created to be be able to let out anything and everything that has been laid on your heart and your mind. A place where you are not judged by people who love and adore your unconventional and fun loving way of life. If you cant talk here where can you? I think, personally, that it helps to ust put it out there whether she reads it or not. The truth is the truth and it hurts some times, BUT by keeping it in you are continually allowing her to stunt to your personal growth. Love you girl. - Ern

Kimmy said...

I love everyone's take on this matter! I have to say, if you do vent, perhaps you can get some non-bias advise that may help you find peace in the matter. If you post your frustrations on here, like you said, and she reads it she will twist what you say but then again, you said you don't care to reconcile anyway. Either way, we're hear for you to vent...or not! Your call. *hugs*

theagnosticswife said...

Man, I have been where you are. I did blog about my mom, and she did find it, and it did do damage. However, I feel our relationship was already headed there for a while.

I won't lie if felt good to write about her and for people to be supportive of me and what she was doing to me. After she found my blog I password protected those posts about her and when I write about her now, I still password protect the posts.