Friday, December 31, 2010

Pressing…

It’s just after noon on this Eve of the New Year, and our house is a buzz with the beginnings of cabin fever setting in for the children, as their excitement over the break from school is waning. 

These are some of the questions that I have been asked this morning and/or asked myself. 

The daily dealings in our household…

1)  Why does the dog continue to shit in the house?  *Really, Jobin?  Really?  What is the effing problem, dude?*

2)  Will he ever learn?  *Jack was easier to potty train than this furball!*

3)  How did I allow us to run out of toilet paper?  *Napkins, good toilet paper, do not make!*

4)  How do we tell if the hamster is a boy or a girl? 

5)  Now that we’ve Googled the procedure, who is going to be the one to check?  *Measure the distance between his butt-hole and his sex-hole?  WTF?  Definitely Jake…*

6)  Have we caused a sexual identity crisis in our rodent, by calling him a girl for a year, if he is indeed a boy?  *Yeah…probably not.* 

7)  Are we ready for the pubescence that is about to hit our household with our eldest child?  Will he survive it?  Will we survive it?  How will we survive it three times over?  Are there enough pharmaceuticals to be prescribed to deal with this upcoming trying time?   *Yeah..probably not.* 

8)  What’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  *Are cereal, goldfish, and popcorn suitable meals, because I’d rather be sleeping!*

9)  Can I eat the trifle that I made yesterday, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?  *Yes, I made a trifle.  I’m all kinds of fancy and sophisticated!*

10)  Did God die?  *Jack is quite the theologian, and loves to question his father and I on religion.  I always feel like it’s a test when he asks me…and I always feel like I fail.  Is Jack Jesus?*

Seriously?  I’m exhausted already!! 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Happy Holidays…

I didn’t do a Christmas card this year!

I know…ridiculous!

It’s my favorite part of the season.  The only thing I look forward to about Christmas, and I didn’t do it. 

I have been seriously bummed about it.  It was a combination of me being too busy with school, and then, too busy with photo shoots (read:  working on other people’s Christmas cards)…with a big fat helping of Jake being too scared that this year’s card wouldn’t be good enough! 

We cracked under the pressure, and didn’t do one. 

I was whining about it on facebook, and one of my buddies challenged me to whip one up real quick.  This is what I came up with on the spot…

Merry Whatever-it-is You Celebrate!!

Card2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ghosts from Christmas past...

This one was written two years ago when I had much more time on my hands.  More time...but, the same amount of stress.  

Huh...an epiphany.  I should quit my bitching!!

Merry Christmas, dammit!

I'll spare you all a video of me singing this little ditty...Christmas is stressful enough already without you having my singing voice ringing through your ears this holiday. You'll have to sing these lyrics yourself!

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a migraine that could bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…two dozen houseguests, and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and...DRUGS...I'm going to need drugs for this headache!

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees!!

One the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES…OMG, seriously? Are you F-ing kidding me??, four holiday parties, three feuding children, too many people to feed, and a migraine!!!

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…six hours of sleep, FIVE OVERDRAFT CHARGES, four holiday parties, three kids that won't SHUT UP..., two dozen houseguests, and a labotomy...that's what I need for this headache!

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…seven days on a beach…oh wait, no…I dreamed that...F$&*...six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft fees...looks like we'll be having this for dinner instead:
Photobucket

four holiday parties, three annoying children, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!!!

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...I wish!, six hours of sleep, five assholes at the bank, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a migraine that would bring a mammoth to his knees! 

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights that never work, seven days on a beach, six measly hours of sleep, all those overdraft fees, four holiday parties, three feuding children, two dozen houseguests and a headache...for the love of all that is sane and good...WHY AREN'T THESE DRUGS WORKING!?!

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...yeah right, six measly hours of sleep, five overdraft charges, four holiday parties...”oh yeah, good to see you, too…how are the kids?…could you show me where your shotgun is!?!”...three awful children, two dozen houseguests and that horrible, horrible headache! 

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…eleven pairs of pajama pants, ten TV specials...that clay-mation abominable snowman FREAKS ME OUT:
Photobucket

nine thousand gifts, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach, six hours of sleep...i need more sleep, five...F#$% F#@% F#%#, four holiday parties, three little rugrats, two dozen houseguests, and a migraine!

One the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…twelve bottles of cheap wine…it looks like this is the only way we’re gonna survive this, people...eleven pairs of pajama pants...you won’t see me in sequins or silk…it’s flannel for me, all season long, ten TV specials, nine thousand gifts to wrap, eight strands of lights, seven days on a beach...that's all I wanted...DAMMIT, six hours of not near enough sleep, five overdraft charges, four joyous parties, three nightmarish children, too many houseguests and a headache that will be the death of me!!!

Merry Christmas you guys!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Tis the season…

In the spirit of the season, the kids and I built a gingerbread house together last week…

IMG_9515
And boy am I glad we did.  Because,  having just shot our wad on Friday, finishing up Christmas present buying, we are low on funds, and on groceries. 

So tonight, for dinner, my kids had Ramen noodles.  For dessert?  They ate part of our gingerbread house…

photo

Damn, I love Christmas!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

An education…

I’m not the only one in the family being educated in the healthcare field, as of today. 

My son, the 11 year old pre-perv, is currently…like, right now, as I type this…researching the topic of breast cancer.  I wrote out a few questions, like, “What is breast cancer?”  “How many women die each year from breast cancer?”  “Who is at risk for breast cancer?”  “What are the best preventative measures against breast cancer?”  And, “How do doctors treat breast cancer?” 

Now, if my boy still wants one of those DAMNED bracelets, maybe it’ll be for the right reasons. 

Wait…strike that.  He’s still a hormone infused boy. 

I guess, at least, he’ll be a boobie grabbin’ perv, who’s educated on the subject.  Offering breast exams, instead of just flat out grabbing them. 

That’s something maybe I could live with.

Maybe… 

Monday, November 29, 2010

He hearts boobies…

This is your fair warning…this is a rant!

*climbs up on this soapbox that someone conveniently left here*

Three weeks ago, my 11 year old boy asked me for an “I heart boobies” bracelet that are all the rage right now.  One like his friends have.  His 11 year old friends.  His 11 year old friends who, apparently, have parents that are cooler, hipper, and more into saving boobies than his mother is.

boobies  Photo from here.

I answered the boy with a resounding…hell to the niz-o, and later, his father and I had a discussion. 

I expressed that I think the “I heart boobies” slogan…for lack of a better word in my vocabulary to accurately portray my feelings…is BOO-SHIT! 

BOO-SHIT, BOO-SHIT…BOO-SHIT!

I should rephrase that.  The slogan is cute.  It’s catchy.  My problem lies in the fact that it’s also catchy to the younger crowd.  Boys teetering on their “coming of age” who are just starting to find interest in the femalian fun bags, are now finding it cool, fun, and trendy to “heart boobies.” 

Don’t get me wrong.  I heart boobies.  I do.  They attracted an exceptional mate for my ass.  They fed my babies, and grew them to be healthy and rotund.  They make my shirts fit nicely.  They don’t cause me trouble.  And they’re errogenous, to boot!  I heart ‘em just as much as the next gal. 

I don’t, however, “heart” that my 11 year old finds it socially acceptable, (because of an inappropriate marketing ploy, IMO), to advertise and proclaim, that he, in all his pre-pubescent glory, “hearts boobies,” too! 

BOO-SHIT!!

In this little discussion I had with my “booby hearting” mate, I told him that I thought the slogan and the bracelets, when worn my young boys, was an invitation for sexual harassment.  IMO, it opens the door, for a young boy to say inappropriate things, possibly (read: probably) to a girl, with the convenient cloak of “I said it for the cause,” to cover his ass. 

BOO-SHIT!!!

I remember pre and pubescent boys.  They don’t need any excuses, or green lights, to be inappropriate with young girls.  They come up with plenty of ideas on their own to talk about, look at, oogle, and lust after boobies. 

They’re male mammals.  They have virtually one track minds. 

Fast forward to today, and me on this fucking soapbox…

I received a phone call from the Assistant Principal of the school, letting me know that my boy, and some of his friends were threatening girls, saying that they were going to “grab their boobies, because they heart them.”

Am I blaming my son’s misconduct on the campaign for “The Cure?” 

Hell no. 

It’s my job as a parent to teach my boy what is and isn’t wildly inappropriate.  I failed on this one, for sure. 

However, I do think that the bracelets did EXACTLY what I expected they would, right under my own nose.  They fanned the embers of a fire that will soon enough be raging, amongst those boys.  Those boys, just beginning to feel the twinges of becoming young men. 

“I heart boobies.” 

Innocent enough for you, or I, I suppose.  Notsomuch for the young girls who were threatened (thankfully, only threatened, and not assaulted) by my son and his friends. 

I firmly believe that those bracelets should be banned in schools.  I also think the gimmicks and marketing for something as serious and personal as breast cancer, should be chosen more carefully. 

More importantly, I should be a more vigilant parent, and use this as a way to teach him about those bracelets, what they mean, and what “hearting their boobies” means to the women who’ve tragically lost theirs to cancer. 

Boys…if they had boobies, they’d understand!

*soapbox dismount*

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thankful…

Cliché and corny, I know, but, I am. 

Thankful.

For these three kids here with me, who, I’m convinced, are the cat’s pajamas.  For real.
  1001

1002

1003

For the one who’s not here with me who taught me more about life in the 11 short months that I was given with him, than I’d have ever been able to learn on my own…in three lifetimes. 

1000

And for The One, who works hard at a job that I know he doesn’t love, nor is he passionate about…so that his wife and kids (whom he is passionate about) can pursue their dreams. 

1000

He’s amazing. 

So incredibly thankful, I am. 

For all of them.