Knocked up…

I mean…I’m not knocked up.

It’s hard to get that way without a uterus.

Those little boogers just don’t have a place to hang their hats!

That doesn’t keep Jake from trying, though. 

Persistence. 

In our case, it won’t pay off…but, the process is fun!

My best friend from high school is knocked up for the first time. 

My neighbor’s knocked up. 

Some good friends of our family…she’s knocked up.

Heidi's knocked up.

I have three cousins who’re knocked up.

Today, I found out that my SIL is knocked up! 

It was a cold ass winter! 

It seems as though people were bumpin’ uglies to keep warm!! 

This is the girl…

…who has chicken pox.

…who was vaccinated against it.

…who got it anyway.

…who itches like crazy.

…who is missing a big party, at school today, that she’s been looking forward to for weeks.

…who is missing a regional academic competition, tomorrow, that she’s been practicing for, for months.

…who was kicked out, via the back stair well of the doctor’s office, like a leper, once she was diagnosed.

…who cried when we got in the car.

…who successfully used those tears to score Chick-fil-A for breakfast.

…who can’t return to school until Tuesday.  At the earliest.

…who would tell the chicken pox to suck it, if she were anything like her mother. 

Everyting gonna be irie…

I think he’s gonna make it. 

He’s coming around. 

Starting to look like his old self.

He’s a slower, wobblier, more banged up version of his old self…but, a version we can live with, just the same. 

All of his plumbing works.  He just needs a little help taking care of business. 

 

We don’t mind helpin’ a brotha out.  We’re just glad he’s here.  Not many weenie dogs take on a full size truck, and live to tell about it.

The broken pelvis will keep him from running in the weenie dog races this year, in Austin, as planned, but, maybe he’ll be up to cheering for his friends and scoping out the competition for next year!  

I was worried sick about my pup…and am so glad that it looks as though, he’ll make a full recovery!

What we do…

Jake works from home on Wednesdays, so, it’s just the two of us, alone in the house, while the kids are at school.

Wanna know what we do all day?

Let me clarify…

Wanna know what we do all day, that’s halfway appropriate for me to share with you on my blog?

We cuss.

Like sailors.

Every spoken sentence contains an expletive!

It’s fun!

We’re very careful to watch our language while the kids are around, and Wednesdays are our “days off.”

A couple of Wednesdays ago, Avery was home sick from school. 

Jake and I went about our normal Wednesday routine…

Throwing as many “damns” into each sentence as humanly possible, to emulate Myron Mixon, from TLC’s Pitmasters.  It was one of our favorite shows back when we had the TV, and he was our favorite pit master!

“How damn many scoops of sugar do you want in your damn coffee, Babe?”

“Hell, two’s fine.  Will you put a couple of scoops of some damn creamer in there, too?”

“I damn sure will.”

Avery wasn’t used to hearing us damn that many things, and came busting out of his room, and said, “OH.MY.GOD!!!  What are y’all doing?  Stop with the cussing!!  Is this what y’all do all day while we’re at school?  Just cuss?  Is it?”

Jake and I looked at each other, and in damn-near unison, we said, “Damn sure is!!”

Tony Montana…

Say hello…to my little friend…

 

He thought he was badder than the a Chevy Silverado truck. 

A broken pelvis, 5 prescriptions, and $615 later…

 

it turns out, that he’s not!

It’s Jake’s fault…if he’d told ‘em what I told him to tell ‘em…he’d have told ‘em to stay outta the street!

It looks and sounds bad, but, “every day above ground, is a good day!”

However, today,  Tucker Scarface would probably disagree!

My hometown...

A chick linked this news story on a forum, and started a discussion about it...to find out if people thought it was funny, or offensive.

Back in my hometown, some people are outraged over this billboard for a local adult novelty shop...

I know it's small, but in case you can't read it, it says, "Stop vegetable abuse." Then, it lists the websites of the adult stores.

Personally, I think it's as tasteful as it's gonna get for an ad for an adult sex shop. I mean...I can think of a helluva lot more offensive images they could choose to sell their products.

It's a CUCUMBER for crying out loud!!

Young kids won't even get it. You can just lie to them, and tell them that the cucumber is sad, because kids don't eat their vegetables anymore. You skirt around the masturbation conversation, the kids are guilted into eating their greens! It's a win/win!

As for teenagers...well, they already know about masturbation whether you'd like to admit it, or not!! I mean, maybe our daughters aren't using cucumbers...but, at least you'll know what's up, if all of a sudden, the cucumbers in the house go missing!

When I was searching for an image for this post, I found that it actually started as a late night television commercial. Mind you, I wouldn't know anything about that...because I don't have television right now!! And I doubt they air it on the one channel we get...because it's that Jesus channel!! And if they DO air it on the Jesus channel...well, then I'll see you in church this Sunday!! Can I get an AMEN?

Check it...



So, what do you think? Tacky? Tasteful? Offensive? Or, funny as hell?!?

My end of the bargain...

Hi. I'm Nikki.

I'm a recovering addict.

It's been four days since my last Dr.Pepper.

I wish I could say that I feel better. That I see clearer. That my thoughts aren't fuzzy...but, I've only quit the Dr.Pepper, not the crack!

I'm kidding.

About the crack.

I swear!

Good news: I eat less. Sometimes, I would want a Dr.Pepper, so I would get a snack, too...ya know, to make my Dr.Pepper taste better! That's pretty bad, huh!

Bad news: I'm jonesing like a MO-FO!!! HARD!