Thursday, May 28, 2009

The post in which I curse, A LOT...

Ya wanna know something that drives me up the fuckin' wall? The T9 or iTap...whatever it's called...on my cell phone that finishes words for me when I text.

The majority of the time, it's a handy little feature. However, I wish the damned thing would refrain from trying to censor me!

Why should my celly care if I want to say shit, or fuck, or ass, or bitch, or goddamncocksuckingmotherfucker!?!

Whilst trying to send a text containing the word "fuckin" to a friend...my T9 predicted that I was trying to type one of the following words:

Dualgo
Dualim
Evalin
Duckgo
Evalgo
Dualho
Dualgm
Duckim
Evalim
Duckho
Evalho
Duckgm
Dualio
Duckio
Ducki6

Duckho-A, man...just let me say Fuckin already, wouldya??? Besides...in the words of one Mr. Robert Brown...IT'S MY PEROGATIVE!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sad Really TV...

I'll admit, I watched the train wreck that aired on TLC last night. I'm not proud of myself and am already regretting my decision a little bit, but whatever.

In my defense, the girl LOVES the show. So, she and I spent a little time together, sans people with penises, to watch...the train wreck!!

Just to let you know, I could care less about those two humans and their litter, my beef here is with "Reality TV", in general...

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "REALITY TV"!!!!

Maybe you guys were privy to this before now...but, it just dawned on me last night. There is NO SUCH THING. PERIOD.

Once you let cameras into your home to film your "everyday life," it becomes not so "everyday" anymore. Your asked to repeat what you just said so they can capture it on film, so now, there is a script...maybe you change how you look since you'll be seen by millions...maybe the network showers you with trips and shitloads of money...all of which, completely changes "everyday life."

Exit the reality part of "Reality TV."

Not to mention, money changes you. Indubitibly! The new flow of income wraps around you, wringing out any last shred of "reality" that might've remained.

Maybe the cash gives you a little extra confidence to say what you've been feeling all along, or stand up for yourself...be a little more brazen. Maybe it shows you something you never knew you always wanted. Something that was out of your reach before...but, now is easily taken. Nonetheless, it changes you.

It's sad, really.

Maybe that's what they should call it, "Sad Really TV."

Me? I'm happy with my middle class mediocrity.

Where I can wear the same pajama pants all day long, for three days in a row, with no one to impress. Where I can yell at my kids and make ridiculous parenting mistakes without ridicule. Where I'm the one to wipe away my children's tears, bandage their bloody knees, sit up with them when they are sick, and laugh with them as often as possible. Where my husband and I travel together, sleep together, parent together, dream together, love each other immensely and laugh together as often as possible.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Monday, Monday...

It's a holiday, but my kids are in school today to make up a snow day. The little one is not crying anymore, because he now understands what a make-up day is.

Aaaaaand they strategically scheduled Field Day for today so that slacker parents like me, wouldn't keep their kids out of school anyway and have an extra night to party spend quality time together.

So, I'm playing along here...


This is the topic...

How did you and your significant other meet? and if you don't have a significant other at the moment then what would be your dream way to meet him?

Aaaaaaand this will take you to my post about the greatest story of my life! But, if you don't feel like travelling, here it is:

The Story of Us

This is the tale of how I met and fell in love with The One...

My husband is always bitchingI've noticed that during my blog-therapy sessions...I spend a lot of time throwing The One "under the bus."

Let me get this out of the way first before I begin one of the greatest stories of my life. Honey...Shmoopy...sweet, sweet Love of my Life...let this be both a rude awakening and a public apology. Rude awakening: DUDE...YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!! Public apology: I'm sorry I'm always "throwing you under the bus"...but, look on the bright side...at least I'm bitching on my blog and not in your ear!!

Let me take you back to 1991. I was 15 and have to tell this detail of our story from The One's point of view. He was in the 7-11 getting something to drink and I come in. He says that when he saw me, everyone disappeared...he says everything was in slow motion...he thought I was beautiful and...I don't want to say it was love at first sight, that's so cliche and isn't his style. Let's just say that he was "sprung!" In his words, "this moment in 7-11 is the clearest memory he has from his entire life." To this day, he still remembers what I was wearing and what I was buying at the store. He had to meet me.

He starts asking around to find out who this amazingly, incredibly, breath-takingly...alright, I'll stop...beautiful girl was. He finds out that I am a friend of one of his good friends' girlfriend. She starts talking to me telling me that this guy really wants to go out with me...yada, yada, yada. I see a picture of him and agree. So, we set up a double date.

We go on our date...to ride go carts and play big ball golf...and we clicked immediately. We talked ALL the time, but didn't go on a whole lot of dates because neither one of us could drive. We were together for most of the school year and the summer. I kinda fell in love with him...I don't think I really knew what it was then...I knew I liked him A LOT...but, I didn't know it was love. I was 15...I didn't know JACK SHIT!! Mom...if you're reading this...please look away...scroll down a little bit and just PLEASE...FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SANE AND GOOD...skip this next sentence!!! That summer, he was my "first."

Silly high school stuff got in the way and after that summer we broke up. Okay, honey...I'll throw myself under the bus...I cheated on him!! I'm sorry, love...how was I supposed to know that I didn't have to look anymore...how was I supposed to know that I had already met The One!!! I WAS FIFTEEN...just 5 years older than a 10 year old...just a rookie teenager!! We didn't have much to do with each other for the rest of our high school days. I tried to apologize because I couldn't quit thinking about him...for years I missed him. I went off to college and would still surprise myself missing him. I would have dreams about him and think about him randomly.

Now to April, 1996...the end of my first year in college. I came home for a weekend to hang out with old friends. We went to a concert in Dallas and bumped into some of the guys we went to high school with. This is the memory that is clearest in my mind from my entire life. Deep Blue Something was playing "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and in my mind...the record scratched, everything was silent and the world moved in slow motion. I saw The One at the back of his group of friends. We were in the middle of this huge crowd and everyone disappeared...I only saw him! Our eyes met and he looked at me in a way that I'll never forget. He raised his eyebrows, his eyes lit up, and smiled the sexiest smile...a smile that I had seen plenty of times, but had taken for granted! In that moment...barely 19 years old...I knew I would never take that smile for granted EVER, EVER again!! We began talking that night, and the next, and the next, and the next....

From there, we built the foundation of one of the most incredible relationships I've ever seen or even heard of. It was built out of admiration, honesty, communication, understanding, compassion, commitment, compromise, laughter, friendship, fidelity, respect, pillow-talk, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...more love than anyone can imagine! It is truly AMAZING what he and I have. This is not just my distorted view of reality, either. Ask anyone who knows us and they will all agree!

The One is my soul mate...we were built for each other...he is the LOVE OF MY LIFE!

He's my lobster!

Have a great holiday!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Hair today, gone tomorrow...

With both of the boys sporting fresh new mohawks...

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The One thought it would be HILARIOUS to try something new on his face.

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It's my fault, though. I told him I wanted to do "creepy, sleazy pedophile" and "innocent schoolgirl" for our Freaky Friday Role Play Night...I just had no idea he would take it this far!! I can't even look at him without laughing!!

I think it's time to put the clippers away, before someone gets hurt!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Vloggity, Vlog, Vlog...Vol 4...

Head over to The Fort to play along with this Vlog Carnival that Bubbles has going on. It's pretty simple. You get in front of a video camera and talk about an emotion you had this week.

On this episode of Vlogemo...I rant. And when I rant, I swear. You've been warned!

Also...I don't know why it's in black and white...my kids were using the camera, so, I think it's safe to assume that they had something to do with it!!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The evolution of Jack...

My baby is growing up.

I have seriously mixed emotions about it.

I'm looking at my kids and realizing that those endless baby days are behind us and we are right around the corner from their adolesence. While that thought mostly scares the ever lovin' shit out of me...it also makes me a little bit sad.

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For all of his life, TOWGAWM has had this great, curly hair. I loved it...honestly, everyone did. Family, friends, teachers, even strangers would comment on the kids hair. It was his thing...he was like fucking Samson!

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I held my breath with each trim wondering if this was the one when his curls would disappear. They held on for a long time, but have recently begun to fade. So, last week, for the first time in his life...I shaved the kids' head. While I could never picture anything but curls, framing my baby boy's face, I must admit...

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...he rocks his 'hawk pretty EFFING HARD!!

I Faces


I decided to enter the contest over at I Faces this week since I'm finally playing around with editting my pics. Head over to I Faces to see some great photos or to enter yourself.

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The Fine Print

"I am submitting this photo into the www.iheartfaces.com Blurb Book photo contest. I am granting I ♥ Faces permission to use my photo in a printed version of a book for commercial use and possibly advertising of a photo book on both the Blurb and I ♥ Faces web sites."

Monday, May 18, 2009

Ode to Cletus, the Second...

Me: "Um, Cletus...I've averaged my grade several ways, several times...and every time, I get an A. Yet, there is a B for the class on my transcript."

Cletus: "Well, I didn't give out any A's. I only gave them to the ones who earned them. If you got an 89.9, that's a B. I worked for hours averaging those grades, and there was lots of adding and multiplying and dividing...I spent a lot of time on it. I'm sure they're right."

Oh dear God, Cletus...you had to divide!!! Well bless your heart...that must've hurt!

Me: "Cletus...I'm not asking you to GIVE me anything except the grade that I EARNED!! Would you mind recalculating my grades and double checking the average?"

Cletus: "Sure, I'll call you back tonight."

Four hours later...All of which, I'm assuming, it took her to average my nine test grades...

Cletus: "Well, I reaveraged your grade...what did you come up with, again?"

Me: "I come up with a 93, but just to be sure that we're on the same page, could you tell me what scores you have for me in the gradebook. Just to make sure we're working with the same set of numbers."

Cletus: "No...I can't. See, I live out in the country and I don't get good cell signal out here. Right now, I'm out in the yard, on toppa the hill, standing on the tool box, in the backa my truck. I don't have your grades out here with me."

Of course...I should've known.

Cletus: "This time, I came up with a 93...the same as you."

*GASP* NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! LOOK AT THE BRAIN ON CLETUS!!!

Me: *biting my tongue to the point of bloodshed* "Thanks Cletus, I appreciate you taking a second look at it."

These events inspired this...

Ode to Cletus, the Second
subtitled: Bitch, I will kill you...

There once was professor who was dumb
She had a hard time finding sum.
Averaging was harder, you see,
She wrongly gave me a B.
Give me my A or I'll shove my foot up your bum!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Six word Saturday...




"Look who's lovin' her editting software!!"

**BEFORE**

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**AFTER**

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Although these are not the same picture...they were taken is succession and the bottom one looked just like the top one!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

We talked about it...

After weighing some of your comments about my earlier post...about my boy and his prayer, I decided to casually bring up the subject at dinner last night. You know, see what kinda thoughts they have.

Me: "So, we got a message that the church called...yada, yada...and that you prayed a prayer of salvation..."

TOWKE: "Yeah..."

Me: "Well, that's cool...what does that mean, to you?"

TOWKE: *shrugs shoulders...chews with mouth open...*

*kids are soooo gross!*

Me: "You have to have some thoughts about it."

TOWKE: "I don't know. Everyone prayed, so I did it to..."

*a-ha! juuuuuuuust as I suspected*

Me: "But, what do you think the prayer means?"

TOWKE: "Well, um...uh...er, I think...uh...hmmmmmm--"

*obviously annoyed by her brother's bumbling...the girl curtly interrupts..*

TOWDSM: "We have NOOO idea!"

*we all laugh. the child doesn't say much...but, what she does say is real, true, and to the point! i don't know where she gets it!*

So, I take the opportunity to talk about how the world is a big place, and that we are all different, and that it's okay to be different. I explain that even their father and I have different beliefs about spirituality, and that that's okay. I explain that we all have to listen to our hearts and our heads, and believe what is right for each of us, and that it takes time to figure that out.

I try to explain that sometimes the world is not only big, but cruel...and that at some point, they may be teased, or threatened, or ridiculed because of what they believe. Or even because of what their parents believe (which happens to be my biggest fear in this whole struggle with religion I got going on).

Me: "I just want you guys to know that it's okay to say what you feel...and believe in whatever you want to believe in...it's okay to pray...it's okay to NOT pray...and, most importantly, you should be proud of yourself and your beliefs no matter what. Even if it's different from someone else...even if--"

*obviously annoyed by my ramblings, the little one interrupts...*

TOWGAWM: "Mom, broccoli makes you fart...can I have some more?"

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Nip and Tuck...

So, is it considered copycatting if you design a blog for a friend, namely, a Heidi, then use some of the same design elements on your own blog??

It's totally, not, right? I didn't think so, but I didn't want Heidi to be all, "OMG have you SEEN Nikki's blog? I just had my blog redone and then saw her blog...and she totally trying to be just like me. I mean PUH-LEASE!!"

Anyway...head over to Heidi's blog and check our her new do. Then, enter in her giveaway. She's giving away gift cards to Target and Starbucks if you grab her new button.

Vloggity, Vlog, Vlog...Vol 3...


Head over to The Fort to play along with this Vlog Carnival that Bubbles has going on. It's pretty simple. You get in front of a video camera and talk about an emotion you had this week.

On this episode of Vlogemotions...
I pay homage to my beloved professor, Cletus.

video

Since this concludes my Tuesdays with Cletus, here are the links to posts of Cletus past...

Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And so it begins...

I received this email...

On Easter weekend, at church, Avery was presented with the story of Christ, and he prayed a prayer for salvation. He talked with someone about this, and expressed his understanding of who Jesus is and what he did for us. He is listed at the church under my name, and they just called and told me this.

There is a class coming up that kids can attend with their parents. It’s called Kid Faith, and it gives an opportunity for the parents to know for sure that the kids understand their decision. Immediately following the class, the kids can be baptized.

It would be great if you and/or Nikki could come and attend with Avery. If not, I’d be happy to take him with us.


I was raised Methodist, so the whole "salvation" thing is a little different for me. But, it looks like my boy has prayed "the prayer." He's asked Jesus into his heart. If I thought he had the faintest idea as to what that means...I would be completely on board. But, I know the kid doesn't have a clue.

I've talked to him about his experience at church when he attends with family, and this is why the kid prayed "the prayer"...

1. His cousin did it, so why the hell, not! **note to self: teach the kid about peer pressure.**

2. They give you free shit at church. Bibles, toys, swords, hats...all kinds of shit. And we all know that kids love them some free shit!!

3. They compete to win prizes...my boy CANNOT resist any form of competition.

4. For the love of Christ...they have donuts at church, and donuts are delicious!!

So, I don't think he's quite ready to sign on the dotted line.

I know what you're gonna say..."He can learn morals and good things at church," "He will be surrounded by children being taught morals and good things," "It's such a good foundation," etc....

Hmmm, let me ponder my youth...

I remember the kids in my youth group. I specifically remember one trusted member of the group who paid me a visit in the summer of my 16th year. My parents were at work and he wanted to hang out...he was older, but was a good friend. We all trusted him. Upon arrival, he tried to sell me on giving him a little ole blow job. You know, for Jesus!

**Allright, I threw the whole "for Jesus" thing in there. He never once mentioned Jesus. You got my point, though, right?**

I informed my friend that I would most definitely NOT be fallating him and sent him on his fucking way.

I know that this was just one asshole out of plenty of good kids, but church youth groups are not immune to unethical behavior.

My point, and there is one, is that the MORALS, and GOOD THINGS, and the STRONG FOUNDATION that he might learn in church...he is MOST DEFINITELY learning at home, thankyouverymuch!

This email initiates the sheparding of my children to churches, by friends and family armed with good intentions. Where they will assuredly learn about faith, love, hope, and prayer, and, undoubtedly learn about fear, hypocrisy, superiority, and guilt...and possibly even a little about oral sex.

And so it begins, the uphill battle of trying to teach my children to think for themselves and make their own way in this world "with little regard for 'supposed to'," as Rassles so eloquently put it.

**I can only imagine how my mother will react to F-bombs, blow jobs, and Jesus...all in the same post!**

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Motherlover

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Six word Saturday...



"BACK. BACK. BACK. BACK...IT'S GONE!!"

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Vloggity Vlog Vlog...Vol.2


Head over to The Fort to play along with this Vlog Carnival that Bubbles has going on. It's pretty simple. You get in front of a video camera and talk about an emotion you had this week.

On this episode of Vlogemotions, my trip to N'Awlins...

People watching in NOLA...

Meet Amos...

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He fled a Pennsylvania Amish community and somehow found himself smack dab in the middle of the original "Sin City," New Orleans, LA. He's still adjusting to life back on the grid and doing his best to fit in here in the bayou. Maybe he should seek fashion advice from this native New Orleanian...

This is Desiree.

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She oozes confidence and blends right into any social situation...almost quite literally.

Much like her friend, Serafine.

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Serafine is an "unpainted" lady of sorts. The landscape even fades as she strolls by.

Speaking of painted ladies...meet John.

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All that cross-dressing has really worn him out...bless his heart, he was sleepy!

**I almost felt a little guilty photographing a sleeping man without his permission...but, hey, if you fall asleep in the middle of the sidewalk with your bright blue nail polish, your painted face, and your tutu on...and you are indeed a MAN, then you're fair game, buddy!**

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Shiny happy people...

We made it back in one piece. We could definitely use a few more hours of sleep and would probably benefit from some intravenous rehydration. But, for the most part...we're in pretty good shape!

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The chick who took this pic for us zoomed in way to hard and you can't even tell that we're on Bourbon Street. The glassy ass, drunk eyes might have given it away, but I sport those every single any given Saturday night.

They drug me back, kicking and screaming. It is so, so good to be back!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Six word Saturday...


I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about if when I return, but until then....

"You'll find me on Bourbon, baby!!"

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Photo from here.

Friday, May 1, 2009

I'm out...

I'm so super excited today, for tomorrow is the start of a mini vacation. The best part...it's for The One and I, sans our offspring!

We're heading to the bye-you...to The Crescent City...The Big Easy. I'm gonna eat beignets for breakfast, po-boys for lunch and Hurricanes at Patty O's for dinner!!

Oh, the other best part...we have tickets to Jazz Fest. I'm stoked about seeing Kings of Leon, then wrapping it up with a little Bon Jovi.

And Bon Jovi better not try to sing some crazy, new, comeback shit, either. He better play me some Bed of Roses, Blaze of Glory, and some Livin on a Prayer, or so help me god...I will...I will...yeah, I'll probably just leave. But, I will leave angrily!!

See y'all when I get back!

Friday Flashback...

Remember this one...