BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS!**
Me: What do you want for dinner tonight, honey? I love you. I'll cook anything you want. I love you. It's your birthday, you pick...I love you!
The One: Why don't we go out as a family tonight for a nice steak dinner.
Me: But, honey...in "these tough economic times" can we afford to take all five of us out for steak?
The One: No worries, you georgous goddess, you...my mom got me a gift certificate to Saltgrass for my birthday!
Me: OMG...I love your mother. She is so thoughtful to include me in your birthday gift. Man, she is great. I'm so lucky to have a MIL like her!
Me: I really want the filet...but, it's like $25 bucks.
The One: No worries, baby...sweet, sweet love of mine, we have a gift card...let's order filets, shrimp, appetizers...the works. It's on my mom. Plus, how can I deny you, the mother of my children, the holder of my heart, the cleaner of my underwear, the folder of my socks, the fulfiller of my sexual desires...how can I deny you anything. I know it's my birthday, but you deserve this dinner just as much as I do!
Me: You are so hot...I can't wait to get you home for your birthday bl-
The One: HONEY! THE KIDS!
Me: For your birthday balloons...I was gonna say balloons...
Me: Oh, WOW!!! Look at the ticket...glad we have that gift card. There's no way we can afford a ticket like that! You're mom is the best! Remind me to call her later and thank her for squeezing you into this world 33 years ago today. She's awesome!
we don't like the look on her face when she returns.
Waitress: I'm sorry, but this gift card was never activated.
The One: What??
Waitress: Yeah...it looks like this card was never swiped. It's empty.
Me: (trying to harness my F-bombs in the presence of my children) Are you friggin kiddin' me? You've got to be friggin kiddin' me? How does something like this frickin' happen? What the fu--rick are we supposed to do about this?
The One: Oh, well...here cover it with this. (never the one to lose his cool, he hands over the bank card)
The One: (to the waitress) Just put it on that card. (to me) Honey, will you chill...you're going to have a heart attack right here in front of the kids!
Me: A HEART ATTACK in front of the kids...you should be worried about what I may do to your fu-lippin' mother in front of the kids!! I can't believe this sh-
The One: Kids...take Mom to the car!
OH...and the imminent overdraft charges at the bank!!!
It's just what he wanted!